Parker’s smile turned crafty. “Which brings me to my other reason for catching up to you today.”
I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk next to Spinning Jenny’s laundromat. “I swear to God, Parker, if you try to hand me a flyer…”
Parker laughed. “I wouldn’t. Icouldn’t! Do you see a flyer in my hand?”
I glared at the sack with narrowed eyes, and Parker laughed again. “No flyers in there either,” he promised.
I folded my arms over my chest. “So whatdoyou want?”
“Simple.” His grin widened. “I want to unveil my plan to make you a happier person.”
“Your…what?”
“See…” Parker set the sack on the ground and his hands on his hips. “If you’d bothered to read one of the flyers, you’d know that the wholepointof the Santa contest is to do good deeds for your neighbors—”
“Oh, good God! Did someone actually think it was a good idea to give the people of this townadditional reasonnot to mind their own business?”
“It’s about O’Learians helping O’Learians, Gideon! Peace on earth, goodwill toward—”
“I’m moving,” I declared, holding up a hand. “Leaving town. Effective immediately. I will not take part in this, neither as a…aSantanor as a victim of your Santa shenanigans.”
“Move? And leave that sweet little colonial up on Markham that you fixed upall byyourself? No, you won’t, and everyone knows it.” Parker gave me a beatific smile and his eyes shone. “So, let’s cut to the chase! Gideon Mason,youneed a date. And it’s gonna be my special Christmas project to find you one.”
“Fuck me,” I moaned.
“Exactly,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows underneath his stupid Santa hat.
“This is not happening, Parker.” I resumed walking toward the bakery, because while I suspected there was not enough coffee in the universe to conquer this day, there was a base minimum amount required to endure it. “I’d thank you for thinking of me, if you weren’t being such an interfering, presumptuous brat, but you are. So.”
“I was thinking maybeBrian.” Parker lurched along after me, still toting the stupid sack.
“I’m not listening.”
“I mean, Brian is Jamie’s ex, which makes the situation—” Parker cleared his throat. “You know.”
“Really fucking weird, since you’re Jamie’s current arm candy?”
“Complicated,” Parker corrected defiantly. “Since Jamie and I arein love and in a committed relationship.”
“Potato, po-tah-to.”
“But Brian and I are kinda friends now,” Parker went on. “Orfriendly, anyway, so…”
I stopped walking again.
“How doesthatwork?” I wanted to know. “Do you discuss Jamie’s sex noises? Critique his performance and endurance? Commiserate about all his terrible habits and the weird lump in the shape of California on his ass?”
Parker’s cheeks went a very un-Santa Claus shade of red. “No! We very carefullydo notdiscuss anything of the kind! And for your information, Jamie’s ass isflawless.” His eyes flashed. “But if you think I’m going to drop my idea because you’re being a bastard, you’re wrong. You’re only making me more committed. So…back toBrian.”
“Back to not listening.” I walked on.
“Brian’s a little bit… bruised, I guess,” Parker said, hurrying after me. “He’s a great guy. Super sweet. But I think he needs someone a little older, a little more settled. You know, kind of a Daddy.”
A Daddy?I stopped with my hand on the bakery door and glared at him. “And you immediately thought ofme?”
“Well, I…” He swallowed. “Kinda?”
“I… truly have no words right now, Parks. But stick around and I’ll think of a couple.”
