Merron twined my hair around his fist, his expression pained. “But you’re always with her.”
“Notalways. Not right now.”
“No, but...” His brows crooked. “She consumes you, Harlowe. I keep hoping you’ll realize it. I wait for you every evening, you know, in my room. I fall asleep wondering if the door’s about the crack open. If tonight’ll be the night you finally come to me and say you’ve had enough.”
My chest twinged. I eased out from under him and sat up. “I don’t know why. I’m not worth dreaming about. And I thought we agreed to no talking.”
“We did, but...” He trailed off, but apparently, he couldn’t help himself. “Youareworth dreaming about. You’re the only person in this goddess-forsaken place that is.”
I averted my face, an intolerable ache unfurling behind my breastbone.
“You understand that, right?” His tone grew imploring. “You must know you’re the only reason I’m still here.”
I stood and went toward my vanity. The walls bowed inward, crowding me, and I picked up the first thing my fingers touched, a dented metal hairbrush I turned over and over.
I remembered now why I hadn’t slept with Merron in months. He always did this, no matter how many times he promised not to. “I don’t think I can give you what you want. I’m sorry, Merron, but I can’t.”
An exhale punched out of him. “But I’m not asking for that much. Just for you to let me in, Harlowe. To stop running when I get close.”
“I don’trun.” I thunked the brush down. “How can you even say that? I’m right here. I’vebeenhere. I suffer through these nightmares month after month, year after year. I never even complain.”
“You know that’s not what I mean.” He yanked a hand through his hair, mussing it even more than my groping fingers already had. “You’re so incredibly loyal, it’s what I love about you, but it’s all for Amryssa. Never for me, or even for yourself. It’s like you don’t care that I’ve asked you to leave. You don’t trust that I’d take care of you, but I would. I’d build you a house somewhere. Get you out of Oceansgate, away from Olivian and this half-mad girl he’s hung around your neck. I’d give you everything, if you’d just let me.”
“Amryssa’s not a chore,” I snapped, ignoring the rest. “She’s my friend.”
He shook his head. “She isn’t. She’s never done a thing for you.”
My teeth clamped together. Amryssa had done more for me than anyone else had, including my so-called parents.Especiallymy so-called parents. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t I?”
“No.”
“Then tell me. Explain this hold she has over you. And why I can’t break it, no matter what I do.”
I stalked to an armchair and pulled a moth-eaten throw off the back, wrapping it around myself despite the sweat dampening my skin. “I don’t owe you my story, Merron. I don’t owe you anything.”
He ground his jaw, visibly frustrated, and I relented.
“Look.” I ventured over and stood between his knees. “You might think you want me, but you don’t. Not really.”
He hooked his hands behind my thighs, not seeming to care that he wore not a single stitch of clothing. Soulful chestnut eyes pleaded with mine. “How can you say that? How can you presume to know what I want better than I do?”
“Because.” I sighed. “If I ran away with you, you’d regret it. Maybe not right away, or even in a year. But eventually, you’d meet some other woman who’s more beautiful and kind-hearted than I am. Someone who’s less work. Less trouble, less...everything. And then I’d become the stone aroundyourneck. This is me doing you a favor, trust me.”
He rested his forehead against my midsection and hugged my legs, nearly toppling me. “You have no idea what you are, do you? Or what we could be if you’d just...try.”
I swallowed thickly and ran my hands through his hair. “You have no idea how misplaced your faith in me is.”
His shoulders bunched as he squeezed me tighter, but nothing much remained for us to say. When he finally let go, I kissed him—a kind of farewell only I understood—and watched him dress. He moved stiffly, hurt rising off him in waves.
Sourness pummeled my stomach, but how could he not realize his devotion was simply bred by circumstance? We were trapped here, repeatedly pushed to the brink of sanity, and it was enough to confuse the best of men. To make anyone who could achieve a basic level of functioning look good.
But if I went with Merron, the adoration in his eyes would inevitably dim. Maybe he’d relish our life, at first. He’d build us a cottage where we would kiss and bicker and fuck like rabbits, but in time, he’d discover my sharp edges. He would come to know the real Harlowe, and his smiles would fade. He’d turn his back at night instead of cradling me in his arms.
He’dleaveme. Even if he didn’t go anywhere.
And I’d had more than enough of that.
