They convinced us all to join them for next month's book club, and I’m looking forward to it.
Ryder strides into the living room clad in a pair of Wranglers and a button-down short sleeve tucked into the waistband, and my anxiety flees the premises. “Ry, what are you wearing?” I ask, trying to contain my laughter. He sets me at ease without trying.
He looks down at himself, swiping a hand over the tortoise shell buttons running the length of his chest and abs. “What? This old thing?” His smirk has my shoulders relaxing from the built-up tension I’ve felt working its way into my muscles all day. “Darlin’, my momma would kill me if she thought I’d shown up to any appointment dressed in less than this.”
“We’reat home. It’s supposed to be a comfortable environment,” I explain, knowing it’s futile.
“And Iamcomfortable.” He sits down beside me and pulls my legs across his lap, balancing my laptop over my thighs. “See? Now, I’m extra comfy.” His wide grin reflects just how true that is.
“If you say so.” I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve got thick thighs or what, but jeans are the furthest thing from what I’d consider cozy.
I log into the website and wait for it to tell me the host will let us in before uncovering the camera.
Talia’s bright smile fills the screen, and she greets us with a warmth that has me settling further into the couch cushions.
“Good evening, you two. It’s nice to meet you, Ryder,” she says.
“It’s very nice to meet you too, ma’am,” Ryder tells her, laying it on thick with the “ma’am.” It’s a word I never foundswoon-worthy, but I’m ready to drop my panties at the sound of it slipping past this man’s lips.
We get started by setting some expectations for the meeting. “We have about an hour, though if we’re in a really good place, you’re my last session of the day, so I don’t mind continuing a little past that. No pressure. We’ll see where this takes us, okay?”
“Sounds good,” I agree, and Ryder nods enthusiastically.
“Great. So, from my understanding of the questionnaire I had you each fill out, it sounds like you’ve known each other for a very long time, both of you have expressed feeling very comfortable with the other person, which is wonderful, but you’ve also expressed some concerns.” She pauses in a silent display of understanding, giving us a chance to interject if anything sounds incorrect. “The main concern sounds like you were both in long-term relationships prior to your marriage, and neither of you ever felt loved in the way you deserved by those people. You’re very newly married, and Lola,” she turns her attention to me, “you mentioned that while you don’t feel like your ex ever deserved you and you don’t have any positive feelings left toward him, you feel like you should. Could you explain that further if you feel comfortable?”
I nod, pausing for a moment to gather my thoughts. I’ve gone to therapy before and found it very helpful, but when I turned twenty-five and no longer had insurance under my parents’ policy, I quit going and felt pretty well equipped to stop. After years of Russ beating me down, though, this is definitely a necessary step. When I feel like I’m ready, I look to Ryder, who gives me a reassuring smile and squeezes my knee.
“When I first started dating Russ, I was in a really weird mental space. I had been away from my friends and family for a long time, and I was still trying to find my footing. He sort of swooped in at a vulnerable time and encouraged me to pursue my passion for dance. It was something I’d known I wanted to do, but I was also terrified wouldbe a mistake.” I take a breath, tugging on the sleeve of my shirt to cover my arms as a chill races through me, recalling those first few months with my ex.
“I think deep down, I knew my family wasn’t bluffing when they said they’d support me in anything I wanted to do.” My brows pinch together, and I suck my bottom lip between my teeth before continuing. “I was born in Cuba, and I was really young when we moved here. I’d seen my parents struggle financially, and when we moved here, that changed, but it wasn’t without a lot of hard work.” I hadn’t realized how tough our lives in Cuba were until I was old enough to reflect on it. My parents had always done such an incredible job of maintaining joy in our home despite the lack of access to even the most basic medications, the constant power outages, and extreme poverty. Memories of the days and nights after moving here resurface; they’d spent many years learning how to care for the horses and other animals, working late hours, and celebrating a long week with a massive family dinner on Fridays. “Rosa Ranch has grown a ton since we first arrived. It used to be Ryder’s parents, mine, and Mayte’s, plus three other ranch hands and their families. Now, the ranch has five times that many employees and is making better money than they had at the start.”
Talia nods her understanding. “My parents eventually found their rhythm here, and so did I, but I worried that by not having a corporate job, I wouldn’t have the financial stability my parents always wanted for me. Then, when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis shortly after getting engaged to Russ, it felt like all my biggest fears were coming true. I didn’t have access to adequate healthcare, and this man who had made me believe he was my biggest cheerleader turned out to be a fraud.”
Ryder remains silent, listening to a part of the story I’d never told him before. I’m realizing now that might have beenout of embarrassment, but the methodical circles he rubs along the pulse point in my wrist ease my discomfort.
Talia nods. “Now, you mentioned your ex turned out to be a fraud. Could you expand on that?”
I blow out a breath, forcing my rigid posture to relax. “At the beginning of our relationship, he showed up to all my dance lessons and came to a few recitals. But as his startup grew, things changed for the worse. He had never been good about communication in the first place, but it was like that very first day we met was the most open he was ever willing to be with me. As it became harder for me to find a job with a stable income, he shut down further. He changed his tune completely as soon as he proposed, and I foolishly agreed. Instead of supporting me, I never saw him, and on the rare occasions I did, he would make me feel so small.” A tear slips down my cheek that Ryder swipes away with the pad of his thumb, his warmth giving me the courage to continue digging into something I hadn’t realized was bothering me so much.
“I tried to look for the good in him, but eventually, I came up so short, I stopped looking at all. When I’d had enough and tried to leave him, he brought up my health. He used my diagnosis against me and continually reminded me I needed his health insurance to do the things I loved so much, the things he now despised.”
I hear a low sound rumble from Ryder, his jaw locked as I glance over at him. I finish by adding, “I’d never been in love with Russ. I don’t think I everlovedRuss, but I was so afraid of having to start over again and not having the chance to feel whole again, I quit trying to leave him. It wasn’t until my friends took me away for my bachelorette weekend, ready to blindside me with an intervention, that I realized how much of myself had died with Russ.”
“That’s very good, Lola. I’m so proud of the incredible progress you’re making already.”
“Yeah,” I admit, wiping my tearsaway. I choke out a watery laugh and take a deep breath, my lungs expanding fully for the first time tonight.
“I’m proud of you too, Lols. Thank you for sharing that with us,” Ryder tells me quietly, gathering my hands in his.
“And Ryder, how did hearing all of that make you feel?” Talia asks.
He releases a short laugh that holds absolutely no humor. “Honestly? I’m not sure you really want to hear what I’m thinking.”
I already have an idea of what’s going through his mind right now, and it’s nothing but a murderous rampage.
Talia smiles, tamping down the laugh I know is trying to come to the forefront, but she has a good poker face and plays it off as a cough. “Tell me what’s on your mind, no matter how colorful the language you’d like to use.”
Ryder shakes his head. “No, ma’am. I try not to cuss much, but what I will say is that Russ never deserved Lola. I can’t say if it was money, or maybe his family, or if he was always a horrific person, but unlike him, I plan to put in ten times the effort I had the day before, every day, for the rest of our lives to make sure Lola is happy, cared for, and feels safe to pursue her passions the way she should have always felt comfortable to.”
