‘Sure. I’ll talk to Steve.’
Anna had chosen, and she didn’t regret it. This life, this family life, it was what she wanted. She’d believed what she’d said to Steve, about it being okay that him and Theresa hadn’t stayed together; she didn’t think people should keep a marriage going for the children. But if you could, if you did, keep it going, then that was surely the best thing for everyone? Sometimes she wished Thomas and Luke weren’t such good friends, though. Because it meant seeing Steve, and it was hard, when she saw him, to remember the decisions she’d made, the reasons behind them. It was hard not to think about the time he’d kissed her, theway that kiss had made her feel, the way it had felt as right as breathing, as straightforward. All those times, with him, that she had allowed herself to glimpse a different life, one that might be better.
But she wasn’t looking for better. She had everything she needed, right here.
She squeezed Thomas’s hand, listened to him talk about the story his teacher had told, about a fish that didn’t look like all the other fish, didn’t know where he fit in. And when they got home, and Edward opened the door, she stepped inside the warm house and told the boys to take off their shoes and took the baklava into the kitchen to put it in bowls, and she felt safe. Whole.
15
NO
Tuesday 5 June 2007
‘Want another?’ Sarah asked, holding up her empty glass.
Anna nodded, and they both looked around for a waiter. At least every couple of weeks, they went out for cocktails straight from work. It was quieter than at the weekend, and it felt decadent. Sometimes they went for dinner afterwards, sometimes they saw a film, sometimes they just went home.
Sarah caught someone’s eye and asked for another round, and meanwhile Anna’s phone beeped, and she stole a quick look at the message before putting her phone back on the table.
‘Who’s that?’
‘My mum.’
Sarah tilted her head slightly to the side. ‘Do you need to call her?’
‘No, she’s just checking in. We’re not… close.’
‘How come?’
Anna loved that Sarah just askedthe questions, never shying away from topics that were difficult or holding back with her thoughts or advice.
‘We just never were. It was just me and her, when I was growing up, and we just sort of lived together but separately, once I was old enough to have a bit of independence. We both like our own company, and we just didn’t do any of the typical mum and daughter things. Shopping trips, going for lunch, any of that. I don’t really know why. And then I moved out to go to university and now we just see each other a few times a year – less now I’m out here – and I think we’re both fine with that.’
Sarah was twisting one of her curls around a finger. ‘That’s kind of sad.’
‘I know, it is. But it just doesn’t feel it, somehow. I guess because I don’t know any different.’
A few months before, on another night out like this one, Anna had leaned across a different sticky table and kissed Sarah, startling herself as much as anyone. And since that night, they’d settled into something. Not a relationship, not a partnership. Sometimes they kissed, sometimes they slept together. Sometimes they didn’t. It was easy, fun. They’d never put a label on it, never talked about it being exclusive. Anna hadn’t been on other dates because she hadn’t really wanted to, but she knew that Sarah did sometimes. It was kind of confusing, Anna was finding, when you were friends first. When you asked the kind of questions that friends asked, did the kind of things friends did. When you were never sure whether Tuesday evening cocktails were going to lead to something or nothing.
Sarah was quiet.
‘What?’ Anna asked.
‘Nothing. I just like trying to figure you out.’
Anna took a long sip of her drink, felt the sharpness of the cranberry mixed with the sweetness of the orange and the kickof the alcohol. Vodka? Gin? This was only their second and yet Anna already felt looser, warmer.
‘So,’ Sarah said, ‘barely any family. Although Nia’s sort of like family to you, isn’t she?’
Anna nodded.
‘And an ex-husband who wanted children. You didn’t.’
Anna nodded again.
‘Are you dating anyone?’ Sarah asked. ‘I mean, other than me? I can’t work out what you want.’
There was no trace of jealousy in her voice. Anna believed that she was genuinely just curious. It was one of the things she liked about Sarah, how interested she was in people and what drove them.