The whole thing was mind boggling and had me confused emotionally. I didn’t know if I should mourn the loss of my mother because it hurt something terrible, or if I should be angry with her for having a double life. Seeing how devastated my dadwas, I was leaning more in the angry at her phase which was also an easy deterrent for me to avoid my true feelings.
If I were to be honest, I felt lost without my mom. There was a void that was physically felt in my heart because she was no longer here. Yet, it was easy to not acknowledge those feelings in that moment because I needed to be there for my dad. There was a weird vibe that he was giving off that had me concerned about his mental state. He was always reserved but today it was on a whole other level.
My dad chose to not view my mom’s remains prior to guests coming in, and in support of him I stayed in the back office with him. After the viewing, the funeral services were also held at the funeral home then immediately after her remains were being cremated. It was always my mom’s wishes to be cremated. Whenever anyone in our family would die, she would reiterate how she felt it was morbid to get someone buried. She preferred to be cremated so that was what my father carried out.
Right before the services were to begin, the funeral director came to the back office to get me, Reggie, and my dad. We still needed to give our final good-byes because once the services started her casket would get closed making that the last and final moment to ever see her in the flesh again.
My dad was still not able to walk on his own without assistance. He chose to be in his wheelchair than to force himself to walk. The distance from the office to the chapel where the services were was quite a distance. Making it to the chapel I was glad that the distance to the front wasn’t long. At the same time, I felt sick to my stomach as I stared at my mom’s profile as she laid stiff in a pearl white and gold casket. Reggie was pushing my dad’s wheelchair as I walked alongside them. My palms were sweaty, and my heart was beating so fast and hard that made my breathing was shallow. I surveyed the room to see if Chelle was there, but I didn’t see her, thank God. I appreciated the fact thatshe respected my dad enough to not show up today. It was the least she could do being that she was still staying at the condo.
Doing my best to remain calm, we approached the casket. As I looked over my mom’s body, I felt a knot form in my throat. It was beginning to become harder and harder for me to hold back my tears as the reality hit that my mom was gone forever.
My mom used to say, whenever people would die, they never looked like themselves in their caskets and now I understood what she meant. She looked nothing like I remembered her and the image of her before me was not one that I wanted to remember as her last. Tears fell from my eyes as this overwhelming feeling of grief washed over me. The only reason why I was able to contain myself from falling out was because of my dad. I wanted to be strong for him. As the three of us stood next to her casket, I noticed my dad struggling to stand from his wheelchair. Reggie quickly got behind him to assist him so that he could get closer to the casket. Watching my father look down in sorrow, tears falling from his eyes at my mom shock my soul.
Within three to five seconds my dad’s facial expression had gone from sorrow to rage. Then all of a sudden, he raised his good arm, swung, and slapped my mom so hard her casket tipped over. The funeral director, Reggie, amongst many others ran up to the front of the room to put my mom’s body back inside the casket and back on the stand as I stood there frozen, not able to speak or move. I had never in my life seen anything like that ever happen before. As I watched as they scrambled to situate my mom’s remains, the loudest, deepest, most thunderous wail hit the inside of my eardrums. It was a low growl that turned into a high-pitched scream then thunderous wail.
Snapping out of shock, I turned in the direction of the wailing to find my dad sitting in his wheelchair sobbing like a baby. Rushing to his aid, I pushed his wheelchair out of the funeralhome and headed for Reggie’s car. I couldn’t get us out of there fast enough. I was moving so fast I was jogging. As my dad and I waited on Reggie who was still in the funeral home we both cried.
That was over four weeks ago, and I must admit I miss the hell out of my mom. I think my dad was still in the grieving angry stage which he funneled all of his transgressions out in therapy. He was determined to get back to work because being a doctor was his true passion.
Meanwhile, Chelle was still staying at the condo. I wanted my dad to put her ass out, but he said that two wrongs didn’t make it right. Chelle was foul for sleeping with my mom yet his beef wasn’t with just her. It was with my mom for breaking their vows.
I realized after all was said and done that me and my mom were just alike in a lot of ways. I had the power to break the mold of not being an emotional mess and not living the life that I want to live. All my mom wanted was to be happy and truly in love, and she was miserable because she wasn’t living in her truth. My heart broke for her, and I held guilt in my heart for the fact that she and I would never be able to make things right between us.
Thankfully through it all Reggie had been front and center. The best part of it all was my dad loved Reggie. He even referred to him as the son he never had. I was so relieved that my dad felt that way about him because little did they both know we were about to be a family for real.
As I sat in my car in the parking garage of Reggie’s hotel replaying the events that took place the day my mom died, I snapped back into reality remembering why I was at the hotel. I had texted Reggie 9-1-1 earlier because I needed to tell him something. I had become anxious since I hadn’t heard back from him, so I decided to go to his hotel since what I needed to say needed to be said in person. I still had a key to his office suite, soafter existing my car, I made my way inside than headed straight to the suite. Just as I was about to make it to the elevators, my cellphone vibrating in my pockets caught my attention. Pulling it out and seeing that it was Reggie I answered.
“Hey baby, you good? Sorry I didn’t call you back right away. Deja called me to tell me Brandi had the baby this morning right as I pulled up to work. So, I left and went straight to the hospital. I’m actually about to pull up to the hospital now.”
“Oh wow, okay. How come you didn’t call me to let me know?”
“To be honest, baby, I didn’t think about it. All I could think was the baby is finally here and I need to immediately go see if I’m the dad or not. This shit been botherin’ me ever since Deja told me that bullshit about Brandi. The fact that I haven’t heard from Brandi really has me thinking that the baby isn’t mine. Either way I need to know A.S.A.P.”
“I understand, baby. Handle your business. Like always I’ll be here when you get back.”
“You texted me 9-1-1 though. What’s up?”
“I just needed to tell you something, but it can wait. It’s not an emergency. Just keep me posted.”
After hanging up from Reggie, I left my positive pregnancy test in the bathroom along with a handwritten sticky note that read:Congratulations, we’re pregnant!
CHAPTER 17
#Epilogue
#EightMonthsLater
@Trista
“When wasthe last time you spoke with your friend?”
“You got jokes, Jamal. You know me and Tatiana haven’t talked since we all got into that fight in Walgreens right before I left for school.”
“That was some wild shit.”
“I promise it was. All I did was go up to her and give my condolences for her mom dying, and she did the entire most. Then you and ole boy got to arguing and fighting. It was all too much. We both almost caught cases behind Tatiana’s dumb ass. I get her feeling some type of way about us, but at the same time I don’t get it. She told me out her own mouth that she wasn’t feeling you like she was feeling Reggie. I could see if she was into you all like that, but she wasn’t so I looked at it like you were fair game. I legit was being genuine trying to show her sympathy over the loss of her mom. It didn’t cause for her to act all hard and start talking shit to me. I can’t be out in the streets fightingand catching cases because I have too much to lose. My parents don’t take care of me like her parents do for her. If I would have gone to jail for fighting her, I would have lost my financial aid.”
“Indeed, it was, and I feel you on all of that. All Tatiana had to do was tell me she didn’t want to me with me. Instead, she had me spending my bread on her ass thinking shit was all good with us when the whole time she was checking for dude. Had me out here looking like a whole fool over her ass and it ain’t never that serious. I told you not to say shit to her ass.”
