The one who’d been willing to put a gun to her head and pull the trigger.
“About what, gorgeous?” Price murmured as he shot me a reassuring smile.
I loved his smile. It was one of the best things about him, aside from everything else.
I’d yet to find a single fault of his and knew that I probably never would.
“About what had been happening for the hours I was in that dungeon that I haven’t said before, and what my plans are now.” I nibbled on my lower lip and squeezed my arms around myself tighter, as though I could hug the memories away. “I need to be clear with my thoughts and stop… stop being quiet. It will not do us any good to be quiet for longer.”
“Okay, princess.” Linc reached across the table, grabbing my arm until I let go of myself and held his hand. “Tell us whatever you want to say – we’re here to listen and we promise we won’t go anywhere and if you want to stop at any time, then you can.”
I fucking loved him. I loved him so damn much, even if I had never wanted to do such a thing. And before my capture, before all that time on my own, I had presumed I loved many things about him that were unique and to do with him being handsome too. But in the days after my return home, I realized one thing about him – about the others too. That had made me smile, even if it hurt.
Just like my daddy, Malone had always made me feel safe, regardless of where he was in the world. He had been my hero, who had saved me from unimaginable pain and danger, and I had never once worried when I knew he had my back. With him gone, I thought I would have nobody else around me to do the same thing. But I hadn’t lost that. I had that same feeling – that same level of protection – from the five men sitting around me. They had each looked after me since the day we met, and not just with my physical safety. But with my mental one and happiness too. Even with Malone gone, I wasn’t alone. Even if I had rescued myself, I wasn’t the only one who had been trying. They all had – non-stop since the minute I’d left and the moment they had come home. Or woken up again, in Kody’s case.
I was a gang leader with a list of enemies that were dangerous beyond compare and yet surrounded by the men before me, I felt safe and protected.
Iwassafe.
“You know I was tortured a little, and there were drugs and things, too. And I said about how I had no food and only a little water.” They all nodded. “But the worst of all of it was that my…” The tears began to fall. Partly for what I said. Partly for how comfortable I felt speaking to them. “My daddy was there in the dungeon with me.”
Beau knew. Beau knew because he’d dealt with everything and had made sure none of the people holding me had been left alive. But aside from him, I had not told a soul. I hadn’t wanted to say the words out loud more than once – I hadn’t been able to.
They all stilled, brows furrowing. “What do you mean?” Lincoln asked, his hand squeezing mine.
“The stalker had his… his body, and I… I had to sit with him for all that time and pretend it was not the worst thing I had seen aside from the deaths of my loved ones.” I looked up at each of them, tears streaming harder. “I was left with his rotting corpse the entire time I was there and I …. I… to get out I had to… I used one of his bones… like a blade – like a club…” I stopped talking, needing a moment to compose myself.
It was more than a minute. Honestly, I was fairly sure it was at least fifteen solid minutes of each of my men offering assurances and comfort before I had the guts to keep speaking.
“I had to use my daddy to help my escape – I had to watch him rot worse, then I had to help pull him apart so I could get out. And that is what keeps me awake at night; that is what I see when I close my eyes. I see him being like that. I see my mama after I shot her. And I see Mal… I see him in pieces, and I know that everything is my fault. I am the one that Cassie fucking O’Malley wants and I am the reason that you have no daddy too.”
I tried to word myself carefully, considering who I sat with, but it was hard. There really was no other way to reference Malone – he was in pieces. He was gone, and it was my fault, even if I didn’t mean it. Even if each one tried to say that it wasn’t. They were wrong.
“I might not have asked for it, but it is still my fault. I could have stopped any of you helping me at each stage of this adventure, and I did not. Because I am selfish and spoiled and I want all of you – I want you five to be mine and never leave me. I wanted Mal to stay and help me. And I wanted every person in this house and who died here to stick around and help me because… because I could not do this alone. I didn’twantto do it alone.”
Each man offered niceties about me not being at fault, hugs and promises of helping me heal. Each one talked and talked about kind things, positivity and all the ways we could work together to help me heal – help us all heal. And I appreciated each word even if I couldn’t feel them right now. I loved that they cared so much, even if I couldn’t truly listen to the words they said.
Not yet.
Not until I was done. Not because I was being a brat and wanting to cause myself pain. But because I needed the images in my head – I needed to remember exactly how cruel my stalker and her pieces of shit family members had been to me and mine, and use that anger and grief to finish things.
I needed to win the game the O’Malley’s and Montana’s had been playing for far too many decades until there were none of them left.
“I’ve always been entitled.” Harshly wiping at my eyes, I carried on speaking. “Not in a bratty way, but in a way that I expected power, fortune, and all the beautiful things in lifebecause of my surname and how hard I have worked with my privilege.”
Lincoln snorted, trying to lighten my mood as he whispered, “I still think you’re a brat.”
My eyes rolled at him, but it was as I smiled.
“Regardless of bunny’s thoughts, now I feel… I feel there are different things. There are more important things than power and money.” I sniffled. “If I have to give up every penny in my bank, and the Red Diamonds – all of it – to keep the rest of you safe, then I will do it. Because none of that is as important as you – asmyfamily.”
Did I want to be poor and jobless? Hell no. Would I have done it in an instant in exchange for the safety of those I loved? Yes. A thousand times, yes. I would have given up every penny, business, and possession if it meant they were safe and I would never have a single regret over it.
“All you ever did was help me and all I have done in return is bring pain and some pleasure. And whilst I know you say it is not my fault these things are happening, I just wanted you to know that I am sorry regardless – I am sorry for the suffering I brought into your life and wished it could have been different.”
They insisted I didn’t need to apologize again, and even if they weren’t lying to me, I didn’t care. I wanted to say sorry still. I wanted to make sure they understood that I did not enjoy how certain parts of our story had gone, and that I regretted every single scar they carried. Whether that was physical or mental.
Not an ounce of me regretted meeting my men, but I did regret how our relationships had gone when it hurt them. It was a burden I would carry until the grave.
