Are you okay?
Trevor
Yep. Who knows how late I’ll be. Don’t wait up
Oh, I’m definitely staying up. I slept horribly last night. All I wanted was Trevor’s arms around me. He’s my comfort, my safety, and my reassuring furnace when I wake up in the middle of the night shivering. Slowly, he’s becoming everything I associate with home. Even though I act unflappable, I’m a mess inside.God,these fucking hormones.
I know I could get ready for bed and wait for him in there, but he’s been on the road now for four hours. I want him to come home to a freshly cooked meal. This domestic side is new to me. One I’ve never felt safe to explore in the past, but Trevor’s fostered it. He handles me gently, whether I’m emotional and fragile or bullheaded and fierce. I didn’t realize that wasa need for me—tenderness. I’m getting so fucking sappy, but embracing my soft side with him feels really damn good.
So I pull out the ingredients for his favorite meal and set a pot of water on the stove to boil next to a warming skillet. While chopping the veggies, I think about his dimples that interrupt the skin on his rugged face when he smiles at me. I mince the garlic and onions and slide them into the pan while imagining his arms wrapping me in a blanket of security. As I reach for the bag of pasta, silly little butterflies waltz in my belly at the thought of him kissing my shoulder like he does when he thinks I’ve fallen asleep in bed.
No,not butterflies.
It’s more like tiny bubbles bursting. I drop the pasta in the pot and stare down at my bump.That’s my baby girl… I giggle, putting a hand on my belly.This is so bizarre.Feeling her move for the first time—it’s amazing. It’s been twenty-two long weeks, but somehow, everything up till now is nothing compared to how monumental this is. A tear slips down my cheek, and I don’t even hurry to wipe it away. Those tiny bubbles just solidified the new title that’s steadily being woven into my heart. I laugh again as I remember my worry a few weeks ago about being able to do this. Between Trevor’s reassurance and a couple of appointments with my therapist, I feel more capable. Right now, I have no doubts as determination sparks inside me. I’ll be the best damn mama to this little girl, if it’s the only thing I accomplish for the rest of my life.
Stirring the boiling pasta, my mind drifts to the centering rumble of Trevor’s voice. The sensation in my belly starts again, as if she senses my excitement at seeing her dad. I press a hand against my stomach, rubbing back and forth slowly to soothe her. “Daddy will be home soon,” I say quietly, carrying the boiling pot to the sink. I’ve barely plated the food when the lock turns on the front door.
Trevor’s eyebrows dip as his gaze sweeps the room. “What are you still doing up? It’s almost ten o’clock.”
I shrug, my heart suddenly pounding like I haven’t been sharing a space with this man for months. “I just thought you might be hungry since you’ve been stuck on the road after a full day of work…”
He slowly drops his bags on the floor next to the couch and walks toward me with a smile. “It smells good. What did you make?”
“Pasta primavera.”
Something flickers in his eyes that makes those butterflies join the popping bubbles in my belly. “My favorite,” he says, reaching up and taking my face in both of his hands. I’m only slightly sure he’s talking about the food. He holds me there, staring straight into my soul like he’s scouring over theBook of Secrets, trying to memorize everything inside. Staring back is my only choice.Could I love him?
I’ve never been in love. Not really. I’ve had the cheapened pseudo-love I thought I deserved, but never anything like this. Never something so pure and all-consuming. Never something that has me eager to give parts of myself no one’s ever seen. Trevor keeps his eyes on me as his forehead rests against mine. “I love you, Willa.”
Everything around me stills except for the pounding in my chest. Even though I just had the fleeting thought, I don’t trust myself with it.How can it be this easy?What if it all changes after the baby? I hardly feel like myself most days as it is. When everything settles and hormones aren’t making me soft anymore—when I’m back to my old self—will he really put up with me?Will I let him?I don’t know. Breathless, I drop my head, and just as fast, he lifts my chin.
“Just…breathe.” He grins at my sharp inhale, then chuckles when shallow breaths take over. “There we go… Sit with it.Feelit.” His gaze holds mine until my breathing slows, a soft smile gracing his lips once he senses my calm. He leans in and kisses me like I’m a long-lost memento he’s found after too many years. It kneads into my psyche, clings to my bones, and vibrates throughmy chest, amplifying all of my apprehension. Those who’ve claimed to love me in the past have only ever weaponized it. Why would this be any different?
He strokes my cheek, and must see the anxiety in my eyes. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “You don’t need to say it back, don’t need to earn it, or even reciprocate. Just…hear me when I say I love every single part of who you are. Each eye roll and sarcastic comment. All the teasing at my expense. Your philosophical rambles. That thing you do with your hands when you’re nervous. The quiet ways you show affection. I love all of you.” He presses a soft kiss to my lips. “You’ll say it whenever it feels right to you, and that’s okay.”
What if I can’t ever say it back?My gaze falls. His confidence in me is astounding, considering I have none in myself right now. Turning to the stove, I hand him a plate, then step away for a fork. “We should eat before it gets cold.”
“…Willa…”
I brace my hands against the counter, dropping my head with a sigh.“I know. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” His arms wrap around me from behind. “Just talk to me. Please?”
Even when we’re scared shitless…
Turning in his arms, I fix my eyes on his. Despite the intensity, I don’t look away this time. “No one says those words without some expectation to hear them back. I don’t know when I’ll be able to do that…ifI’ll be able to, considering my track record.”
“Okay.” He shrugs, and I scowl at his nonchalance. “I’m not sayingI love youjust to hear it back. I’m telling you because it’s true. I’m not going anywhere, and I’mnotchanging my mind. If it takes an eternity and a day for you to feel it, I’ll still be here waiting for that day after foreverbecauseI love you.” He kisses me again, slowly this time, as if he’s pouring a wax seal over my heart for safekeeping. “I don’t want to disturb your peace, Gem,” he whispers. “I want to be a part of it.”
You already are. The realization hits so suddenly, I can’t deny the truth in it. Despite all the chaos, he’s only added to the peace I’ve so carefully crafted in my life. There’s no separating him from my newfound harmony. So even though I can’t find the courage to say those three little words yet, in this moment, I feel them.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
WILLA
“And there’s been no bleeding or cramping?” Dr. Quentin asks, her red sequined heart headband glinting in the fluorescents as she drops the sheet from my pelvic exam over my legs. She spins in her stool and fiddles with the ultrasound machine. My eyes sweep the heart filled exam room, perfectly decorated for the day of love. It’s Valentine’s Day, and her office goes all out, complete with everyone wearing red and pink scrubs.
“Nope. Nothing.”
