Lyle sat silently for a moment. At first, his wide eyes were fixed on her. Then they were fixed on his glass, but his mouth remained a perfect O.
That’s done it, she thought,game over. ‘Maybe it would’ve been best on this occasion if the girls had talked about the matter first, eh?’ She laughed as her stomach knotted.
His eyes widened further. ‘Oh, you’re serious? That’s actually how it happened? Sorry I was waiting for the punchline.’ He closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘God, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean… It was just a shock. It’s just not something you hear every day, is it? I mean, you do for infertile people and such, but… That’s not to say… I mean, I don’t—’
She rested her hand on his arm. ‘Lyle, if you’d rather call time on the evening I understand. Some people feel less than happy about the choice I made. Especially people who’ve had children the “normal” way.’ She hated that she had just made air quotes and wanted to slap herself.
He frowned and shook his head again. ‘No… no, I don’t want to do that. Who am I to judge? I just… I don’t really know what to say.’
She shrugged. ‘You don’t have to say anything. It’s not really a discussion topic, seeing as it happened over twelve years ago. I’m happy with what I did, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.’
His brow lifted. ‘Oh god, absolutely. No, you did what was right for you and that’s… that’s good. Does she know?’
Caitlin smiled. ‘Of course, she knows. She’s always known. She doesn’t go around broadcasting it because it’s no one else’s business. She chooses to keep it to just us. You know how cruel kids can be, and although she is absolutely fine with it, she understands that not everyone else will be.’
‘Oh… right. I see. Cora has never said anything.’
Caitlin shrugged. ‘No, as I said, it’s not something that Grace feels the need to tell people. It’d be like Cora discussing the very personal details of your divorce, I suppose. It doesn’t have an impact on their friendship, so…’
‘But…’ He scowled again. ‘Don’t you ever worry about her getting ill and needing something that perhaps only her father could give? I mean… things like bone marrow and organs are hard to match for and it’s not necessarily a case that both parents are…’ He shook his head and held up a hand. ‘Forgive me. I’ve blurted again. It’s not like me, honestly. This is none of my business.’
Caitlin had hoped Lyle wouldn’t be someone to ask those questions. She’d hoped he would accept the truth of it and move on. She’d had to explain herself and her choices twice in the space of a week now and had received two distinctly different reactions. She only wished they had been swapped around so that Lyle was the one who had been non-judgemental. Because even though he said he wasn’t, she could see something had shifted in his eyes. The fact that he was avoiding eye contact disappointed her.
She inhaled a calming breath. ‘It’s something I have thought about. But I try not to worry about what might happen and I focus on the bright, funny, loving girl I have in my life thanks to someone’s generosity. I’m grateful to the man, whoever he is. But Grace and I do just fine.’
He nodded emphatically. ‘Yes… of course. I’m sure you do. I just… I suppose the whole family unit thing has always been my norm.’
A little perturbed by his words, Caitlin felt defensive. ‘Grace and I are a family unit,’ she replied flatly.
This time, he held up both of his hands. ‘Yes, of course you are. I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise.’
A heavy cloud had descended on them, and Caitlin was almost ready to give up and go home.
Lyle eventually spoke again. ‘Look, I’m sorry about the way I reacted. I really do like you, and I don’t have to agree with all your life choices, just like you don’t have to agree with all of mine. Can we maybe just… I don’t know… start over?’
The fact that he admitted that he didn’t agree with her choice to have Grace in a non-standard way hurt rather a lot more than she’d hoped. She’d never been one to be affected by people’s opinions of her decision and she certainly didn’t want to start now. But, in truth, this was partly why she had avoided dating for so long; the inherent fear of rejection over something she did for herself that made her the happiest woman alive. She had lost her own mother for a time over it, but she had held fast and stood her ground. She reminded herself again that she wasn’t in the slightest bit ashamed or regretful of what she had done. She only wished others were as understanding. Especially the man she’d had a glimpse of a future with.
She sighed. ‘Do you really want to start over? Or has this just put a spanner in the works?’
He paused as if choosing his words carefully and lifted his chin to look directly into her eyes. ‘I want to start over. I was just taken aback, that’s all. I expected the whole we’re divorced or I’m a widow kind of conversation. But I have no right to judge you. I’m sorry if my reaction made you think that I feel negatively about what you did. I mean, it’s in the past.’ He paused, but she sensed he hadn’t finished. ‘I mean, I once cheated on a girlfriend when I was twenty, but I wouldn’t expect you to hold that against me.’ He laughed, but Caitlin was rather confused and irked by the comparison. And unlike his cheating, she would happily make her decision all over again. Lyle continued, ‘Anyway, let’s just move on, eh? Let’s talk about something else.’
Caitlin couldn’t help feeling that the relationship was already a non-starter and it angered her that this was the reason. She gritted her teeth, however, as she was aware she could be overly sensitive and defensive sometimes when she talked about this topic. She decided that perhaps she had made things more awkward than they should have been. ‘Yes, let’s talk about something else,’ she replied before taking another huge gulp of her drink.
10
Caitlin wasn’t really sure what to talk about now. Her mind was swamped with the idea that Lyle had turned out to potentially be one of those people who disagreed with her decision to have Grace by a donor. And as much as she couldn’t expect everyone to agree, or accept the facts as they stood, she had sincerely hoped he would.
But she liked him and wanted to give them a chance. Perhaps it wouldn’t matter in the great scheme of things? After all, he clearly liked Grace.
‘So, how is the world of accounting these days?’ she asked.
‘Oh, you know, as exciting as it sounds.’ He gave an awkward laugh. ‘Although I’ve the big honcho coming over the week after next from Canada. He has friends in Clachan, so he’s staying there, but I’m meeting him in Fort William on the Monday.’
‘Wow, I didn’t realise you worked for a Canadian company.’
‘Aye, they set up over here a few years ago. I was working on the mainland, but this job meant I could work from home and that became invaluable when I got divorced.’
‘There’s a lot to be said for working from home,’ Caitlin agreed.
