Hiding my smile, because it wasn’t very often I got to embarrass Sedi – though it happened much more regularly the other way around – I went over to the worktop and carried on peeling the potatoes for the roast we’d be having in a couple of hours’ time. It was Sunday, so no rehearsals today, which meant I didn’t have to pretend to be somewhere I wasn’t. And roast beef was Dad’s favourite – maybe when I told them what I’d been up to, I could at least gethimon side. He wasn’t explosive like Mum and Sedi, but he was also very practical, and he’d be worried about how the studio was going to keep afloat without me overseeing every single little thing. I wasn’t sure whether he’d be up for stepping in and doing more – apparently he and Mum also had an announcement to make today. It could be anything. They were free spirits, our parents, and at any given time it was impossible to know what they were going to do next – it could be setting up another business or moving to the Outer Hebrides. I thought there was very little that could surprise me about those two.
‘It wasn’t a date,’ said Sedi. ‘Now what can I do to help?’
She must really need to change the subject if she was offering to cook.
The roast turned out well and everyone was tucking in. Everyone except Nolo, that was, whose face was on an open laptop screen placed in a corner of the table. I’d always found this ritual my mum insisted on a little strange – once a month, Nolo had to ‘join’ us for dinner. Since New York was five hours behind, our mealtimes never matched up with hers, so we tended to eat while she talked, and then when we’d finished, we’d ask her lots of questions or – only very occasionally, in my case – talk about ourselves.
Things were going well for Nolo, as they always seemed to be. The dance company were about to go into production with a new show and for the first time in ages, this didn’t send me into a tailspin about how lacklustre my own life was in comparison. It hadn’t felt great to be envious of my own sisters – I wanted the best for them, of course I did – it was just that I’d wanted good stuff to happen to me, too. And suddenly it was and, yes, I wanted to share it with them. Maybe I’d test the waters first.
‘So I’ve been thinking…’ I ventured.
Sadly, Nolo was so caught up in telling us the minutiae of her Manhattan life that she seemingly hadn’t even noticed I’d spoken.
‘So yeah, our neighbours are this really cool couple – he’s an actor and she works in PR for Google and they keep having—’
‘I think Lira was about to say something,’ interrupted Dad. ‘Were you, Lira?’
Fuck. Now I was actually going to have to say it, wasn’t I?
‘Lira has been thinking, apparently,’ said Sedi with a smirk.
‘It has been known,’ I replied, stalling for time, but I could feel all eyes on me expectantly.
‘So I know I’ve been pretty much running the studio single-handedly for the last, well, thirteen years… but theremightbe some other things Imightwant to pursue. Like, for the next eight weeks or so.’
I swallowed hard. Was I really doing this?
Mum put her knife and fork down with a clatter. This was not a good sign.
‘What kind of “things”, Lerato?’ she asked.
‘It’s just a hypothetical question at this point,’ I said, immediately losing my nerve. I glanced nervously at Dad, who I thought was most likely to come up with a reasonable response.
‘Why don’t we hear her out before we jump to conclusions. Go on, Lira, you were saying?’ said Dad.
Aaargh! Could Iun-say it, maybe? Could I just get up and walk out of the room and make them forget any of this had ever happened? But I’d started this, and so I could hardly bottle it now, much as I wanted to.
‘I’ve been offered an opportunity that I don’t feel I can turn down. And I wondered if I could have some time off?’Their faces said it all, but I garbled on regardless – I’d started now, hadn’t I? ‘And don’t worry, the teaching side of things is sorted, I’ve got cover for all the classes, teachers we trust and have worked with before. I just wondered if maybe you could all be on hand to help keep things ticking over – the admin side of things? Popping into the studio to check everything is as it should be, that kind of thing?’ I ventured.
‘What? Why me?’ asked Sedi, in indignation.
‘Whynotyou?’ I countered. ‘I know you’re going to Australia soon, but there’s a bit of time before you go?’
‘But this has always been our agreement, Lira. As the oldest child, you told us you were more than happy to manage James Jive for us and to make sure it was a success. It’s in all of our interests that it continues to do well,’ said Mum, glaring at me.
Everyone’s interests except, perhaps, mine.
‘I was happy.Amhappy. And itisdoing well,’ I insisted. ‘I think you’ll agree that earnings are up year on year. All our classes are full, and there’s a waiting list for private lessons. I’ve never let you down and it’s not my intention to do that now. It’s just eight weeks, guys. We can make that work, can’t we?’ I asked hopefully.
Met with silence, even from Nolo, who was frowning at me through a screen, I realized I’d under-estimated how much of a shock this would come to them. I supposed that’s what happened when you did everything anyone ever asked of you – I might have been keeping the peace at the time, but what had I been setting myself up for in the long term?
‘Lira, what’s brought all of this on?’ asked Dad. ‘You’ve never complained before.’
I suddenly felt a lump in my throat – why were they being so difficult? Didn’t they think I might want a change, and wasn’t that okay? They hadn’t even asked what it was I was planning to do!
‘Maybe I don’t want to be just a dance teacher my whole life,’ I said, keeping my voice steady. Except for Dad, my family were all so loud and boisterous and opinionated that I felt my needs fade into insignificance when I was with them, but I was determined not to let that happen this time. I was confident in myself, I could stand up for what was right.
‘What do you want to be, then?’ piped up Nolo. ‘Because if it’s anything to do with dance, you’ve left it far too late. You’d be retiring soon, anyway.’
