‘Let’s get you out of there,’ Anna said, and her voice sounded loud in the quiet room.
She unstrapped him and lifted him into her arms, caught a hint of that smell he had, the one that made her want to hold him tight to her chest forever. She kissed his forehead and sat him on the playmat, built a wall of cushions around him. He was sitting pretty well, but he still had the occasional tumble. Imagine, Anna thought, not being able to sit on your own bum. She handed him a block for each hand and he tapped them together and smiled up at her. There were times, like this, when he was ridiculously easy to please. And yet so many more when he was screaming and angry and she didn’t know what to do. And she hated all the books that talked about recognising your baby’s different cries, because when Thomas cried, she never knew what he wanted.
Anna’s laptop was open on the coffee table, the cursor blinking. She sent a quick email to Ellie, asking how things were at work. She wanted them to remember that she existed. And another to Nia, trying to sound casual, saying they hadn’t caught up for a while and could they arrange to go for a drink or something. And then she refreshed her emails a couple of times, hoping one or other of them would be quick to reply. On a whim, she called her mum, not really expecting an answer. Her mum worked as a cleaner, in homes and offices, and Anna could never keep track of her hours.
‘Hello?’ Her mother’s voice sounded muffled, as if she was at the bottom of a well or had her hand across the phone.
‘Hi, it’s Anna.’
She always announced herself like that and thought it probably wasn’t normal. She’d overheard Nia and Edward on thephone to their own mothers enough to know what normal was. Edward always did a lot of laughing and ‘remember whens’, and Nia just started each conversation like it was a continuation of the last, like she did when you saw her.
‘Anna,’ her mum said, her voice now clear. She sounded surprised to hear from her.
‘How are you?’
‘Oh, you know.’
I don’t, thought Anna. Why was it like this? Why was it always so hard?
‘Work okay?’
Work was her mother’s favourite subject. Always had been. She always had a story about one of the other cleaners or someone who lived in one of the houses. Her stories ran the full gamut from cancer survival to losing luggage on holiday. She launched into one then, and Anna zoned out a little. When there was a pause, she willed her mother to ask about Thomas. He cried out then, and she picked him up.
‘How are things there? How are Edward and Thomas?’
Anna let out a big breath and felt grateful, and then she was sad for the fact that this was such a small thing, and it wasn’t guaranteed.
‘Edward’s in New York with work this week. It’s hard.’
‘Oh, New York. It’s all right for some, isn’t it?’
‘Well, he’ll be working long hours, but yes, it’s a nice trip.’
Anna felt like she was always defending her mother to Edward or defending Edward to her mother. It wasn’t even as if they actively disliked one another. They barely had a relationship.
‘Thomas is starting to sit up,’ she said, trying to change the subject.
‘He will be, I suppose.’
Anna wasn’t sure what she meant by that. That he was the right age for it, she supposed. And he was. But that hadn’t stopped her from hoping for something approaching enthusiasm. It was clear that the conversation was over, but Anna knew from experience that she would have to be the one to end it. If she didn’t, they’d sit there in near silence for hours.
‘I’d better go, I guess.’
‘Yes, I’m sure you have plenty to do.’
There was silence where there might have been a ‘thanks for the call’ or ‘have a nice day’. Anna ended the call, wishing she’d never made it. It was a little after twelve. It felt like a lifetime since she’d been woken by Thomas that morning, and the hours to go before his bedtime stretched ahead. They would have to go out, she decided. They would have to do something. She grabbed the changing bag from the hallway and checked she had all the essentials. Then she did a quick nappy change and put Thomas in his buggy. It was a warm June day, but she stashed a blanket in the basket underneath him just in case. And just like that, she was ready to go. She thought back to the early days, when it had been winter and she’d needed to dress him in so many layers just to leave the house. And then she thought of the even earlier days, before she’d had him, when she could just grab her purse and her keys and go.
She’d only got as far as the end of the street when she saw Steve, a stay-at-home dad from a flat across the street who she knew a bit from playgroup. She thought about turning back. Had he seen her? Was it too late? It was. Steve made her feel a bit uneasy and she wasn’t sure why. Or she did know why but was pretending she didn’t. She felt pulled to him, in a way she hadn’t experienced since… Since when? Edward? That long-ago date with James? Steve had sandy hair and a beard and he was always dressed in jeans and t-shirts that hinted at a great body underneath. He was the opposite of Edward, with his dark hair and sharp suits. And yet. There was something that made Anna feel light and a little scared whenever she was with him. He looked like a man who knew how to put up a shelf, give you an orgasm and then make dinner. Sometimes, when they were drinking bad coffee and chatting about the babies with other mums at playgroup, Anna found herself fantasising about him. And she was always certain that he’d know. That he’d sense it, somehow.
She put up a hand to greet him. He was pushing his buggy too, and when she crossed the road, she peered inside and saw that his son Luke was fast asleep.
‘Hey, Anna,’ Steve said. ‘Where are you heading?’
‘I’m not sure,’ she said, and all at once she found she was fighting back tears.
‘Just had to get out of the house?’ he asked. ‘I know the feeling. We’re not going anywhere either. Fancy coming with us?’
Anna nodded, not sure that her voice would hold. What was this? Her emotions were so close to the surface these days, and she sometimes worried that she’d forever be in tears when she went back to work. Once she’d blinked a few times, she felt a little stronger.
