“I know what you mean.” The smirk he’s had since before we started this conversation disappears. He almost looks pissed when he goes on, “You mean you don’t need Kenley the way Emmery always wanted you to need her. But you didn’t let Emmery down because you didn’t care enough, or because you didn’t need her the way she claimed to need you. All that shit was just about control. And you know that. So, don’t go using it against Kenley now.”
“I’m not.” He still doesn’t get it. It’s starting to piss me off too. “If anything, I’m trying to protect her. Right now, she doesn’t think I’m coming back. So, maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just let her go, because I know and you know, that I could. At any point moving forward, I could let her go.”
“Like she let you go.”
I feel like he just threw me a curveball. “What?”
“Well, you’re all worried about the fact that you don’t need her, but have you stopped to notice that she doesn’t need you either?”
Unexpectedly deflated, I sink back into the seat. “You’re right. She doesn’t need me.” I even asked her. I specifically said the words, ‘what do you need’. And the answer wasn’t me.
“You’re not supposed to need each other. That need is what makes shit toxic, it’s what poisons a relationship, fucks with the trust, creates manipulation, invites a desire for control. You don’t want to need her, any more than you want her to need you.” His smile slowly comes back. “That’s the single biggest thing Ness and I always had going for each other. It’s why we were as strong as we were for as long as we were.”
“Would you do it again? With Nessa? If you had it to do over, would you? Take the kids out of the equation, say you had those either way, would you do it to have those years with her? Even knowing how it would end? How much it would hurt both of you?” I always just assumed the answer was yes. Now that I have a firsthand view of what’s at stake, I no longer feel right making that assumption.
“Without a doubt.” Matti nods, the smile still there even if it doesn’t hide the pain that still shows through whenever Nessa comes up. “I’d do it a hundred times over. Lose her every time for the years I got to call her mine.” He leans back, kicking out his right leg. “And she would too. That’s the beauty of never needing anyone. I know every day we both showed up, we both wanted to be there.”
I frown. “So, who stopped showing up?” I remember Matti not going home one break and instead coming with me on a surf trip. Looking back, I always knew it was the beginning of the end. But I never put it together quite like this. It can’t be right. It couldn’t have been Matti who wanted out.
“We both did.” He shrugs. “All it took was one time. She told me she needed space to sort through some things. That she was going to take the kids and visit her great aunt in Indiana for a few weeks. Her trip fell right into a window of time I was cominghome, but with the empty house waiting for me, and Nessa needing time to herself...”
“You decided not to go home and came with me instead.”
He nods.
I still don’t get it though. “Did you ever find out what she was trying to sort out?”
“I don’t think she was getting what she needed out of our marriage anymore. The kids were getting older. They still needed her to drive them everywhere and arrange everything, but they didn’t need her like they did when they were little. Suddenly, she said she just felt empty. The kids had their own lives. I had mine. She’d set aside her career to take care of a family that no longer needed her to. So, she needed to find new ways to fill her cup.”
I guess she did just that. Last I heard, the yoga studio she opened up was thriving. Not that anyone was surprised she’d found success by combining her business degree and her lifelong yoga practice.
“Can I ask you one more thing? One more thing that’s totally none of my business and you probably don’t want to talk about since it’s a shitty topic to trudge up already.”
He snorts. “Do we have boundaries around that shit?” He waves for me to spit it out. “Let’s hear it.”
“Why didn’t you just go after her? When she went to stay with her aunt, I mean. If you knew she was pulling away, why not follow her instead of tagging along with me?”
As soon as I ask it, I regret it. Matti suddenly looks as defeated sitting here now as he did the day I went with him to sign his divorce papers.
He looks out the window for a long while before he finally answers. “Going after each other wasn’t what we did. We always excelled in letting each other go. It’s what made us strong where other people fell apart. We never asked each other to stay, wenever tried to pull each other back. We trusted that in giving each other freedom, we gave each other the choice to show up. We knew to rejoice when we did, and to respect each other’s decision when we didn’t.” The way he says it, like it’s rehearsed, makes me think he’s given himself this same speech, the same explanation, over and over and over again.
“Ever think of going after her now?”
He stares at me, like I’ve just said something crazy. Then, slowly, he starts to shake his head. “No more talking about me and my fuckups in love. My problems are beyond the scope of fixing for the moment. Not to mention, I prefer to focus on your shortcomings over my own.”
I let out a laugh. “Gee, thanks.”
“Seriously, though. Take need out of the equation. You love her?”
I don’t even have to think about it. “Yes.”
“Good.”
“How is that good. You of all people know that love isn’t enough.”
He nods. “It’s true. It’s not.”
“So, what is?”
