Taking in a few sacred moments ofpeace.
Lightheaded and broken, I slumped, my back against the door, and held my breath, hoping that if I held it long enough, I might drift off to sleep and wake up back in Hugh’s bed.
A little while later, when I was redressed and back downstairs, I was hit with the familiar tsunami of guilt. The moment I walked into the living room and locked eyes with Hugh, I felt my shame swallow me whole.
His whiskey eyes seared holes through my soul, and I wanted to both run into his arms and throw myself off a bridge.
He knew exactly what I had done upstairs with another boy, and it made me feel every bit the whore the monster molded me into.
I could see it in Hugh’s eyes that it was over for him, that my actions tonight only solidified his decision to walk away.
I had spent weeks trying to convince myself I did the right thing. That in the long run, Hugh would be better off hating me. If he didn’t love me, he couldn’t get hurt. If he stayed away from me, he would be safe.
Therefore, I should have been feeling glad about the disappointment in his eyes. It was what I wanted, after all. What needed to happen to set him free from the hell that was loving me.
But when he walked outside, I couldn’t seem to stop my feet from following him.
Ignoring the evil glares I received from some of his teammates and the way they muttered the wordwhorewhen I walked past them, I kept my eyes trained on Hugh’s back.
Following him into the night, I trailed every step he took until it led to a stable. When I finally worked up the courage to speak to him, he was leaning against a stable door, with his back to me, scratching a horse’s ear.
“Hi,” I squeezed out, hovering at a slight distance from him.
His entire frame stiffened and the hand he was using to stroke the horse froze.
“How are you?” I decided to add when he didn’t respond.
Exhaling a pained breath, Hugh slowly turned around to face me. “What do you want, Liz?”
You. “I just wanted to say hi.”
“Hi,” he replied flatly.
I continued to hover, both unwilling and unable to leave. “Are you okay?”
Hugh stared at my face like the question offended him.
Then he muttered something unintelligible under his breath before turning his attention back to the horse. “It’s cold out here. You should go back inside.”
“I don’t care,” I strangled out, clasping my hands tightly.
“Yeah,” he replied softly, while he continued to give the horse his full attention. “You don’t seem to care about a whole lot these days.”
“I care about you,” I choked out, unable to stop my legs from moving to him. “You’re the only thing I care about.”
“I know you think you do,” he replied, straining away when I tried to hug him.
“I do care,” I argued, feeling the familiar scald of tears. “I love you.”
“And I love you,” he replied simply. “I wish I didn’t, but I do.”
“Can we fix this?” Sniffling, I used my sleeve to wipe my cheeks.
“Your eyes are black,” he said sadly. “You’re not well, and Pierce shouldn’t be taking advantage.”
“I don’t care about him,” I cried, pulling on his arm. “I only care about you.”
“You need to get some help, Liz.” He sounded so torn. “You need to do it, okay?”
