The smell was the first thing that hit my senses when Josh and I walked into the hospital. Alcohol and betadine overwhelmed me. I know the smell isn’t that strong, more of a lingering essence in the building, but it felt like I was sniffing it straight from the bottle.
I willed my breathing to normal and prayed I wouldn’t have to take another Xanax to get my heart rate under control. I had started having panic attacks about a year and a half ago and the only person who was aware of my choice to take medication was my psychiatrist, Dr. Lee.
The smell of the hospital was triggering memories from my “accident,”memories I couldn’t quite grab hold of. Lingering thoughts and emotions buried under my skin, itching to come to the surface, and I felt powerless to slow the overwhelming emotions that were avalanching toward me.
I felt Josh’s hand slip into mine and I curled my fingers around his, hoping to gain some strength through his touch. Since the first moment I met Josh, I felt calm in his presence. His ability to know when I was freaking out was a little unnerving at first, but had grown into something I had begun to cling to in times of stress. He had a way of making me feel safe, just by giving me a look or a few words of understanding and encouragement.
At one time I thought Josh had feelings for me, yet he never made one move other than the same friendship cues he gave Maddie and Caroline. After a while, I chalked what I had felt for him up to awakening hormones and a crush on the closest guy that I didn’t see as a brother.
Since I’d met him, I hadn’t heard of him going out on a date and I wondered if he was keeping it quiet because of my stupid childish crush. I think a part of me would die if I knew he was dating someone, kissing them, touching them. I wanted Josh for myself, but I was scared of rejection. Scared of the reaction my body had when I was near him. Scared of being intimate with him and somehow not being able to live up to his expectations.
I think that may be my biggest obstacle where Josh, or any guy for that matter, resides. My fear of being with someone after what I went through. Who would want to be with the broken girl who keeps secrets from them? My mother was the only one who knew my greatest shame and when she died, I felt like the only person who understood my fears, left me alone to figure out that part of my life.
I was snapped out of my daydream as Josh and I wove through the hallways and found the bank of elevators. My palms were sweating and he brought my hand up to his mouth and gave me a gentle kiss, not unlike I have seen him do with Maddie and Caroline in the past. The mixed signals my brain was receiving was starting to give me whiplash. One minute I would think he’s showing me affection on a friendship level, then the next I looked into his eyes and I got lost in forever.
We stepped into the elevator and began our rise into the hospital, making our way to labor and delivery. We walked into the waiting area and were met by Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe, Maddie, and Caroline’s parents. They weren’t my blood aunt and uncle but had been a huge part of my life before the accident. I found myself clinging to them when they were around. Maybe it was the parental aspect of them I craved, and I was happy that they’d welcomed me back into the family.
“Emily, you look beautiful, as always.” Aunt Lisa engulfed me in a hug that immediately had my anxiety calming down and my restless mind settling.
“Thank you, Aunt Lisa. Uncle Joe, are you ready to become a Papa?” I asked as I shifted into his arms and allowed my worries to float away. They were here if something went wrong, and they were the bedrock of our dysfunctional little family.
“I sure am! Look at the shirts we had made!” He laughed as he showed me his custom t-shirt with the wordsOne Proud Papaand motioned for Lisa to open her sweater, revealing the wordsOne Proud Nanawritten across the front of hers.
A giggle bubbled up from inside and for the first time in a long time, I was genuinely happy. I needed to embrace the good of what being here meant and allow my fears to leave me for the time being. I could always worry about all the unknown and fears later. Right now, I was waiting for my niece to be born and I was determined to enjoy every minute of the wait.
Looking over at Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe, I envied what they have. They met when he was in the Army, stationed at Ft. Benning, Ga. and fell in love almost immediately. He served his four years, left military service for civilian life, and had never looked back. My father had met him when we moved to the neighborhood and they bonded over their love of country, honor, duty, and most importantly, family.
Lisa and Joe adopted Maddie when she was eight years old after her mother died, the family of three became a family of four. When Lucas and Maddie were dating, Maddie found out that Lucas worked for Jason, her biological father. Jason had been at quite a few get-togethers and the relationship he had with Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe was remarkable. He praised them for raising Maddie and was generous to the family, almost to a fault.
I once asked Josh if he was trying to buy his way into the family and he explained that Jason had broken his own heart to ensure Maddie and her mothers’ safety. His fortune had grown by leaps and bounds during their separation and he’s now one of the largest internet, media, and phone company in the country. His generosity was to ensure that those who cared for his daughter were cared for themselves. That inner circle now included me and my brother Andrew, along with Josh and his parents.
“Where are your parents, Josh? I thought for sure they would be here.” I turned my head toward Josh, curious to hear the answer.
“They are taking care of Jake and there are some repairs and renovations being done to my place. Nothing major, but they insisted on being there to guarantee it is done properly the first time,” he responded with a smile on his face.
Josh loved his parents more than anyone I’ve ever seen. They had a unique relationship and I was fascinated by the interactions.
I know a little about Josh and his background but have never asked any probing questions regarding his adoption. All I know for sure is he was 12 and his parents were in their late forties when they adopted him. They’re still very active for their age and the dote on Josh and Jake, always willing to ‘grand-dog’ sit, so Josh can travel for his job.
A part of me was curious about his life before his adoption, but like my “accident”,I didn’t want him to have to explain the painful and irritating parts of his life. So, I wondered but never asked. I tried to get lost in my textbook, hoping to get some studying in while we were waiting on the newest arrivals of the family to be born. I don’t know how many times I read the same paragraph, hoping to get lost in the words and out of my own head.
I looked up to the sound Andrew coming into the waiting room. He walked straight to me and engulfed me in a hug, the nervous energy rolling off of him in waves. I didn’t know what to say to help with his fears of impending fatherhood so I deflected the conversation to Caroline.
“How is she doing? How long do they think she will be in labor?” I asked, hoping those were the right questions to ask.
“The doctor just checked her and she is about to get an epidural so she sent me out while they got her prepped. She’s progressing fast, so hopefully, it won’t be too long. I hate seeing her in pain but I know it will be worth it when I can hold my daughter in my arms,” he spoke to the entire group that had gathered closer while he hugged me.
“Can we see her after they give her the epidural?” Aunt Lisa questioned.
“She asked that you be in the room while they do the procedure. I think she’ s scared and asked me to come to get you,” Andrew explained, a look of panic in his eyes.
“Absolutely. Let’s go take care of our girl,” she replied as she linked arms with my brother and set off to Caroline’s room.
Uncle Joe stood when they were out of sight, “I’m going to grab us some coffees. Do you want anything?”
“I would love a coffee with creamer only. Emily?” Josh turned to me and I nodded my head, letting them know I was good with that option.
“Do you still take hazelnut creamer like my daughters?” Uncle Joe chuckled as he gathered his coat.
