He kissed me again, smothering my question with his mouth and tongue. He tasted of this mystical landscape, of adventure and foreignness, a taste that intoxicated me deeply. At some point, he let go and I put my hands under his rain-soaked t-shirt, running my hands over his hot, damp skin, the hard muscles, and the many names of the dead. I felt the rough wood of the hut against which he was pressing me. Everything blurred; the many questions in my mind, my flickering thoughts, and every memory.
The next time he backed away, there was a strange sparkle in his sea-gray eyes. Maybe men looked at women like that when they wanted to sleep with them. I didn’t know, I had no experience. Tense, I clutched his t-shirt in my hands and felt my heart pounding in my throat.
“Nathan?” I whispered with burning lips on which I could still taste him. “What is this between us?”
He looked at me as if spellbound, then slowly raised his hands and gently stroked my face with his fingers from my forehead to my temples down to my chin, and back up again, completely in sync. He seemed lost, so far away. “I never wanted to fall in love. I never wanted to love anyone again. It has only brought me unhappiness,” he said roughly.
“Tous ceux qu’il aime meurent.”
His hands tugged at my hair between my chin and shoulder, a brief recognition of the change without words. “Yes.” His voice sounded heavy, rough, and throaty. “Everyone I love dies, it’s always been like that. An eternal curse.”
“Your brother is still alive,” I said. “He’s still with you.”
He tugged at my hair again. He was silent. And his long silence was my answer. I finally understood. That was the missing piece of the puzzle that I had been missing. “Isaac…he’s sick too…dying?” I whispered, stunned. That was where Isaac’s miserable hatred for me came from, that personal touch I always felt.
Nathan took a step back and suddenly seemed withdrawn. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
And I want to kiss you, but the wish was childish at that moment. “Nathan, talk to me,” I begged, hoping to sound urgent enough. “I’m here and I’m not dying.”
“But one day you’ll go and I can’t bear to lose anyone again. One day you’ll die too.” He said the last part angrily as if it were my fault.
“But…everyone dies at some point.”
He looked at me, and for a split second, his face was devoid of shielding, harboring his sadness and all his grief without anger. Now he looked neither warlike nor a pirate, just a lonely boy who didn’t understand the world. “But I can’t take it anymore. Do you understand? Next time it will destroy me and leave nothing of me behind.” He pressed his lips together and the defenseless moment was over. As he stood there, it seemed as if only his anger at the unjust world could hold him together, as if he would fall apart if he let go. My heart ached when I saw him like that.
“I promise I won’t die. Not in front of you,” I said with a smile even though it was stupid.
Immediately, he clenched his hands. “Promises are sacred. You have to be able to keep them, but yours is impossible.”
“Nathan, all I want is…”For you to kiss me. For you to love me. For us to be together. At least, for the time I’m trapped here. I wanted to tell him all of that, but I couldn’t when I realized he was so miserable. He was shaking and I was afraid that he would withdraw again, reject me, or treat me badly just to protecthimself. “I’m sorry about Isaac,” I said quietly even if I only felt sorry for Nathan himself. “How long…” I stopped when I saw his lightless gaze. His eyelids fluttered.
“He still has time. Maybe six months, maybe a year. None of the others know.” He suddenly turned, jumped from the wooden porch to the ground, and offered me his hand so I could climb down easier.
“Is that why you did it?” I asked.
Nathan let go of me and marched straight through the thicket as if he was not afraid of poisonous snakes or giant spiders.
“Did what?” He didn’t even turn to me.
I quickly climbed over a fallen branch. “Take me hostage. Because your brother is dying. Is that why you went along with it?”
He still didn’t stop and that suddenly made me mad. “Damn it, Nathan, I’m talking to you!”
He moved even faster. He was doing it again! First, he literally attacked me with his affection and then pushed me away with both hands. I was so sick of it even though he had his reasons. I also had reasons why I wanted him to love me! And he owed me something. I was stuck here because of him and his brother! He and Isaac were to blame for me doubting Dad and almost drowning in a fishing net. On top of that, he had tied me up and mocked me. Why did I feel so drawn to him in the first place? Because of a single summer in my childhood—a few words between colorful lights, broken glass, and rays of sunlight? I didn’t know and that annoyed me even more. And being angry was better than admitting my disappointment. Out of carelessness, I stumbled over an old abandoned pipe. I caught myself, but something scraped my leg, it was sharp and hot, so I automatically screamed.
“Willa?” Nathan, who was several yards further, turned around.
Yes, of course! Now you react! You only admit your feelings to yourself any time you are afraid for me!
The stinging pain in my leg brought tears to my eyes. “I think a coral snake bit me!”
Chapter 4
Ihave no idea why those words came out of my mouth, maybe because I was so angry or because the bent pipe had actually reminded me of a snake at first. “An orange-and-black striped one…” I added, shocked at myself—it was merely a scratch, and Nathan feared the death of a loved one. I wanted to tell him that it was only a stupid joke, but as he charged toward me, my throat constricted.
His face was white as alabaster, even paler than Sparta’s, and his eyes were filled with a deep, terrified darkness. He no longer looked like himself but like a man whose soul had been stolen by a demon. Completely void. He fell to his knees in front of me and grasped my leg with his hands, but I still couldn’t say anything.
“Willa,” he whispered, his voice wavering. “Good God, Will…”
