‘Tell me again what it’s really like, being a mum,’ Anna asked.
‘It’s the best and the worst thing I’ve ever done,’ Nia said. ‘It’s exhausting, it’s boring, it’s thrilling, it’s wonderful. Mostly exhausting. I feel like, if it wasn’t for the sleep deprivation – which isn’t only a baby thing, don’t be fooled about that – I would love it. But I’m so tired all the time.’
Anna wanted to ask if Nia thought she would have another one. She’d never said, and Anna had never quite felt like it was okay to ask. What if they’d tried, or were trying? She would tell Anna, wouldn’t she, if she wanted her to know? She recalled what Magda had said about Nia, that night so long ago. One big love, one child.
‘Am I missing out?’ she asked instead.
‘Yes,’ Nia said, and Anna wished she hadn’t asked. ‘In that you’re missing something, but you’ll never know what it feels like if you don’t do it, so it’s hardly like missing anything at all. And you’re gaining other things, like freedom and peace and space to think. Don’t do this, Anna. Don’t agonise. You have a good life.’
She did, Anna thought. There were days like this, when it hurt to be alone. But there were so many other days that she felt grateful for the life she’d chosen. For the travelling she could do, the long hours she was able to put in at work, when she needed to, without making arrangements and phone calls. For the way her weekends were hers alone, to do with as she pleased. For the time and space she had to think and to just be, with no one pushing at her boundaries and closing her in. Did it all make up for the feel of a soft cheek against yours and the weight of a small person in your arms? She hoped it did.
22
YES
Sunday 5 June 2011
Anna laid her open book down on her chest and closed her eyes. The combination of the quietness and the feeling of the sun on her skin was bliss. It felt like her first holiday in years. And it was, in a way. She and Edward had taken the boys away at least once a year, but holidays with them weren’t really holidays at all. They were fun, but they were full-on, with very little time for relaxing. At the end of the week, she always found herself back at home with a mountain of washing to do and feeling more tired than she had when she’d left. When Nia had suggested this, a week away, just the two of them, Anna had tried to imagine what Edward might say. But then she’d mentioned it, and he’d been all in favour. Each night just before the boys went to bed, she called them for a chat, and they seemed to be getting on fine. It was only a week, she reminded herself. She wasn’t indispensable.
‘Do you want a drink?’ she askedNia, sitting up.
Nia was lounging on the next sunbed in a red bikini. ‘Yes please,’ she said. ‘Something… fruity.’
Anna walked to the pool bar in her bare feet. She loved the feel of the warm tiles on the soles of her feet. She was wearing a bikini for the first time since before her pregnancies, but she threw on a coverup whenever she went anywhere. It was a small step forward. She ordered two pineapple-flavoured cocktails and watched while the barman made them. At home, she would pull out her phone or try to make a mental shopping list or just do something whenever she was waiting to be served. It was nice to be lazy. To just stand there, warmed by the sun. Taking stock.
The barman turned and put the two drinks down on the bar with a flourish.
‘Can I put them on my tab? It’s room 224.’
‘Of course.’ He leaned forward, a little closer. ‘I’ve seen you around. You and your friend.’
Anna smiled. Was he interested in Nia? He looked like he couldn’t be much older than twenty-five.
‘Nia,’ she said.
‘What?’
‘My friend. Her name is Nia.’
‘And what’s your name?’
Anna’s heart sped up a little. Was it her he was interested in? Was he flirting with her?
‘Anna.’
‘Nice to meet you, Anna.’ He slid a piece of paper across the bar for her to sign. ‘Maybe we could have a drink one night, after I finish?’
Anna laughed. ‘How old are you?’
He shrugged. He was tall and lean, tanned. Was he Spanish? His English was flawless. ‘I’m twenty-seven. How old are you?’
She thought about lying. But what would be the point? Shewasn’t going to act on this, was she? ‘I’m forty-one,’ she said. ‘I’m married. I have children.’
He shrugged again. ‘If you change your mind…’
Anna picked up the drinks and walked back to the loungers. She didn’t tell Nia about what had happened, because she knew that she would make it a joke and Nia would laugh. There was a part of her that wasn’t ready to treat it that way just yet. It had been a long time since someone had looked at her that way. A long time since she had felt wanted. She wondered whether he did this all the time, a different older woman every week. Whether he laughed with his friends about how grateful they were, how easy. And then she stopped herself. It didn’t matter. It had been nice to feel like a woman. To feel desired.
She thought back to Nia’s party the year before, the text Steve had sent her afterwards.It’s always been you. It had been so tempting to act on it, but then she hadn’t, and by the time a week had gone by, it seemed ridiculous to reply. She’d lost herself again in the day-to-day of her life.
