He gestures for me to lead the way into the bathroom where we both floss and brush our teeth before I leave him to finish up alone, having been mostly ready for bed since before the movie even started.
A few minutes later, we’re under the covers, my head on his chest, listening to his heart, wondering if tonight will be the last time I hear it while I fall asleep.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
KNOX
We wake up to my alarm, the first and only one I’ve set since I’ve been staying here. And reason enough to remind me why I hate them. Mostly, because this one was set to help me leave.
I don’t want to leave.
My flight is scheduled for way before Sloan’s normal waking hours, so Kenley and I let her sleep as long as possible, spending a quiet half an hour just the two of us, the dogs and coffee.
We sit curled up on the sofa, her legs across my lap, neither of us saying much.
“What happens when you get to where you’re going?” she asks. “Is someone you know picking you up? Do they send a car? Do you just uber your way to wherever your tour bus is parked?” It’s like every question she says out loud, triggers another one. “Do they just drive the tour bus to the airport to come and get you?” She’s smirking at that one, likely imagining how that scene might play out.
“Normally when I have to fly in to meet up with everyone, management sends a car for me. Most of the time, I’m only separated from everyone because I had some appearance or interview or photoshoot or whatever. My management team handles all of that, so they make sure I get to and from the tour bus as well,” I explain, trying to give her more insight into the life she thinks could make me forget her. “If it’s up to me, I usually just go with Uber.” If I have a choice between lowkey, real people or official, formal interactions, I’m always going to go with the first one. “Matti’s coming to get me today though.” He texted me late last night to tell me.
“You two are closest, huh? Out of the band?”
“It’s hard not to be close to everyone you spend half the year living in such close quarters with, but yeah,” I agree, “we’ve been at this together the longest, so it’s probably fair to say we’re closest out of everyone.” Then I think of Jason and Cass. “I mean, I guess it depends on your definition of closest. Some might argue Jason and Cass are closer than me and Matti, if we’re going for a more literal, physical interpretation of things.”
She grins. “I wonder what that’s like. Living the rock star life without having to make the sacrifice of leaving your loved one home while you’re on the road.”
“That part’s probably good.”
Her eyes flash with outrage and surprise, but she laughs too, so she’s not really offended. “Probably?”
I can see where it sounded shitty now. “I meant that specifically for Jason and Cass,” I clarify. “They have a weird dynamic. They can be head over heels mad for each other one minute and then just madat each otherthe next. And I do think being on tour together all the time adds to the constant build-up of tension between them.”
She sips her coffee, thinking it over.
Before she gets too lost in thought, making up stories, I add, “They’d probably be fine if they had their own space. But they’re not just constantly with each other, they’re always with me and Matti, too. Plus, about twenty or so crew members that travel with us. It takes a lot for them to scrape together a few moments of privacy, time to just focus on each other, so it’s not surprising when one or the other starts lashing out. It’s gotta be frustrating to have your person so close by but never have your needs met, never be able to meet your partners needs the way you’d like to.”
“Can’t you guys get another bus?”
“Trust me, we have enough of those. We’re like a traveling circus everywhere we go as it is. Privacy just isn’t part of this lifestyle. Not like it is elsewhere anyway.”
She nods but stays quiet for a moment longer.
Then, she seems to have another thought. “When Matti was married, did his wife ever come on tour with you guys? Do his kids ever join you now?”
I chuckle. “Having thoughts about the future?”
“No.” She hides her face behind her mug.Busted.
“So, just random curiosity, got it.” I laugh at her. “In that case, yes, his kids meet up with us regularly on weekends or when they have time off from school. But Nessa rarely joined us. I don’t even know why. I think Matti just felt like he was a better husband keeping things separated. When he was with her, he was one hundred percent focused on her. When he was on tour, he was one hundred percent focused on music. He never had to half-ass either one that way.”
I watch her bite her lip. I can literally hear her mind begging her to ask out loud if I would do it the same way. I wouldn’t. A week ago, I probably would have said otherwise, but now, I can’t imagine myself being split in two like that. Even when I leave her, when I go step on stage tonight and give it my all, my all will include her. She’s a piece of me now. How I love her, I will love her, hold space for her, in everything I do.
I open my mouth to tell her just that when I notice her teeth have released her lip and the focus in her eyes has faded. She’s not stressed about it anymore. This place of in between she’s created for herself, is bringing her comfort, a peace I can’t give her until I come back and show her all the things I want to say are true.
So, I keep my mouth shut. I run my hands gently up and down her calves, and I drink my coffee, savoring the last minutes we have together before we have to leave for the airport.
KENLEY
“So, how does this work?” Sloan asks from the backseat just as we’re pulling into the airport parking lot. I like this airport. It’s small. Unlike the International one an hour away, this one doesn’t require circling a parking garage for ten minutes, nor do you have to take a monorail just to get into the airport after you leave your vehicle.
