“Oh, we split a long time ago. I haven’t needed a sponsor in years. We actually met on Earth’s moon. I was part of the human lunar experiments. And I was one of the few who took them up on the offer to follow a sponsor out into the Coalition. She was one of the caretakers of the dome that we were living in. Her name’s Kiir. She’s a domini. Super friendly and sweet. We lived on Holotulle while my sponsorship was ongoing. That’s when I first started working for Uver Prime. But she wanted to find her mate and have a family, so she went back to her home planet. I decided to stay and take the promotion to dock master out here. I’ve only been a dock master for a few tendays. It’s great. Really. Just… it’s not what I wanted.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t really have the right to complain, I know.” She poked awkwardly at her bowl. “But I never wanted to end up back in an administrative role. Datawork and managing teams and coordinating jobs. I did that on Earth. I left specifically because I didn’t want to keep doing it. Because I didn’t want to keep living the way I was. I really don’t like doing administration. It’s boring. I wanted adventure and excitement. Fun! Crossing galaxies to get away from being a paper pusher only to end up a data pusher is just ironic.”
“Excitement and adventure aren’t necessarily good things,” he said calmly.
“Yeah, I suppose that’s true,” she frowned before shaking her head, fixing a smile back on her face. “It really isn’t that bad. I’m just being ungrateful.”
Sway cocked his head. Not just because of what she said. Though that was interesting too. But it was the tone that really caught his ear. He was a farasie. His people were able to hear with much better clarity than most species. She covered it well, but he heard that subtle dip when she said the word ‘ungrateful’. There was a weight to the word he didn’t think she intended to show.
“That’s an odd thing to say.”
“Huh?”
Sway gave her a searching look. “You don’t like being in an administrative role. And that’s fine. It doesn’t make you ungrateful because you don’t like it. And even if it did, why must that be a condemnation of you?”
“I…” She blinked a few times. Like the thought never even occurred to her.
“You don’t have to be grateful for something to appreciate its worth. And just because something has value doesn’t mean it’s something you want. You can be ungrateful without it meaning that you think there’s something wrong with what you have.”
Sway grappled with his own inherent, primitive need to survive and the horror of what it took to live almost every day of his life. Back when he had been under the Master’s control, there’d been days he’d struggled so hard just to keep living but still hated every time that he’d open his eyes in the morning. He wanted to die but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wanted to live, but there was nothing to appreciate about his life.
Hating and wanting to live was a terrible combination. He’d certainly not been grateful, even as he did whatever was necessary to keep on living. Because living had an inherent value that he continued to seek and exploit, even as he wished desperately for it to be otherwise.
And the reverse was also true. There were times he’d been grateful towards the Master for sparing him. For not hurting him as much as he could. Forlettinghim live. Times when the sick feeling of gratitude sat like toxic sludge in his gut. He hated himself for that gratitude, but he’d still feel that way.
Gratitude was not always an indicator for how much you appreciated something. Sway knew that better than most.
But the way Grace said it, the weight she’d unintentionally placed on the words, told him that her lack of gratitude had been used against her as a weapon. She’d not been grateful for something she didn’t want, and that had been a crime to someone else.
Grace lowered her eyes, cheeks pink, though it didn’t look like pleasure this time. She wasn’t even playing with her food now.She’d put her hands in her lap, her shoulders hunched inward. Like she was embarrassed. Or ashamed.
And he hated that he put that look on her face.
“I’m sorry,” Sway said, crest flat against his head. “I did not mean to assume… That is, it wasn’t my intention to talk like I know what you’re going through.”
She shook her head, fixing a smile back on her face. But it didn’t reach her eyes, and she didn’t lift them to look at him again.
“I’m not upset. No one has ever…” She hesitated, biting her lip before continuing in a soft voice. “To tell you the truth, that’s not why I left Earth. I mean, itistrue. I was trying to get away from a life spent decaying in an office building, holding meetings no one cared about, signing papers that held little real meaning, never doing anything fun or interesting with my life. But that’s not the real reason. I could have quit my job. I could have found adventure on Earth if I tried. If I’m being honest, the reason I left was because of my family.”
Sway tilted his head. Trying to look into her eyes. His fingers twitched with the urge to pull her into his arms, onto his lap, and run his fingers through her hair, preening her until that sad look vanished and she was smiling at him again.
“Did your family want you in the administrative role?”
“No. I mean, kind of. My dad was a career politician, and my mom came from old money. We were a very upright and upstanding family. Never did anything wrong. Always perfect. At least, from the outside. It didn’t matter how rotten things were behind closed doors, so long as welookedperfect. And my parents wereperfect.Their son went to law school. Daughter gotan art degree. Son was set to follow in dad’s footsteps. Daughter was expected to have a job only until the moment she found a husband – a mate – that she could then focus on to help further his career. Like her mom, she was expected to stop working and became the perfect trophy wife. That was my life. All laid out in front of me. Nice and neat.”
“And you wished to escape that future?”
She chuckled once. “Funny enough… no. I honestly didn’t mind. I wanted adventure. I wanted to explore. But we were wealthy. I could do a bunch of exploring before I got married. And even afterwards, the perfect family takes vacations. The rich ones do it multiple times a year. I could still have my fun. If I really wanted that life.”
“So, what made you run? What drove you all the way out here?”
She winced. “I couldn’t take the criticism anymore.”
“Criticism?”
She nodded sadly. “My brother was perfect. The golden child of the family. He could do no wrong – even if he hadjustdone wrong. They covered for him so many times. He had his future laid out and he was damn well going to get it.
