“I’ve been here the whole time, Mom.”
And I had. I’d been there through every heartbreak, every new drug, every bad moment. I’d been there through it all, but I was tired of being there.
“Well, come on,” she said, her eyes surprisingly clear for once. “No need to sit outside and get eaten up by bugs. Let’s go inside. Did you check the mail?”
I had. It was full of unpaid bills and a flier for a local church, neither of which did anything for me, so I’d thrown it away. But I didn’t want to talk about bugs or mail or anything else mundane.
My mom didn’t seem to notice my internal battle because she kept talking as she walked up the stairs, and when the screen door creaked open, I finally found my nerve.
“I’m leaving, Mom.”
The door slammed shut like a nail in a coffin. I didn’t know where I would go, but I couldn’t stay there anymore. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t be a victim of love, and to uphold that promise, I had to leave behind the only person I’d ever loved.
“Lily.” A note of desperation hung in my mother’s voice, but I wouldn’t give in, not this time.
I took my time standing up from the stoop, dusting off my clothes before I turned to face her, the last piece of my mask finally in place.
Tears streamed down her face, eyes bright as the summer sky. Even though the drugs had taken their toll, a ghost of her beauty remained. If I squinted hard enough, I could still see her, but I was tired of chasing a ghost.
I was just tired.
“He was never worth it, Mom. He was never worth any of this.”
She shook her head, her wild hair tumbling around her. Her hand was pressed to her mouth as if holding back a sob, and then she swallowed and said the one thing that ensured I would leave.
“You’ll understand one day, Lily. You’ll fall in love with a man, and you’ll understand.”
She was wrong, though, because I wouldn’t let myself fall in love.
Chapter 32
Lily
It’s the day of the church dinner, and a brooding cloud has hung over my head all day. There’s no particular reason for it. It’s just there, dimming my day when I need to be at my best.
Not only will the Birdies be there today, but several school board members will be, too. And maybe that’s why everything feels so heavy—because everything rests in the balance.
Theo will be here any minute to pick me up, something I fought against, but in the end, he won by pointing out that people would expect a couple to ride together to a function. I’d begrudgingly admitted he was right, and that was the end of the conversation, for me at least. Since then, he hasn’t missed a chance to remind me he was right about something. But even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.
Shoving away the brewing storm lingering over my head, I march to the bathroom, needing to finish getting ready before Theo shows up.
My hair and makeup are already done. I tried something different with both, and as I stare into the bathroom mirror, I have to admit it’s a different person staring back at me. Instead of straightening my hair like I usually do, I chose to keep the natural curls. It makes me look wilder. Free. Happy.It makes me look happy.
I also kept my makeup natural, forgoing most of it. It makes my eyes brighter.
I continue staring at myself for one…two….three blinks, then I look away.
My necklace is lying on the bathroom sink, and I reach to pick it up. Taking the clasp in each hand, I wrap it around my neck.
It feels different, too, though. Since the first day I put it on my neck, it’s always been a reminder of who I didn’twantto be, but lately, it’s been a reminder of who Ican’tbe, the weight becoming heavier and heavier.
The clasp clicks together when my phone starts to ring in the bedroom. With one more glance at my reflection, I blow out a breath and rush to the my room to answer it. I expect it to be Theo, telling me he is on his way, so I don’t look at the screen, swiping my finger across it and pressing it to my ear.
“Hello,” I say, focusing on the room in front of me rather than the person on the other side.
There’s a beat of silence in which I wait for them to say something, then…“Lily, baby, is that you?”
I freeze. I haven’t heard my mother’s voice in years, and in an instant, I’m thrown back into the past. Unable to decipher from then and now.
