“That’s okay, Shan.” Claire squeezed her hand. “I’m so happy you’re coming over.” She leaned over Shannon to pat my knee. “You, too, Liz.”
I smiled back at them but didn’t respond because I was so tired. Everything felt heavy on my shoulders and the scary lady was extra loud in my head today.
I had felt it coming for a while now.
My happiness kept getting lower, and lower, and lower until it hit the bottom.
Now, everything was dark and sad.
I wasn’t even cross.
I just felt empty.
Trying to distract myself, I peered at Claire’s parents. Her dad was driving, and her mam was in the passenger seat. He was holding her hand and sometimes he would pick it up and kiss it.
“Rock ’n’ Roll Kids” was playing on the radio, and I knew all the words because Ireland had won the Eurovision Song Contest with it earlier this year.
I couldn’t get myself to care, though.
It didn’t matter if I knew the words or not. It didn’t matter if the girls talked to me or not. Nothing mattered to me. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep.
When we got to Claire’s house, I trailed after my friends and tried my best to keep up with their conversations, but it was exhausting.
The scary lady kept whispering in my head.
Her claws were pushing me under the water.
It felt like my head was underwater and I could see her, but it was blurry and faded.
I was too tired to fight her back in my head.
She was sitting on my shoulder now, but they couldn’t see her.
When I told the girls I needed to use the bathroom, it was a lie. I didn’t need to go. I just needed togo. Climbing into the tub, I curled up in a ball and covered my head.
“Be a good girl and open your mouth.”
Get out.
“If you bite me, I’ll kill her. Do you want that?”
Get out.
“That’s it. You like that, don’t you?”
Get out!
“Stop crying. I can feel you enjoying it.”
Please get out of my head.
“Fuck me, you’re getting so good at that.”
Stop hurting me!
“That’s it. It’s not so bad, is it?”
No!
