‘To see if you’d hurt me enough? Or maybe to see if I can actually survive without you maybe? Yeah, well you have, and I can, so you can go home now.’ She turned and began to pick up speed once more.
What the f—?‘Star, please. I just want to talk.’ I jogged until I was level with her.
‘Oh, so now you want to talk? Writing not good enough any more, huh?’
Confusion clouded my mind. She was the one into letter writing. I’d never favoured it as a way of communication. ‘Writing’s okay for some things, yes. But not for this.’
She stopped again and turned to face me. Her eyes were red and tears trailed down her cheeks. ‘Fin, please leave. It’s over. Okay? We didn’t work. I get it. I wish you and your folks all the best in your newly re-established relationship. I’m glad you worked it out and you got your damn job back in the family firm, okay? I have to admit to being very surprised at that part but…’Huh?She held her hand up and a cab stopped. She quickly opened the door and climbed in. ‘I wish you all well, Fin. I really do.’ And with her parting words, the cab whisked her away.
‘Star! What do you mean? Star!’
51
Star
I closed the door to my apartment, leaned against it, and slid down until I hit the floor with my ass. What the hell was he thinking? Why would he come here? To rub salt in my wounds? Was he some sick kind of monster that got pleasure out of hurting his ex-girlfriends?
Bastard.
I’d been doing okay. Well, maybe okay was pushing it a little. Maybe a little too optimistic, but I’d been getting by. And then he had to show up in New York and knock me back to square one. Why? I just didn’t get it.
I leaned my head on my knees and sobbed. My heart ached with a kind of homesickness I had never experienced before. And the awful fact was that I wasn’t homesick for my parents’ home. I was homesick for Edinburgh. I missed my grandma and Alec. I missed the fun times at DeBasement. I missed the Scott Monument, the castle, the trams, Princes Street Gardens. I missed every little thing about it.
After everything Fin said in his letter, and after he worked things out with his folks, why would he show up here? Why was he willing to go against their wishes so soon? Was he missing the rebellious streak he discovered in his temporary relationship with me? Was he bored with the money and prestige again already? The question rolled around in my mind. But the fact was, I wasn’t willing to be an exciting distraction for him again. I deserved someone who loved me for me. But then again, what if he’d realised he’d made a mistake in losing me? This whole thing was driving me insane. And tough shit. He had lost me. Nothing could change how small and insignificant he had made me feel simply by telling his father he loved him too. That simple phrase, whilst it should have meant something wonderful, actually meant I had been easily cast aside and it was shitty that Fin had found a conscience after hurting me so much, but that was his problem. And that damn letter, urgh! I couldn’t afford to let hope spring to life inside me. How could I trust him again, even if he had realised it was me he wanted after all?
My head began to throb, and I had the urge to call Alec. It would be seven o’clock in Edinburgh, and Alec would no doubt be in the shower or out for a run. But on the off chance I would catch him, I dragged myself up from the floor and grabbed my cell.
‘Twinkle! How are you, babes?’ Seeing Alec’s smiling face was my undoing once again, and I began to sob uncontrollably.
52
Fin
Home.
Not where I had hoped nor expected to be so soon after my trip to New York.
Sadly, it had turned out that Star had no intention of listening to me. I had visited the gallery over the few days that followed but she was either out or pretended to be so, making Zara pass on the news. After a week I had admitted defeat and returned to Edinburgh, complete with my broken heart. The callous letter she’d sent really had marked the end.
So much time had passed, and I was still walking around in a dumbstruck trance. Another Sunday rolled around, and I decided to get some much-needed fresh November air. After walking absentmindedly for what seemed like hours, I found myself in Calton Old Burial Ground. I glanced around in a bewildered daze, unable to remember how I’d ended up there of all places, and the first flurry of a snow shower began to dance about me. It wasn’t going to last, but I smiled as I imagined Star standing there with me, head back, tongue out, allowing snowflakes to settle and melt on her tongue. She’d told me she loved Edinburgh in the winter.
For me, everywhere was a little duller. A little less vibrant. Star brightened everything. Brought everything to life. Her colourful character and happy nature had, for a short time, made everything seem wonderful.
She had changed me. I had temporarily become a happier, more colourful, more adventurous person. The newest feature to my skin had been a part of the memory I had of what true happiness felt like.
But the absence of her from my life now had turned a once multi-hued palette into monotonous grey and brown.
* * *
After my trip, I had cut short my so-called vacation, figuring that work was what I needed. Hetty had been in constant contact, checking on me and my mental state. At least she cared. My brother and Tori kept insisting on having me round for dinner. Charlotte was a delight and watching my niece change as she grew was wonderful. But I knew what they were doing. They were on some kind of ‘keep Fin sane’ watch. And since my return, Alasdair had made regular appearances in my office under the guise that he needed information on some case or other. I knew he too was checking up on me and my emotional state. It was great knowing he cared. It was more than my father had bothered to do. And the offer of assistance with the Inveresk cottages had turned out to be a pile of bullshit. Alasdair had informed me on my first day back that he had been considering the case in detail, and it was tightly sealed and free of any supposed loophole. My father had blatantly lied to me in the hope that he could steal me back from McKendrick. No doubt with a view to fire me once again if I returned to the family company. His way of teaching me a valuable lesson.
My mother had made several attempts to contact me, but I refused to give her any response. I had resolved with myself the fact that my parents were toxic. And as awful as it was to admit that about one’s own flesh and blood, it was the truth. I couldn’t understand her tenacity, however. But the calls continued, and I continued to ignore them.
Luckily, Alasdair had thrown me right in at the deep end with another small fish takes on big fish case, and I was chin deep in files and research. I had a cold cup of coffee on my desk and a half-eaten BLT that Fiona had insisted on getting for me.
The intercom on my desk buzzed, and I reached out to hit the button. ‘Yes, Fiona?’
‘I’m so sorry, Fin. I couldn’t stop her. She said it was vital that she saw you and—’
