“Lemmon always acted like the sweet Southern belle when in the public eye, and she was kind to Ryder from what I could see growing up. When they got married, it seemed like an odd relationship, but I tried not to worry myself too much with it because he wasn’t mineanymore?—”
“I’vealwaysbeen yours, Lola,” Ryder interjects, and I can’t help but roll my eyes at him.
“Okay, Ry, not the point,” I say with a laugh, moving on. “I pretended it didn’t bother me as much as it did, but Lemmon was always downright cruel from the very first day I met her. She’d kick dirt at me, push me into puddles of water, or trip me in mud. She’d call me names but say it in that sickeningly sweet way of hers that made me feel like she thought I was stupid and wouldn’t notice. And as we got older and she became more and more jealous of my relationship with Ryder, she’d make threats about having her daddy get me kicked out of school. It was one thing after another with her, and I was exhausted, so when I found him confiding in her in the way I’d been desperate for him to after Logan’s death, it felt like she’d finally won.”
“And you resent her for her actions during your formative years?”
“I don’t resent her for that, no. I feel pity for her because her father was kind but not around enough, and it’s no secret her mother left when she was five. I think she had her sights set on Ryder, and I was in the way of that, so she bullied me, hoping she wouldn’t feel so small anymore. What I resent her for is hurting him when she finally got him.” I look up to find Ryder already staring at me with tear-filled eyes, and it’s like a punch to the gut. I love him, painfully so, and I hate Lemmon more with each passing moment. “Every time I came home to visit, she made a point of running into me for that reason alone, and my visits home became fewer and farther between as a result. I resent her for conditioning me to believe this place was no longer my home, for making the most incredible man I know feel like he’s less than amazing.”
“It sounds like you’ve both experienced some very difficult things in your formative years, and while you might have some regrets about how you went about things, I get the senseyou’re both well on your way to working through those struggles and doing thattogether.”
“I appreciate you suggesting this today, Talia. I think we would have gotten here on our own eventually, but having your guidance has been really helpful. If Lola is okay with it, and if you have time in your schedule for us, I’d really like to have these sessions periodically,” Ryder tells us.
“I think so too. I’ve always felt safe with you, and I know I can tell you anything, but therapy has been great at pulling things out of me that I hadn’t noticed I was bottling up at all.” I aim my words at Ryder so he can feel my sincerity and heal from that too. I never want him to think I don’t trust him implicitly.
“I’d love to have you both work with me. I appreciate the time you took to really dig into your pasts. Do Thursday evenings work for you both? Eventually, I’m sure you’ll get to a place where you’ll want to see me less frequently, but I still suggest checking in every few months once you’re in a good spot so you can refresh the tools,” she says.
“That sounds good to me.”
We end the call after a few more minutes of working out logistics, and Ryder puts my computer away, pulling me into his lap to nuzzle against my neck.
“Do you ever feel guilty for leaving Lemmon?”
He kisses the side of my neck and pulls away to meet my gaze. “I don’t. I feel guilty for other reasons though.”
“Like what?”
“For not leaving sooner when I realized we were doomed. For not chasing after you. For missing out on years of loving you the way you deserve. Fornotfeeling guilty about leaving Lemmon.”
I cup his cheeks, his stubble scraping my smooth palms. “You can’t change the past, Ry. She was manipulating you, and if you tried to chase me, I would probably have kept onrunning. We were so young, we can’t say what we would have done because we don’t know. Who’s to say we would have been capable of loving each other the way we deserve? Neither of us knew any better, and I think it took years of being unhappy in other relationships for either of us to truly grapple with an understanding of what we wanted. You don’t know what you don’t know.”
He places his hands over mine, warming my chilled skin.Thisfeels right. Everything about this moment feels so uniquelyus.Opening up, sharing our fears, not hiding from our pasts.
“Besides, the only thing keeping me from diving headfirst into thisfakemarriage is the guilt I’ve felt for leaving Russ, running straight into your arms, and not looking back. I haven’t missed him for a single second, and I feel guilty about that too.”
“Let’s make a promise then, darlin’.”
I quirk a brow. “What kind of promise?”
“I promise to not allow guilt to keep me from the things I love and want most if you won’t.” His voice rings with such finality I find myself nodding along with him.
“Okay. Pinky promise,” I say, dropping my palms from his face as he does the same. I hold out my pinky, and he grabs onto it with his.
“I, Ryder Maddox Lockhart, promise to never let the guilt of the past keep me from the beauty of the future,” he says.
“And I, Lola Lima, promise to remind myself there’s nothing to feel guilty for in the first place, and to instead allow myself the joy and love of those willing to offer it.” His smile matches mine, and it sends a beam of light straight through to my soul.
“Good. Then you shouldn’t have any problems letting your husband be big spoon tonight, right?” he asks, standing from the couch with me in his grasp, pulling meagainst his body. He carries us to bed, tickling me as he does. Nugget follows behind us, barking at my laughter.
Allowing myself to be loved feels so much better than I could have imagined.
Chapter Fifty
JITTER BUG
FRIDAY, JUNE 20
I feel nauseous,just moments from hyperventilating, as I stand here, gripping the edge of the sink.
