I roll my eyes but can’t help the small smile that tugs at my lips. “Yeah, I guess yoga was a bit better than I thought. I still look like a drunk flamingo, but I’m... okay with it. And the gnome army? Well, it's growing, and I’m kind of proud of them.”
Pee-Pee nods approvingly. “Your gnome army sounds like a victory in itself. And yoga, even with the stumbling, is a win. You’re allowing yourself to try, Ivy. You’re getting to know your limits.”
I let out a small, reluctant chuckle, my shoulders loosening just a fraction. “I guess that’s true. And the gnome army is definitely a force to be reckoned with now.” I pause, staring down at my hands. “But none of that changes the fact that I feel like I’ve spent three months in a holding pattern. And now, I’m about to step back into a world I was trying to avoid.”
Pee-Pee studies me for a moment, her eyes gentle but knowing. “You’ve spent three months working on you, Ivy. Not avoiding anything but learning how to face it. You don’t have to throw yourself back into dating just because the ban’s over. What you choose to do next is still up to you.”
The weight of that statement sinks in, heavy and oddly comforting. I know she’s right, but still…
“But the whole point was to get back into it, right? Not just sit here making gnomes and doing tree pose in my living room.”
“Not exactly,” she says, leaning back in her chair. “The point was for you to reconnect with yourself first. To unlearn some of those habits that keep you stuck in patterns that aren’t working for you. Whether that means diving back into dating or not, that’s up to you.”
My brain races. Do I dive back in? Do I even want to? The thought of Theo pops into my mind, but I shake it off quickly. It’s still fresh. Too fresh. “I don’t know if I’m ready. I’ve gone this long without it. And honestly, every time I even think about Theo, it’s like… a big mess of feelings that make zero sense.”
“So, what’s stopping you from feeling those feelings and letting them just be?”
I lean forward in my chair, frustrated. “Because what if I am wrong and I ruin a good thing we are having?”
She nods, her expression soft. “Ivy, sometimes it’s not about having it all figured out. Sometimes it’s about being with the uncertainty and letting it guide you, not control you. You don’t have to make a decision today. Just... let yourself be where you are.”
“Ugh,” I groan, slumping back in the chair. “Why is it that every time I talk to you, I feel like I’m a drama queen? You make things sound so simple.”
Pee-Pee laughs softly, a sound full of warmth and understanding. “It’s not simple, Ivy. It’s just uncomplicated. We make it harder than it needs to be by overthinking everything.”
I bite my lip, mulling over her words. “Maybe that’s part of the problem. I’ve been thinking about it all. Every moment, every possibility, every outcome. The future, the past, what I’m supposed to do next. It’s exhausting.”
“That’s why you took the ban, remember?” Phyllis says gently. “To stop the spiral, to create space for you to breathe without all that pressure.”
I nod slowly, feeling the weight of it all settle into my bones. “Yeah, I remember. I just… I guess I didn’t expect it tobe this hard to know what is me and what is me going down the wrong path again.”
“And that’s okay,” she says. “It’s okay to not have everything figured out, Ivy. But you’ve made more progress than you realize. You’re here. You’re aware of your feelings, and you’re willing to look at them. That’s the work.”
I close my eyes, taking in her words, but they don’t quite sink in yet. “I just wish I could just flip a switch and everything makes sense.”
She smiles softly. “But you don’t need to flip any switches. You’re already doing the hard work. And sometimes the most important thing you can do is let the answers come to you, instead of chasing them.”
I let out a breath, feeling a little lighter. “So, what, you’re saying I should just… let things unfold?”
“Exactly,” she says. “And if Theo is part of that unfolding, let it happen. But don’t force anything. Let yourself just be, Ivy. That’s where the real growth happens.”
I nod, the idea of just being a little more foreign to me than I care to admit. But before I can say anything, I blurt out, “Theo said he’ll ask me out proper when the ban is over.”
Pee-Pee gives me that same calm look, waiting for me to continue. I’m suddenly nervous, like I’ve said too much too soon. But it’s already out there.
Pee-Pee raises an eyebrow. “That’s... a good thing, right?”
I chew on the inside of my cheek, unsure where to start. “It is, but…” I hesitate. “I don’t know. I want to say yes. I really want to say yes. But part of me is scared that I’m just about to fall right back into the same pattern I’ve always had with guys. I don’t want to be the kind of person who dates for the sake of dating, you know? I don’t want to fall into that serial dating thing where I’m always just bouncing between guys, never really having anything real. I want a relationship. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t looking for the same thing. And what if Theo... what if he’s not a relationship guy?”
Pee-Pee silence stretches for a few beats, and I feel my heart thudding in my chest. It’s the first time I’ve really said it out loud. The fear that maybe I’m not just overthinking this—I’m overprotecting myself from something I actually want, because I’m terrified I’ll end up alone again if I don’t keep my walls up.
Pee-Pee looks at me with an expression that’s equal parts understanding and challenge. “So, you’re afraid of the possibility that Theo might not be the one, and you’re thinking that means you should avoid even trying.”
I nod, unable to stop the frown forming on my face. “Exactly. I don’t want to waste time. I’m not in a place to just date around anymore. I’m not looking for flings. I want something real, something that has the potential to last.”
Phyllis crosses her arms, settling back in her chair as she considers me. “Ivy, it’s okay to want a relationship. But you can’t control whether or not it happens with someone. Not even with Theo. All you can control is how you show up to it. What kind of relationship are you willing to build, and how much are you willing to let go of the fear that it might not look the way you expect?”
I stare at her, processing what she’s saying. “But what if I let myself go for it and he doesn’t want what I want? What if I get invested and then end up with nothing?”
