Anna laughed, but Nia furrowed her brow. ‘So what? He should still be happy for you.’
‘He will be, I’m sure. I’ll just… tell him when he’s home.’
Kev brought their drinks over, a tea towel thrown over his shoulder. Lemonade for Anna, Diet Coke for Nia. ‘Sandwiches are on their way, ladies,’ he said. ‘Oh, and we’ve got a new lad on the pot wash. His name’s Jason.’
‘How old is he?’ Nia asked, while Anna looked on in amusement.
‘Seventeen.’
‘Ah okay, not for us. But thank you!’
They both laughed, Anna giving Nia a soft punch on the arm.
‘Is everything all right?’ Nia asked once the laughter had tailed off.
‘Sort of. I mean, yes. It’s just…’ Anna thought back to the conversation she’d had with Edward the night before he left for his work trip. How could she frame it, so Nia would understand?
‘It’s our anniversary today,’ she started. ‘Which means that it’s two years since he said he wanted to try for a baby. And it seems like everyone in our lives is announcing a pregnancy, and every time, I feel so tense…’
Nia raised her eyebrows. ‘No baby here,’ she said.
‘You know what I mean. Not everyone, but enough people. Last year, I told him that I wasn’t sure it was ever on the cards for us, but it’s like he doesn’t take it in. He just keeps asking. Before he went to New York, he asked. And when I said no, he asked whether I was ever going to change my mind.’
Kev came over again then and placed a plate down in front of each of them. White baguette, with halved sausages stuffed inside, grease dripping down the side of the bread. Anna realised how hungry she was, realised she hadn’t had any breakfast, and thanked Kev enthusiastically. Nia waited while Anna took a big bite.
‘And what did you say?’ she asked eventually. Her voice had changed a little. She sounded worried.
‘I said I didn’t think I would. That I didn’t see myself having children. Ever. I think in the past I haven’t been clear enough. He needs it to be black and white.’
Nia said nothing, and Anna loved that her face didn’t twist into an expression of shock. That she just took Anna’s words and stored them away, that she understood.
‘And what did he say?’ Nia asked.
‘Well, he was upset. Angry. He really wants a family, Nia. And I was basically telling him that that won’t ever happen for us.’
For a few moments, they ate and drank in silence.
‘Do you know?’ Anna asked. ‘I mean, I know you’re not with someone right now, but do you know whether you want to have a child someday?’
‘No,’ Nia said. ‘I don’t have a clue. But Magda said I’d have one, remember? I trust her.’
They were thirty-two. When she’d been a teenager, Anna had imagined she would have children by now. Things had seemed more straightforward, more cut and dried. She’d never imagined this.
‘I don’t know whether I’m enough for him,’ Anna said.
‘Did he say that?’ Nia looked furious.
‘No, it’s just something I wonder about. He thought he was marrying me and children would follow, automatically. But what if we tried and we couldn’t, or what if we had one and it wasn’t how we imagined it?’
‘Or what if you just didn’t want to?’ Nia said softly.
‘Yes, or that.’ Anna’s voice was little more than a whisper now.
‘If he made that assumption without ever having a conversation with you about it, that’s not your fault.’
‘But it’s just what people do, isn’t it?’ Anna asked. ‘They have children. Almost everyone.’
‘It’s not the only path,’ Nia said. ‘It’s not the only thing you can choose.’
