“Right.” I dismissed her. It’s crazy that I was used to it. I developed a thick skin to her, and I just blamed it on drugs as I got older. I knew there was something else going on, but I couldn't see anything that would justify her speaking to her daughter that way.
I just passed her up and went into the house. When I walked in, the house was a mess, as usual, and my sister, Trina, was nowhere to be found. I looked in her room and found a pretty homecoming dress hanging in her closet. That made me dial Trina immediately. I hadn’t told her yet because I wanted to see how her report card came in. I was going to take her shopping this weekend. I wouldn’t threaten that she couldn’t go, but she was going to hear my mouth the whole way if her grades weren’t straight. I knew Momma didn’t buy it.
“Hey sis, I’m not home,” Trina answered brightly.
“I know that because I’m here. Where did you get the money to get this dress?” I asked, and she paused.
“I know you hear me.”
“Okay, Dyami, you ain’t my mom. Damn!” She snapped, and I pulled the phone back from my ear.
“Hold up, Trina, who are you talking to?”
“I’m grown and I been taking care of myself.”
“Trina, you are not grown! Where did you get the money for this dress?” I pulled the pretty blue dress out of the closet, and my eyes doubled at the price tag. It was $500.
“Somebody I am seeing. You happy now?” She said with a whole attitude.
“What teenage boy has $500 for a dress. Trina, did you steal this?”
“Steal? I told you the truth, and you still don’t believe me?” She hung up in my face. I sat on her bed, floored. What the hell was going on with her? I didn’t bother to call. I sent a text, and it bounced back. She had blocked me.
I needed some answers, and even though I dreaded it, I had to talk to my mother about this. I would do that after everything else was finished. I started cleaning, following my routine, but then I tried to turn on the water and found it was off. I was pissed. Nope, not today. I was cutting it off. No more money. Trina needed to stay with me, and that was final. I was tired of constantly giving money to keep the utilities on. I marched right outside and saw my mom on her way out of the yard.
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” I yelled. She snapped her neck back and stared daggers at me. There wasn’t an ounce of love in her eyes.
“Who the fuck are you yelling at?”
“Momma, the water is off.” I tried to be more passive.
“What you think I don’t know that. You're the one with the money, why don’t you pay Ms. Ritzy bitch!” she spat.
“I shouldn’t have to! You are a mother, so why not act like one? Where is Trina? Did you see that expensive dress in her closet? Where did she get the money for that?”
“Who the hell you think you talking to? I AM a mother. I sacrificed everything for you little bitches, and I have my own life to live. You survived, didn’t you? You survived long enough to be the hoe you are and get a car out of the deal, didn’t you?”
I was doing my best to bite my tongue, but she was pushing me to my limit. She was impossible to talk to. I didn’t know how to help her, nor did I know if she wanted help. What I did know was that Trina didn’t deserve this, and I was praying she wasn’t making the wrong decisions to cope with it.
“Momma, you need to get yourself together. Do you really want to keep living like this? Something is going on with Trina! You need to pay attention!”
“Fuck you, Dyami! You ain’t gone lecture me when I lived more life than yo’ little dumb ass. What? You think you're doing something because you got yourself a new man? What is going to happen when he gets tired of your raggedy ass, just like Jay did, and goes running home to his wife? Oh, you didn’t know that your man Jay was married with a family? Now, who is the dumb one?”
“You are lying.” I was so caught off guard.
“Nah, baby, I ain’t. Go right down Clairmont Street and you’ll see they all live in a white house. He be outside playing with that bitch and all his kids. Then once they all go to sleep, he moseys on down to yo’ house and use yo’ dumb ass for the only thing you good for. So, while you're trying to look down on me, check your own shit, little girl.” She said with a wicked smile.
I couldn’t talk. It wasn’t hard to believe, but why would she know all this and not tell me? She was my mother. She was supposed to look out for me. Instead, she let me go blindly into a situation that she knew I had no clue about. She just didn’t give a fuck about me, and every time I turned around, she slapped me in the face with it. I felt my pulse in my head beating rapidly.
“You are a real deal piece of shit,” was all I could form after a few minutes of her smiling at me while she hit me with a dagger.
“Oh, girl, please, you will get over it. Now, if you really want to help me, why don’t you go in that new bag of yours and give me some money?”
I looked at her like she had lost her damn mind. She was going to treat me like that and expect me to give her money. I wasn’t giving her shit. I turned to walk to my car, and she snatched my purse from my shoulder, and I tugged it back, causing her frail body to tumble on the grass.
“Really, after all that you just said to me, you're really going to try to steal my fucking money after I said no. You got me fucked up! Momma or not!” I spat, standing over her. “Since you need it so fucking bad, do whatever you gotta do to get it, and you don’t have to worry about me ever a fucking again. I’m done, Momma, I am done! I’ll take care of Trina, and you leave us both the fuck alone!” I said, walking to my car again, but I had to turn around because I had more to say. “Out of all these years, you never had one nice word to say to me. I come around and I pay for whatever. I do everything I can. I paid for rehab three times, Momma. THREE DAMN TIMES!!! You still never said thank you. You would think that you would try a little harder with your life for the sake of your children. But I tell you one thing, Trina won’t end up like you, and I won’t either. I’m going to find her and take her out of here and make sure she has a good life and makes something of herself. Don’t call me for shit! Since it’s your only joy to make me feel like shit, I hope you have enough memories to keep you smiling, because this is the last time you will get the satisfaction. Fuck you!”
Finally feeling like I'd spoken my peace, I got in my car and peeled out. The fucking betrayal was unreal. I was so fucking hurt I couldn’t even put it into words. I wanted to call Marcos, but I couldn’t even get down the street before the tears started to blur my vision.
