It had been two days of Josh and I in the apartment, eating dinner together and getting ready for our day each morning, all with secret smiles on our faces. We had yet to talk about the kiss the other night and it was all I could think about. The feelings of his hard body pressed against mine, his full lips owning mine ran through my mind as we watched TV or just talked and got to know each other.
He had admitted to me he had slightly changed the truth about his mother and her time in the hospital. After he explained a small amount of his past, I realized he was embarrassed about his biological mother and her problems. He told me the ins and outs in the hospital were from physical abuse and physiological holds and eventually, she lost her battle. I felt as sad for the hard life he must have had, but I never wanted to placate him with the common words you hear when someone speaks of tragedy and personal loss.
‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I can’t imagine’ seem too little and the looks of pity you receive make you feel like you are somehow defective. With Josh, I never felt that. Early this year, I told Caroline part of my truth. She knew my “accident” wasn’t that at all, even if that’s how I used to refer to it. Josh was there that day and when I felt the tension and shame rising up inside of me, he took me into an embrace and allowed me to purge some of the pain blistering my skin and threatening to burn me from the inside out.
No one else mentions it, even if I see the looks in their eyes that let me know they are thinking about it and what little they know.Poor Emily. She was kidnapped and attacked and she will always be broken.
Josh looked at me like I was the most perfect person in the world, and when I looked back at him I believed he actually felt that way. He looked past the broken pieces and saw the real me. The person who wants to experience life and all that it has to offer. The person who is afraid of the intimacy a relationship brings. The person who just wants to forget that awful day and all the pain that was associated with it. The person who doesn’t want to be angry anymore.
Andrew called me this morning and let me know that Caroline and Maddie, along with both babies, were being discharged and were coming home. I made sure the apartment was cleaned up and ready for the new family to arrive. I spent the morning going through real estate websites and had scoured the bulletin boards on campus recently to see who may need a roommate. I wanted to have some options to present to them when I told them I was moving out. The thought of living with strangers scared me to death, but the thought of living alone caused me to lose sleep at night.
I hadn’t been alone at night since well before the attackand Dr. Lee had warned me it may cause my anxiety and fear to increase. He had recently found me a doctor here in Atlanta, and I was slowly starting to open up to her. I saw Dr. Sawyer twice a week for an hour each visit and she was a specialist in rape survivors.
Rape.I had to keep saying the word in my head as to not lessen what I had endured. Dr. Sawyer had finally gotten me to understand that by calling in an accident, I was signaling my brain that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Itwassomeone’s fault and he was serving 12-15 in the Georgia State Correctional System.
Shaking the negative thoughts away and focusing on finding a new apartment, I was looking over a cute one-bedroom guest house for rent not too far from campus, when I heard the keys in the front lock and the sounds of Andrew and Caroline coming in with baby Lillian. I jumped up from the dining room table and made my way into the living room as they began to unstrap her from her car seat and Caroline sat down in the rocking chair to hold her.
I walked over and gently stroked her soft, downy hair and Caroline pulled a blanket over her as she settled with a content sign.
“How was the drive from the hospital?” I asked her as Andrew was flittering around the apartment.
“Your brother refused to drive on the interstate. We could have been home in fifteen minutes but with him taking the surface streets through the city, it took almost forty minutes to get here. He drove like a grandma.” A laugh was evident in her voice.
Andrew’s head appeared from around the kitchen doorway, “I didn’t want my two girls on that crazy road on a Friday morning. The traffic is insane and people don’t know how to drive.” He disappeared back into the kitchen, and the sounds of him shuffling around could be heard.
I laughed at his serious tone and looked at Caroline as she gazed down on Lillian. “You did good, Mom.” I told her with a smile on my face.
A simple ‘thank you’ was all she replied as she looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. I was so happy my brother and his true love had found their way back to each other. Since the day we moved away, I blamed myself for my brothers’ constant grouchy attitude.
No matter what he said, I knew it was because of my attack that he broke up with Caroline and followed my parents and me to New Orleans. Fate had brought Caroline and Josh to our little gym and now she was holding the evidence of their love in her arms.
I would have told her all those years ago if I knew it would bring them back together. My shame over what happened couldn’t measure up to the need they had for each other. I meant what I told Andrew all those months ago:
“Sometimes people need to bear their greatest humiliation in order to help another heal.”
Once I told Caroline and Josh a little bit of what happened, I felt better. When Josh not only didn’t run but wanted to get to know me better, I realized he may be one of the rare gentlemen left today. From his outward appearance, all you see are muscles and tattoos. From getting to know him, and from what Caroline and Maddie have told me, Josh is one of the most empathetic people I’ve ever met and his ability to bring calm and tranquility to a person is second to none.
“Hey, Emily? Can you come here for a minute and explain this to me, please?” I heard Andrew ask from the dining room, and I realized in my haste to greet them I forgot to close my laptop. The real estate ad for the one-bedroom was still pulled up and Andrew was looking at it with a scowl on his face.
I didn’t want to argue with him, especially on the day he brings his new daughter home, but I wasn’t backing down on my decision to move out and give the new family the space they deserved. Caroline gave me a quizzical look as I made my way into the dining room.
I smiled my usual fake smile, shook my head, and made my way to the seat next to Andrew who was scrolling through the ad. I could feel the tension emanating from him, and I needed him to calm down before he upset Caroline and the baby.
In a low, gruff tone, without taking his eyes off of the screen asked, “What is this? I thought we decided you weren’t moving out.”
“No, Andrew. You decided that for me without listening to what I wanted. You three need the space, and I need to adapt to the changes that life gives us. Lillian needs her own room and you need to live your life without constantly worrying about me. I promise I’ll be okay.” I reasoned with him. “Look, this place is within my price range, is close to campus, and fully furnished. All I need to do is move my bed and dresser and I can get out of your hair.”
He looked at me with unshed tears in his eyes, and I felt the familiar urge to change my mind to make him happy. I had to stand firm on my decision to give them space and not be swayed by the overwhelming need I had to have someone close to me. I had to learn to depend on myself.
“I don’t…” he cleared his throat and started again, “I don’t want you to move. I know how much you love it here and I want you to stay. Please.”
“Andrew, you need to tell her what you really mean by that.” Neither one of us realized Caroline had been standing there listening to the conversation we were having.
“Andrew?” I looked at him with confusion evident on my face, “What do you really mean?”
Blowing out a breath he stood up and motioned for us to go to the living room so we could be closer to Lillian as she slept in her bassinet.
“I know how much you love this apartment and with the security system that this place has, I like this as the best option for you to live.”
