Carmen’s leg lay draped over my hip as I traced my initials into her thigh with my fingertips. She was curled into me, talking about Marcus and the work they’d been doing to help get her father out of jail.
“Even if he doesn’t get to go back home…” she said softly. “We wanna at least get him into a better hospice than the one in prison. Somewhere he can be more comfortable.”
Her eyes dropped to her fingers, fidgeting.
“I just don’t want my father to die in jail.”
Her voice cracked on the last word.
“Shhh,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple. “It’s okay.”
“Sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s just… I’m only now getting to know him. And it feels like I don’t have much time left. I wasted years not talking to him. I hated what he did—Istilldo. But he’s more than that. He’s funny. He’s smart. He can play guitar. And he’s teaching me Spanish because he wants his grandkids to speak it. And he’s scared he won’t be there to teach them.”
She buried her face in my chest, and I held her close as her body trembled against mine.
“Shh, baby. I’m so sorry,” I muttered into her hair.
“I know it sounds fucked up,” she mumbled through her tears. “He killed someone. And Idofeel awful about it. I feel worse that I still wanna help him. I just didn’t want you to judge me. What I’m doing is crazy, and I—I didn’t want you to look at me like I’m stupid.”
I ran my fingers through her hair.
“Carmen. I wouldneverlook at you like that. You know our relationship is a judgment-free space.”
She let out a teary little laugh. “Feels like a trust-free space too, doesn’t it?”
“Fair.”
She sniffled, eyes glazed as she stared at the ceiling. “I feel so… lost since I got here. Like, I don’t even know where we’re headed anymore. Part of me wonders if we’ll survive this trip.”
“We will,” I said. “I’ll make sure of it.”
She turned to me again, her voice quiet. “Theo… this isn’t gonna last if the trust isn’t there. You know that, right?”
“I know.”
“And with the distance… It’s just gonna make it worse.”
“It will.”
She looked up at me, something heavy behind her lashes. “You still wanna try?”
“You don’t?”
“I do,” she said quickly. “Because I love you. But seeing you turn into this jealous ass boyfriend lately—it worries me.”
“I’ll be fine,” I told her. “We’llbe fine. You’re in New York now. Way closer than California. We’ll see each other more. Just… hold on.”
“And then what?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes searched mine. “Who moves in with who?”
I went quiet.
“Teddy?”
“I don’t know.”
She hummed under her breath and looked away.
“What?” I asked.
