“Why are you worried about that?”
“Because I don’t know if I can ever be in a forever kind of relationship, no matter how much I care for someone.” Saying those words crushed his heart in ways he hadn’t expected. It was like someone took a dagger and stabbed him, twisting and turning it until he bled out. “I certainly don’t want to lead you on, but I can’t deny that there is something wild, intense, and real between us.”
She pushed herself up, sitting cross-legged. “This is just a first date.”
He followed suit, facing her and taking her hands. “When Lisa died, a piece of me went with her.”
Tonya opened her mouth, but he hushed her by pressing a finger over her lips.
“You know I’ve spent years in therapy working really hard not to be this angry shell of a man. I’m trying to have a life, but even if I can get to the point where I want to be in a long-term relationship, I don’t know that I can give you what you want and deserve.”
“What is it that you think I want?”
“Marriage. Kids.” His throat went dry the moment the latter word hit his lips. His heart raced, and not in a good way. His toes itched to feel a hard surface. The sudden urge to run overtook all the tender and warm feelings he had for Tonya.
And yet, a little voice in the back of his mind begged him to stay.
She lowered her gaze and fiddled with her thumbnail. “Perhaps those are things I want in the future. But you and I have barely started any kind of romantic relationship. Why are we discussing them now?”
“Because you need to know that I don’t believe I can give you those things.” He took her chin with his thumb and forefinger. “I’ve been denying my feelings for you for a long time and not just because I’m afraid that I can’t do this. Living my life scares the crap out of me. Really starting my life over means I have to hold that mirror up and take a good look at who I am, and I haven’t done that.”
She palmed his cheek. “My grandfather has always told me that without risk, there is no reward.”
“Your grandpa has a saying for everything.”
“They are often true,” she said. “We care about each other. If we don’t try, we’ll both wonder. Do you want that?”
“At this juncture, no.” He brushed his lips over hers in a tender, slow kiss. She tasted like a mixture of strawberries and sunshine. It was intoxicating and he wasn’t sure he could ever stop. “At the same time, I don’t want to—”
“Stop,” she whispered. “I appreciate what you’re saying. But I don’t need you to treat me with kid gloves. Let’s enjoy the moment and see where this takes us.”
“I’m so in over my head.” He pulled her onto his lap, cradling her in his arms. He had no control over what he was feeling anymore. If he ended things right now, it would leave them both reeling, which wouldn’t be healthy. Taking a leap of faith was his only option. Even if deep down, he believed his heart was broken and it would never mend to the point that he’d be whole.
Maybe it would be enough.
Perhaps he could pull himself into the present to the point he could be the kind of man Tonya deserved.
He took her mouth in a hot, passionate kiss. Totally improper for the surroundings. He had no idea who was watching, if anyone. And at this point, he didn’t actually care. He’d forgotten how good it felt to have close human contact. He allowed himself to get lost in the moment.
Lost in Tonya.
Until he heard someone splashing in the water nearby.
“Foster? Is that you?” a female voice rang out.
He cringed. He knew that voice and he had never wanted to hear it again. The last time he had spoken to Kathy, it hadn’t gone well. It never did. He dropped his forehead to Tonya’s and took in a deep cleansing breath before he blinked open his eyes. He turned. “Hi, Kathy,” he managed. Being niceish would be the only way to get through this awkward moment.
Kathy treaded in the water on the side of the boat with two other women. He recognized one of them as her cousin. He had no idea who the other one was and he didn’t care.
“What are you doing here?” Kathy asked.
A sarcastic reply filled his mouth, but he swallowed it. Kathy could give as good as she got, and he wasn’t ready to explain to Tonya his past relationship with Kathy. Though he probably should. However, this wasn’t the right time or space.
“Enjoying a nice Sunday.” He saw no need to elaborate any further. Kathy hadn’t taken their breakup well. She desperately wanted to be there for him and comfort him in his time of grief. Or that’s what she kept telling him, only her actions didn’t match up with someone who understood what he had experienced. Kathy had been selfish and wanted the life she envisioned and that wasn’t something he’d been capable of back then, much less with her.
While he never blamed Kathy for his daughter’s death, she was the reason he’d been absent, and being around her was a constant reminder of his failure. Even now, it pulled up that pain, torturing his soul.
“I’m surprised to see you here with a lady,” Kathy said. “Are you going to introduce me to your friend?”
