‘I’ve got my period,’ Stella said eventually. ‘And I don’t have anything with me.’
Anna could hear tears in her voice and she felt this urge to pull Stella towards her, and it was the closest she’d come to feeling like a mother. She almost laughed, not because it was funny, but because her own periods were becoming irregular and she thought it was probably the beginning of the end. She couldn’t quite imagine being back there, where Stella was, right at the start of it all. She’d been having periods for over thirty years, and for what? All those cramps, those clots, those days of feeling full of rage and desperate for comfort food, and no babies to show for it.
‘Is it the first time?’ she asked.
‘No, I’ve had a few, but they’re not regular. I just didn’t think…’
Anna set her bag down by the sinks and started rooting through it. In a zipped pocket, she found two tampons. And then she realised Stella might not have started using tampons. The murkily lit toilets of a pizza place were not the place to learn.
‘Don’t worry,’ Anna said. ‘Pad or tampon?’
‘Pad, if you have one,’ Stella said.
Anna didn’t, but she looked around the room and saw there was a machine on the wall. She found the right change in her purse, and then she handed the wrapped package over the top of the cubicle.
‘Thank you so much.’
‘Of course. Is there any blood on your clothes?’
‘Just my knickers. It’s fine.’
Anna didn’t know whether she should wait for Stella to come out or go back to the table. Would Stella be embarrassed by this? Probably. Being a pre-teen girl hadn’t changed that much since she was one. She waited, leaning back against the sink in a way she hoped looked casual.
‘Thanks,’ Stella said again, when she emerged. She was flushed, and she didn’t look Anna in the eye.
‘Stella, it’s nothing, really. I’m glad I could help.’
‘I don’t know what to say to Dad.’
Anna thought about that. She remembered being around this age and feeling embarrassed about everything. She hadn’t had a dad, but if she had, she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have felt able to talk to him about what was going on with her body or her mind.
‘We could say the lock was stuck?’
Stella was washing her hands. She laughed, and the sound of it brought Anna a wave of joy.
‘Can we?’
‘Of course we can.’
They walked back to the table, Anna in front and Stella just behind, and Anna knew that something had shifted between them. She wasn’t naïve enough to think Stella would never again be grumpy with her, or angry, or try to shut her out, but they’d taken a step forward and that was enough.
Later, in bed, Ben asked about the incident in the pizza place.
‘Was it her period?’
He was propped up on one elbow, gazing intently at Anna. Would it be a betrayal of Stella, to tell him? She decided it wouldn’t be, as long as Stella didn’t know.
‘Yes, but please don’t talk to her about it. She’s embarrassed.’
Ben nodded. ‘God, I wasn’t ready for this. I mean, I know she’s twelve, but she’s still so young in my head. When she’s with her mum, and I think of her, I picture her at about four.’
Anna tried to imagine how that would be. How it would feel to have known someone since their birth, to have loved them and lived with them all that time, and for them to be changing from a child to an adult in front of you.
‘I’m glad she asked for your help, though,’ Ben added.
‘Me too.’
‘I know it’s not always easy, with them. I know you must feel pushed away sometimes.’
