‘It’ll be fine,’ she said. ‘The only bit of it that’s hard is that we’ve lied to Nia.’
Sarah nodded. ‘Yes, I see that. But you did it for good reasons. I think she would have done the same.’
They stepped off the bridge and Anna realised that they were close to the crossroads where she would go one way and Sarah would go another.
‘You have a good heart, Anna,’ Sarah said. ‘Be careful with it.’
Anna intended to. No more falling for the wrong men, no more letting herself be pulled into things that weren’t right for her. Perhaps, she thought, that thing people looked for, that forever love, perhaps it wasn’t for everyone. She could still close her eyes and imagine the way she was striving to feel, the thing she’d tried to explain to Nia all those times. But perhaps there was another way to find it. Perhaps you could get there through having friends who you loved and who loved you, through doing a job you loved. Perhaps she’d been looking for it in all the wrong places.
‘Well,’ Sarah said.
They were at the end of Sarah’s street. She pulled Anna close to her body and Anna let herself be held. Sarah’s body was familiar, comfortable, warm. Once, she would have pulled on Sarah’s hand and led her to her apartment, gone upstairs, removed her clothes. But she was happier with what they had now. It felt firmer, more solid.
‘Thank you,’ Anna said. ‘You’ve been the very best of friends.’
‘Can we fit in another road trip before you go?’ Sarah asked.
‘I hope so.’
Anna pulled away from the embrace, though it was hard. She gave Sarah a wave and walked the last couple of blocks to her apartment. She tried to take in the sights and sounds of the streets she’d come to know so well. But in her heart, she was already gone.
20
YES
Saturday 5 June 2010
While Anna was getting ready, Edward stomped around. She knew he didn’t want to go to the party, although he hadn’t said. Edward liked parties on his terms – the ones where he knew everyone and could move from group to group, feeling relaxed and comfortable. At Nia’s party, he would only know her and Nia. While she straightened her hair and did her makeup, she watched him in the mirror. He had slate-grey trousers on, slim fitting, and a black shirt. Over the past few years, his hair had turned from jet black to salt and pepper, and she liked it. He looked distinguished, handsome.
The door opened and Sam came in. ‘Why are you wearing that?’ he asked, pointing to Anna’s dress.
‘I told you, me and Daddy are going out tonight. It was Nia’s birthday last week. She’s having a party.’
‘Will there be ice cream?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Will therebe soft play?’
‘Definitely not.’
Sam looked at her as if he didn’t understand why she would be going to such a dull party, but then Edward crossed the room and picked Sam up.
‘I thought you guys were watchingTransformers?’
‘We were but there was a scaredy bit and Thomas wouldn’t make it go faster.’
Sam got most of his words right now but he still said ‘scaredy’ when he meant ‘scary’ and Anna hoped he wouldn’t stop. She wanted to cling on to the last reminders of babyhood. Sometimes, when he cuddled her, she felt his plump cheek against hers and thought about the way Thomas’s cheeks had slimmed down as he’d got older. It was so intense while you were in it, that baby and toddler phase, but it was heartbreaking to realise it was coming to an end, too. She listened to Edward and Sam leaving the bedroom and going downstairs. The babysitter would be arriving any minute.
She looked at herself in the mirror. She had turned forty a month before, and she tried to see whether it showed on her face. Some days, she thought she still looked young. And then someone would reference something, at work or in a shop, and she would realise that people thought of her as a middle-aged woman. Mumsy. Boring. Done. It wasn’t often that she made an effort these days, but she thought she was looking pretty good. She’d bought a new dress that skimmed over the tummy she’d gained with her pregnancies and never quite managed to lose. It was short, and it showed off her legs, which Nia always said were her best asset. She smiled at herself as she applied eyeliner and a bold red lipstick. She felt a little daring. Remembered how it had felt when she’d gone out in her twenties, the way men had looked at her. The way Edward had looked at her, the night theymet. Could you still be looked at that way, at forty? She hoped so.
When they arrived at the bar Nia had booked, Anna thought about her own fortieth. She hadn’t wanted a big party like this. Instead, she had gone away for a spa weekend with Nia and had a child-friendly dinner with Edward and the boys on the night itself. It had been nice, but now she was wondering if maybe she’d sold herself short. Nia had gone all out, and the room she’d hired was filled with gold and black helium balloons and elegantly dressed people. On a table in the corner, there was an enormous cake. Nia had said she might as well treat it as if it was her wedding, and she’d laughed, but there was an edge to it. Anna knew that, at times, Nia was tired of being the fun single one.
Edward put his hand on the small of Anna’s back and steered her into the room. Nia screamed when she saw them, as if she hadn’t seen Anna about four hours earlier to discuss last-minute arrangements.
‘Wow, she’s in full Nia mode,’ Edward whispered into Anna’s ear. ‘I’m going to the bar. Gin and tonic?’
Anna nodded. She hated it when Edward said anything vaguely negative about Nia. She hoped it wouldn’t be like that all evening.