“Like wedding bells on the horizon, good?” Her eyes glisten with excitement.
I grimace and shake my head. “No.”
“You just said everything was going well. You don’t want to be married?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s complicated. The kid thingwas something I dreamed about, but I always envisioned doing it by myself, just like everything else. I knew I’d have my own career and house and child.” I pull a black sequined sheath dress from the rack and fold it over my arm. “As great as he is, it’s an adjustment envisioning a life with a man I couldn’t stand a year ago, who’s more actively involved than I ever could have imagined possible from a partner.”
“But you’re already living it, Wills. You already have all of that, plus a life with him. You have for months.”
“I know.” I sigh. This sounds like a weak excuse, even to myself. It is one. Right before having Lyla, I had frequent thoughts of marriage. But now that everything’s settling, doubts follow each hope for the future. “I can’t imagine not having him in my life going forward.”
“So, you do want to marry him?”
“I…don’t know.”
“Girl, don’t give me that. Youdoknow. You’re just using your logic to crowd out your emotions. The question iswhy?”
“I’m just…not convinced he’s going to like me…”
Ashlie cackles, fully doubling over and hissing like a cat trapped in a burlap sack.
“I’m serious, Ash! Now that the hormones are settling, and I’m starting to feel like myself again, who’s to say he’s going to keep feeling the same? I’m not the easiest person to live with—you know this. And don’t get me started on how my body has changed. I find a new consequence of pregnancy every time I look in the mirror.”
“Girl. I say this as your loving sister… You’re the dumbest smart person I’ve ever met. That man has been captivated by you for years.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
“Oh, you don’t believe me? Hold this.” Ashlie shoves her collection of dresses into my arms, and I have to steady my feet to keep from tipping over. “Look. He sent this the night we were at dinner before the music festival last year.”
Trevor
What do you think Willa would do if I called her pretty?
Ashlie
Why don’t you do it and find out?
Trevor
Because I think she’d leave, and I really don’t want that to happen.
Ashlie
You could offer to walk her back to the hotel…win-win.
He did ask if he could walk me back to my room that night. I remember thinking I’d rather choke on a dry biscuit.
“How far back do you want me to go, Wills? He liked you before anything happened. It’s been years. I doubt falling in love and sharing the cutest baby ever would change his mind about anything.” She puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “You had a baby, not a lobotomy. I’d say you were more authentic when you were pregnant than you ever have been. You didn’t hide yourself, Wills. We got the full range of you for nine months, and it was beautiful.”
I shrug and stare at the fancy gowns in my arms. “I’m just scared, I guess. Everything’s great right now. I don’t want that to change. Not when I’m finally…” My breath catches, my eyes darting to hers to see if she heard.
“Happy?” She gives a knowing smile. “It’s okay to say you’re happy. Saying the word won’t make Trev and Lyla evaporate into the ether.” She nudges my elbow. “Say it, girl. You’re happy.”
“I’m happy.” I smile, the sequins gleaming with little starbursts as a watery puddle fills my eyes. Extremely happy. We’ve gotten to a comfortable place, Trevor and I, and I’ve never felt so cherished and understood and…happy.
Ashlie glances at her buzzing phone and rolls her eyes. “Not to burst your bubble, but Mom has been asking how you’redoing.” She holds it up, and reading the message takes away all the warm fuzzies I had a second ago.
“That’s the whole problem, Ash. Instead of fixing things herself, she’s trying to do it through you.”
