Without saying anything, I threw the empty bottle at his feet and scurried onto the path that led to the other end of the headland. I moved swiftly. I knew that Nathan was following or sending someone else after me. I didn’t care. About anything. Even snakes and alligators. In the damp night air, I relieved myself behind a bush, then hurried back along the path and, after a few minutes, found the hut where I had discovered the clothes and the mirror that morning. There was no door and I sat on the chest in the bare room.
With my heart pounding, I listened for noises in the darkness. I heard something in the distance and hoped that Nathan had sent someone else. I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to see anyone.
The porch boards creaked. “Prinsessa? You here?”
Luckily, it was Pan! I was the least angry with him.
“Hey!” I called outside. “I’m inside.” I remembered that he had been watching me lately when he thought I wasn’t looking. But he was the only one who had probably taken my side today, at least that was what it sounded like.
Clumsy footsteps approached, and a moment later, a shadow fell over me even though I thought it couldn’t get any darker. Pan stood in front of the nonexistent door.
“I’m not going back with you,” I stated immediately just to make that clear.
“I come in?”
I nodded hesitantly and he had to bend down to walk under the doorframe. He couldn’t stand upright in the cabin, so he plopped down on the chest next to me. The old wood creaked alarmingly so that for a moment, I feared the whole one-room shack would collapse like a house of cards and sink into the swamp.
“Your hair beautiful…suits you. You strong woman,” he said, looking me up and down, which caused an unpleasant tingling sensation on my neck. “And pants very nice. Can see skin.”
That was true, especially since moonlight was now coming through the window. I stiffened my shoulders, but I didn’t move away from him because I didn’t want to offend him.
“So, you mad at Nathan. Nathan mad at you?”
I nodded. Next to me, he started rolling a cigarette with loose tobacco. There was something comforting about it that relaxed me, and for a moment, I wanted to curl up somewhere, fall asleep in the musty smell of the hut, and escape my heart. It was wrong to want Nathan, but my stupid heart couldn’t stop thinking about him with every beat, even now.
Pan licked the cigarette paper, closed it, and lit the cigarette. For a while, no one said a word. Pan smoked and I stared at the shadowy outlines in the hut. A broken rocking chair, a fallen table with three legs, broken dishes, and a cradle for a baby. I thought of the words that were still haunting my mind.You are my everything.
Suddenly, I thought about Mom. What would she say now if she could see me? What would she advise me to do?Trust your dad?But she had wanted to leave him.
Pan interrupted my thoughts by rising and stubbing out his cigarette on a piece of ceramic, then sitting back down on the chest. “I tell Nathan I don’t like anything. I tell Nathan he scared bunny. Locking up girl just because he love her! Because he fear love!” He snorted contemptuously.
I blinked in surprise. “You told him that?” I put my feet on the chest and wrapped my arms around my knees.
“Yes, prinsessa,” he said almost sorrowfully. “Nathan, he love you. I know.”
Tears welled up in my eyes at those simple words.He love you. I know.
“I want to talk to you, prinsessa. For a long time.” Pan squared his shoulders, suddenly looking serious. “I like you very much, you know. Very, very much.”
Oh no!I prayed he wouldn’t force me to say something that would hurt him. “I like you very much too, Kjertan,” I replied cautiously.
“Willa.” It was the first time I had heard him say my name and he himself seemed surprised by the sound coming out of his mouth. “Your father, you now perhaps doubt guilt. But if you see he guilty and you no want go home, I take you to place in Canada. Not Coldville. Another place. Very nice. To clean lake. I be good to you. I support us if you want.” He looked at me with huge, black, glowing eyes, and I felt uncomfortable and guilty because I liked him, but not in the way he liked me. “Pan…Kjertan…” I began, the low ceiling suddenly feeling oppressive. “I…I like you as a friend, but I believe you like me a little more than I like you.” My heart pounded as I looked at him. “You’ll make a good husband someday…if you’re not involved inanother hostage situation.” I timidly put my hand on his and he smiled so dejectedly that my heart ached.
“I thought so. I suspect your heart belong to Nathan. But I no lock you up in tiny shed.”
“I know.” I nodded, smiling.
“You still love him?” I nodded again, and Pan put his other hand on mine so that it disappeared completely under his. “Nathan want you hate him. He no want punish you for words he forgive in three seconds. Well, maybe ten. But he no forgive self for loving you. He feel safer if you hate him.”
“I know,” I whispered. I realized how afraid Nathan must be of love. Maybe I truly didn’t understand him. How could I? I hadonlylost my mom and he had lost everyone he’d ever loved. And now he was going to lose his brother too. From one moment to the next, I felt so sorry for him again even though I was so angry and hurt.
From the porch, I watched Pan with his shoulders sagging, walk around the shack and disappear into the darkness. My sympathy made my heart beat hard in my chest. I owed Pan an eternal debt of gratitude for our escape from Isaac, and yet I had to break his heart.
Lost in thought, I walked out onto the dock and looked up at the pitch-black sky. Millions upon millions of stars flickered in the sky, dancing around the narrow white band of the Milky Way, which looked as if the vault of heaven had a crack and a new sky with other suns and moons lay behind it.
You are my star in heaven and my earth.
It seemed to me that my subconscious was like these swamps—something had sunk to the bottom and was still there. It was only sleeping in the moorland, but apparently, I could only bring it up when my life was in danger.
