He cupped my face and cut me off, his dark eyes narrowing. “You don’t need to apologize to me about a nightmare. You just need to let me make sure you know you are safe – if anyone’s sorry it’s me, I shouldn’t have left you alone when I know better.”
A glance at the clock on the wall showed me he hadn’t even been gone an hour – it wasn’t even double figures in the morning yet and I really should have been able to have lasted on my own. But there was one tiny issue I had…
“I don’t feel safe. I haven’t in years since those men hurt me and made me kill my mama.” The words slipped out without much thought. “Even when I feel like I could one day be safe again, something comes back to taint it. Something reminds me why I will never be truly okay. All this shit lately has done the same thing and my brain does not feel right.”
For some reason, despite not being any worse than any nightmare I’d had before, the box in my brain that held all the bad things at bay opened. The lid cracked just enough that words kept coming off my tongue in a tidal wave of bullshit I couldn’t control.
“I didn’t have a childhood.” Logan continued to stare at me as the tears that had burned my eyes fell down my cheeks and my voice kept going. “Everything since that night with my mama has been about making me stronger – making me normal again. But I can’t be normal. I don’t know what normal is.”
I loved my daddy and didn’t think for even a moment that I regretted what he had taught me and how he had raised me. It wasn’t his fault that I needed to learn how to be a Montana so young – he had no choice but to show me how to control my anger and trauma into something far better than the things my uncle liked to use.
Beau was drunk most days, even now. He had a temper that was barely restrained, and he hated women – hated them so much that he was in his mid-thirties before he could even tolerate being kind to a woman other than me. And whilst I didn’t judge him for his choices, or love him any less for how he coped with his issues, I knew that it wasn’t healthy. I knew my daddy hadn’t wanted me to go the same way.
But for some reason a small piece of me hated that – hated that I had no choice but to become the person I was today.
“I kill people and do almost every crime known to man. There are so many people terrified of my surname and what Icould do to them, even though I have never met them. And most times I am happy with this – most times I like the power and the thrill of my life.” The back of my hand harshly wiped against my face when Logan sat back, pulling the blankets aside so he could snuggle me underneath them and we could lie together.
“But?” He said. “It sounds like there is a but at the end of that.”
“But sometimes I want to be justSapphire. I want to be a girl without worry, not a gang leader who hurts in ways that will never heal. I want to be free of burdens of my life even just for a second so that I do not spend so much time hurting inside.”
Logan linked his fingers through mine.
“You can be whoever you want to be. If that means giving up with the Red Diamonds, then you can. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do and if, at any point in your life, you want to tap out and do something else, then you know we’ll all follow you. We will all do whatever you want to do.” He promised. “I love you enough to know that your vengeance is everything to you, and that I will happily help you get it any way I can. But I also care about you enough to know that if you ever need to stop, then I will help you do that too. I don’t care what it is you do in life, Saph, so long as it makes you happy.”
As much as I loved hearing his words, the fact he was so right made the tears fall harder. Just as he had said, I would never give up my vengeance. It meant too much to me and I was in too deep to stop until the end of my battle. But at the same time, knowing that I was dragging so many people into my life and battles made another part of my heart exceptionally terrified.
It wasn’t a case of guilt at anything happening to them.
It was the knowledge that I couldn’t live without them – I wouldn’t.
“I love you, Logan. I love you so fucking much that it hurts and sometimes I cannot breathe right because I know I am a danger. And I know that the only reason you would be harmed is because of me and this… this makes me feel horrible inside. But no matter how many times I think to stop, and to let you all go and be safe, I cannot do it. And not just because you are willing to stay, but because I could not do it without you all.”
“No.” He shook his head and squeezed my hand harder. “That’s not true, pretty girl. We could be in danger without you – there are no promises in life. So whilst I appreciate your concern, it isn’t needed.”
“But-”
“But nothing. My dad, Price’s parents – they weren’t powerful or gangsters on a mission like with your dad or Mal. They were all doing normal things in their normal lives, and look at what happened to them. Look how life worked out for them.” His tone was firm. “Something could happen to any of us at any time in life, and I know for a fact I would rather die helping you – loving you – than the same way my dad went out. It would be an honor to die for you, Saph. And I know you won’t hear me yet, and that’s okay. You care a lot and it makes you worry, and I love that about you. But really, truly, it’s okay. We will be fine, regardless of how things play out, and none of us will have regrets.”
He held me for a while after that. Long enough for my tears to stop, my breathing to go back to normal, and the world begin to wake. I could hear the bustle of all the other people in my house as they began their day, and though I would have loved to remain in bed with Logan all day, there were things that needed doing.
My stomach had just grumbled with the need for some of my Kody’s food when Misha sent out a group text, summoning us all to the kitchen for an emergency meeting. Logan and Ihurried to our feet, and he chucked me some clothes. As I slid myself into a white dress with tiny little roses embroidered over it, my mind drifted back to my love for roses and the one who had instilled it in me.
“How do you cope without your daddy?” I asked Logan, as I opened my drawer to grab some fluffy socks.
“I didn’t cope. I just decided I had to start pretending and one day it felt like less of an act.” He handed me a hair tie when my feet were securely wrapped in a bundle of white fluff. There was a beat of silence before he added, “I think about both my parents every day. Usually when I’m doing something random that has no relevance to them. Sometimes it’s when I smell the same perfume my mom wore, or see the news and remember how my dad would watch it religiously, even if it drove him insane.”
“I keep doing similar things – like now, I saw the roses and thought of my daddy. And then I wondered if that ever stopped.” I had known deep in my heart Logan still felt strongly towards his mama, even if she wasn’t technically more than just dead to him. But hearing him confirm my thoughts only made my heart hurt more as I grabbed his hand and we headed to the kitchen together, continuing our conversation until we made it to the others and let things go for now.
There was all the time in the world for us to discuss our grief and the fond memories of our loved ones, and even just that single conversation had made me feel a little less sad. A little less alone.
“Hey, gorgeous.” Price greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and a fresh hot chocolate. “Did you sleep okay?”
I wanted to lie, but Logan had spent far too long trying to convince me it was okay to be honest, so I decided to listen to him instead of being a brat.
“Not that great. I had a nightmare.” Price instantly frowned and checked me over, looking for signs of distress as I carried on. “But I feel okay now,papi.Logan was with me, and now I feel ready to do the day and whatever this meeting is.”
“You sure?” His big hand linked through mine when Logan let me go to grab a cup of tea from Kody. “If you want to wait to do business stuff, then we can. Or you just say the word and I’ll take you on a date to go eat shitty food and fuck all day until you’re happy again.”
