She had a dozen retorts, but didn’t use a single one.
“I thought about it last night, but I swear, he’s not interested.” She leaned over and kissed her grandpa’s cheek. In the last year, it seemed he’d aged more than usual. His energy was down, and he wasn’t doing all the things he loved the same way, and even though he never complained, Tonya worried about him. “Before you lecture me, it’s not like I’ve never put myself out there or made subtle hints.”
“I know you, Tonya. You’ve never expressed your wants and needs well.” Her grandfather shook his head, rubbing his chin with his thumb and forefinger. “I remember when you were about seven, and I took you, and only you, to go see Santa. You let five little boys and girls go ahead of you.”
“That’s because they were either crying or their parents had little babies with them that were crying. Or one little girl had to pee so bad I thought she was going to do it right there in line. I was being kind.”
“What about the fact that when you finally got to Santa, you told him that you didn’t need anything.”
She never liked suggesting gifts for herself. It felt pretentious to tell anyone what to buy as a present, yet she had no problem telling brides to make sure they told everyone where their registry was so that they got exactly what they wanted and not five of everything. But her grandpa wasn’t really talking about that. It had more to do with the fact that she didn’t like to be the center of attention. She always preferred to be behind the scenes of anything. She hated surprise parties. Hell, she never wanted to even have a regular birthday party. The few times she did have one, she would have anxiety issues when the kids would gather around her to open the gifts. When she turned twelve years old, she finally found her voice and told her parents to stop planning parties with her friends and keep it to her sisters and a family dinner.
Lucky for her, they respected that and to this day, they kept it simple. But finding her voice was half the battle. Expressing it was the rest—two things she didn’t always do.
“I’ve never wanted for anything,” she said.
“Except Foster.”
“Not a good comparison, Grandpa,” she said. “Things with him are complicated.”
Foster could only be described as a lone wolf. He spent his time tinkering on his house and his cabin in the woods. When he wasn’t doing that, he was checking on his ex-wife, who was currently homeless, something Foster wanted to change, but Victoria wouldn’t even go to a shelter, much less consider living in Foster’s cabin or boathouse, unless she was sober, which hadn’t happened in three years.
Outside of that, Foster had his wedding business and then did side work for Sutten and Tanner Construction, a local company. Lately, he’d been working longer hours for Doug and Jim and enjoying it. That made Tonya happy. It seemed like Foster was finding his groove. He needed that so he could live in the present, not the past all the time.
“Perhaps.” He waggled his finger. “But you’ve never told him that you have feelings for him. All you’ve ever done is half-assed it because you’re afraid. Just like with Santa. Or with a lot of things because you don’t like to rock the boat.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” She shifted her gaze to the dock, where Foster waited for the bride and groom. He’d been unusually nervous, which was never like him on wedding days. He loved nuptials. He was an old sap when it came to romance. It might not be for him, but he appreciated the ritual for others.
Tiki’s wedding had been bigger and required more planning than Tayla’s intimate ceremony. Tiki had been impressed with Tonya’s negotiating abilities. She had even teased Tonya about howruthlessshe’d been in getting the best price for the centerpieces for the table. That had made Tonya laugh. She wouldn’t have described herself that way at all. It was her job to help the bride and groom have the most special day within their budget. All she did was talk the vendor into a price she knew he could handle and still turn a profit.
She understood where Tiki was coming from because it wasn’t like Tonya to be outspoken in general.
“The entire reason you never told Santa what you really wanted was out of fear. You didn’t want to be disappointed on Christmas morning. You’ve always believed it’s better to not have high expectations.”
That was a true statement and one she wasn’t going to argue. Her grandfather had roundabout ways of getting to his point. The analogies didn’t always make sense, but his intentions did, and right now, he’d nailed it. When it came to Foster, she didn’t think it was a good idea to push. It had less to do with not wanting to be hurt if he rejected her feelings, but his friendship was more important and she wanted to make sure he’d always be in her life.
“I understand you’re scared,” her grandfather said. “What’s the worst thing that can happen if you put your heart on the line?”
Of all the people in the world, she could be the most honest with her grandfather, especially now that both her sisters had gotten married. It wasn’t that she couldn’t bare her soul to Tiki and Tayla, because she absolutely could. It was that she didn’t want to constantly hear their positive interjections about how love would happen for her when it was her time. That some awesome man was wandering the area, looking for the perfect woman, and it was time to play the field. One of her sisters—she couldn’t remember which one—had even suggested that might make Foster think about making a move.
Ugh. That felt like manipulation.
“That I make things awkward and could change our friendship and our working relationship. I don’t want to risk losing him forever. He’s a good friend. I want to keep it that way.”
“I doubt that you will make it weird by putting your feelings out there. I have faith you won’t do that. Neither will he. But you'll never know if you sit there and keep your emotions bottled up inside.”
This had been her grandpa’s mantra for the last couple of years. Lately, however, he’d been pushing harder than usual, bringing it up almost every time he saw her, and she started to wonder if maybe he was right. What made it all worse was the last few times she’d been with Foster, like last night, he’d been giving her signals.
Of course, she could be misreading those simply because she was madly in love with the man.
“You know it’s not that simple, especially now.” She had a million excuses as to why she shouldn’t express her feelings. It was never the right time. Or something in one of their lives got complicated. But the bottom line was she was terrified so she avoided it.
“Why? Because Victoria is living on the streets and using? She’s been doing that on and off since he divorced her. That is nothing new.”
“She went missing for an entire month this past winter. It was terrifying for Foster. He feels responsible for her for some reason. She’s spiraling out of control and he’s concerned. She hasn’t stopped using for three years. That’s the longest she’s been on a binge and—”
“I’m well aware of how Foster worries about his ex-wife. When he and I have gone into the village, he’s always looked for her to give her food and check on her. When he can’t find her, he does tend to panic,” her grandfather said. “But Foster can’t save his ex-wife, and while he tries to protect her, deep down he knows her safety is out of his hands because he walks away even when he can’t find her. Slowly, he’s been distancing himself from her; even if you don’t see it, or he doesn’t accept it, that’s the reality.”
Tonya had been with Foster when he’d searched the streets looking for Victoria and came up empty-handed. The first time he never stressed. But if it lasted a week or more, that’s when the panic set in and he’d spend every waking moment checking known crack houses and all her old stomping grounds. The problem with Foster when it came to his ex-wife was he felt as though he let her and their daughter down. He still carried tremendous guilt over Lisa’s death and what he believed was his role.
