He bent down to try to kiss me, and I slinked under his hold and stepped away. I laughed awkwardly and placed my hair behind my ear. He tapped his hand on the roof of the car.
“I’m, I’m sorry,” I said, turning away.
“It’s cool, Dyami.” I heard his steps come closer, and I panicked. I circled back around him to the car. I was so embarrassed. He turned to me and stilled his feet. This wasn’t the first time that Marcos tried to kiss me. But it was the first time that I wanted to. I really wanted to. I felt foreign in my own body. So many different feelings firing that I had never felt before.
“I’m acting crazy. You should be with a girl who wants the same thing that you want.” I said with my back to the passenger door.
“The only one I’m interested in is you. I can wait.” He eased next to me, and I heard the flick of his lighter. The blunt he lit illuminated in the night sky. He took a few pulls before he offered it to me. I took a few baby puffs, and by the third one, I was laughing and silly.
It was the most comfortable I could remember being. Smelling like old McDonald's, in a vacant parking lot, was an escape I never thought I would have or need. My fear was ever losing it and finding out he was just like everyone else.
“You are a safe place I never want to ruin. You are all I have, Marcos.”
“Ruin? The way I see it, it can only get better.” He affirmed.
“Marcos.” I dragged his name out.
“I hear you.”
“It’s late. I should get home.”
“I got you.”
The ride back to my place was dangerously quiet. I hadn’t thought about the fact that it was after midnight, and I had been off for two hours. I didn’t have the type of mother who would punish me for breaking curfew. I didn’t have one. I didn’t even have rules. What I did have was a mother who would talk shit to me. She would accuse me of fucking every boy she saw sniffing around me, even though I was a virgin. That’s why I couldn’t ruin what I had with Marcos. With him, it was no pressure, and I hoped like hell my actions tonight didn’t do that.
“I like you, Dyami. I can tell you like me.” Marcos pressed again. I looked at him as we rode through the night. He was so handsome, and this car would put him in a different realm with the girls around here.
“As a friend. I’m not ready for the things you are ready for.” I looked out the window, unsure of how to fully express my feelings.
“What am I ready for?” He asked. I didn’t have a response. We didn’t say another word until he pulled into my driveway.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said as the car stopped. I tried to get out of the car as fast as I could, but his hand on my wrist stopped me.
“Dyami, it's cool.” He looked at me squarely.
I nodded and scurried inside. He said it was cool, but for how long? I cried my eyes out all night. You couldn’t have told me I would ever see Marcos again. I mean, he was the finest boy in my school. He had money, and now he had a car? Girls were already after him, and now that would only intensify the situation. It was only a matter of time before I was a memory. His new girlfriend wouldn’t be too thrilled with him being around me all the time. I just knew I didn’t want to do something I wasn’t ready for. College was my way out. I had to focus on that, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.
My pillow filled with tears, and my heart broke all night. The very next day, I dragged myself to work and planned on catching the bus home, only to see him waiting outside for me. He did it every day without us exchanging as much as a kiss. He was everything to me. My best friend and the only person I could lean on. Since I was working and my financial needs weren’t as great, my desire for his personal comfort increased.
Then, it all came crashing down in the blink of an eye.
Months later, I saw Marcos pull into my driveway. I ran downstairs, skipping steps two at a time.
“Where the hell are you going?” I heard my mother’s voice, but I didn’t respond. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house.
“Dyami Denise, I know you hear me talking to you.” She opened the screen door as soon as my feet hit the pavement. “Oh, I see you hot in the ass about that boy.”
“We are just going to the mall.” It was the quickest lie I could come up with. I never knew what Marcos and I would do when he picked me up. Most of the time, we would ride out and grab something to eat. It was summer break before our senior year, and sitting at home around my mother was not the move.She just found ways to insult me, annoy me, and throw Trina at me to babysit and literally do everything for.
“Mall, my ass.” She huffed.
“I’ll be back soon.”
“Humph. Well, I hope you're getting some money the way you chase behind that boy. I’m going out tonight, so you need to be back by 10 to watch Trina.”
She walked back inside. She had thinned out over the last few weeks, and I was already fearing the worst. I needed her to get through these next few years because I swear, I was fucking gone. My GPA was perfect, and I was already looking at colleges out of state.
“I can’t stand her ass!” I said as I hopped in Marcos’ car and slammed the door. I folded my arms across my chest and looked forward.
