‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry. I just mean, let me process that for a minute.’
Kev came over just then with their sandwiches, and Nia grinned at him and took both plates from his outstretched hands.
‘Got everything you need, ladies?’ he asked.
‘Yes thanks,’ they chorused.
‘So,’ Nia said once she’d taken a big bite out of her sausage sandwich, ‘let me get this straight. You feel like Edward doesn’t really value your work, even though the freelance publicity stuffyou’re doing now feels like it’s the right thing for you. And sometimes you struggle to value it too, because of that.’
Anna thought about that. ‘Yes. Do you remember when we were at school and I was always in competition with Max Ashwood over our marks in English? Do you know what he’s doing now? He’s a reporter for theGuardian.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Facebook.’
‘Ah, yes.’
‘I mean, they don’t tell you, do they, that you can do as well as you like at school, and you can go on to university, but if you want to have a family, which most people do, then you’re completely fucked? You have to either take years out of your career, or wait until you’re more established to have your kids, by which point you might not be able to have them. And all of that is assuming you meet the person you want to have children with at the right time in your life.’
‘Anna, I agree with you, but you look like you might have a heart attack. Calm down.’
Anna took a deep breath and burst into tears.
‘Oh, Anna! I’m sorry, come here.’ Nia pulled her friend into her body, and Anna let herself be held. Sometimes, she thought, that was all she needed. It was a shame Edward never seemed to realise that.
‘I feel like I don’t know who I am,’ she muttered into Nia’s chest.
‘I know who you are,’ Nia whispered. ‘You’re my fierce and funny best friend. You’re someone who manages to juggle motherhood with a career…’
Anna snorted on this last word.
‘Oi, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re starting your own business, and that’s tough! And like you said, it will take time tobuild. You show your boys, every day, that it’s possible for women to work and be mothers and wives and have ambition and be compassionate, all at the same time. That’s an important lesson.’
‘Thank you,’ Anna said. She lifted her head and smiled a little. ‘You always say the right thing.’
‘I admire you, Anna, I really do. Sometimes I find it hard to manage my own life and you have everything on your plate that I have plus these two people who you made and who rely on you for everything. It’s pretty incredible, if you ask me.’
Anna shook her head. ‘It’s something millions of women do.’
‘And I think they’re all amazing, but we’re talking about you, Anna, not them. Brilliant, wonderful you.’
Anna felt tears start to prick at her eyes again. ‘Let’s talk about something else,’ she said.
‘Any change with your mum?’ Nia asked.
Anna shook her head. Her mum had lung cancer. Stage four. She’d been diagnosed a month before and Anna was struggling with it. They’d never been close, and her mum had never made much of an effort with her boys, but she was Anna’s mum, and she was dying.
‘I went up for the weekend, a couple of weeks ago. Just me, because we weren’t sure how she’d be feeling and whether seeing all of us would be too much. She hasn’t started chemo yet so she feels okay, but I just thought there might have been a change in her, that it might have got her thinking about her life and who she loves and whether she regrets anything. But she was just the same. Barely asked about the boys. I asked if she wanted to talk about it, about dying, but she just shook her head, said she’d made her arrangements and that she’d send me an email with her funeral wishes in a few months. It was so hard, being there. I wanted to scream. And I wanted to comfort hertoo, you know, but she wouldn’t let me. I guess why would she let me now? She’s still the same person.’
Nia shook her head. ‘I just don’t understand her.’
Nia had grown up in a busy, happy family. She had two parents and three siblings. They fought and made up, but they were never cold. Anna had been on holiday with them a couple of times when they were teenagers, and it had been like peering into a different world.
‘Enough misery,’ Anna said. ‘Tell me about Aidan.’
Nia’s face lit up at the mention of his name, and Anna couldn’t help smiling. Almost a year before, Anna and Nia had gone out for a night of drinking and dancing at a kitsch bar in Shoreditch, a proper chance to catch up, and Nia had met someone, met Aidan, almost as soon as they’d got there. Anna had spent several hours with Aidan’s friend, Ben, talking about their children and their marriages (his was over) and watching Nia and Aidan move closer and closer to one another at the other end of the sofa.
