“We agreed to wait until your sixteenth birthday.”
“I thought we agreed onyourfifteenth.”
“No, we definitely agreed onyoursixteenth.”
“Ugh.” She released a despondent sigh. “But it’s too far away.”
“It’s only a year and a half away.” Settling my hands on her hips, I stroked her bare skin with my thumbs to soothe her. “What’s another year and a half, huh?”
“A lifetime when you feel the way I do,” she groaned, collapsing onto my chest with a loud huff. “You have no idea how frustrated I am, Hugh. You laugh about it and make a big joke out of it, but it’s not funny to me. It actually hurts me. Like I feel physical pain because the urge is so strong. It’s like an itch I can’t scratch. All the time. Constantly. And I’m trying so hard…and you aren’t interested, and I just…ugh, forget it.”
“Liz.” Sighing heavily, I wrapped an arm around her. “You know I’m interested.” I reached up with one hand to stroke her cheek. “I want you so fucking bad it’s all I can think about most days.” I contemplated my next admission before blowing out a breath and saying to hell with it. “In the last two years, I can’t think of a single night when Ihaven’tgotten myself off to the mental image of being inside you.”
“Really?” She sprang back up, lap-straddling resumed, and looked down at me with an excited glint in her eyes. “You’re not bullshitting me?”
No, I wasn’t bullshitting her.
I was being honest.
Painfully, embarrassingly honest.
“Would you take one look at yourself?” I replied and then made the mistake of taking my own advice. The sight of her straddling me in nothing but a frilly white bra and matching knickers caused a groan to escape. “Jesus Christ, you’re so beautiful, it hurts to look at you. There’s not another girl in my world that can hold a candle to you, and that’s not an exaggeration because I haven’t taken my eyes off you since I saw you on the school bus in first class.”
Her breath hitched and she asked, “You really think that about me?”
“Yeah, Liz, I really do,” I confirmed gruffly. “I always have.”
“It’s only the exterior,” she whispered, gesturing to her body. “It’s wallpaper, Hugh.” An audible breath escaped her parted lips, and she cast her gaze downward. “I promise what’s on the inside doesn’t look like this.”
“There’s nothing ugly about you, Liz.” When she didn’t respond, I sat up and reached for her. “Hey…hey, look at me.” Holding her face in my hands, I forced her to look at me. “There isnothinguglyinsideof you.”
“You don’t know that.” She clenched her eyes shut, blocking me out. “You don’t know about the things I think about.”
“I don’t have to know about them.” I smoothed her hair off her face and pulled her face closer to mine. “Because I know you.”
“It’s not just the thoughts.” Her voice was small and broken. “It’s the slips and the gaps and the urges.”
Hearing her admit this out loud broke my fucking heart, because she was voicing both of our fears out loud. We’d had an amazing summer. Months of stability and calm. But we both knew that, at any moment in time, the shift could happen. “Ifyou slip again, I’ll be there to pull you back.” Stroking her cheek with my thumb, I nuzzled her nose with mine. “And if you lose track of time, I’ll be there to ground you.” Unable to stop myself, I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips. “And if you feel the urges, I’ll be there to protect you.”
“I don’t want to slip again,” she choked out, fisting my T-shirt with a death grip. “I’m so afraid.”
I couldn’t tell her that it wouldn’t happen, because we both knew that would be a lie.
All I could do was promise her that if it happened, I would be there on the other side.
“I’ll be here.” I kissed her again. “Always.”
“No matter what?”
“Yeah, Liz.” I kissed her softly. “No matter what.”
WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY, THE KITTENS PLAY
Lizzie
OCTOBER 31, 2002
SINEADBIGGS HAD ALWAYS THROWN THE SPLASHIEST, NO-EXPENSE-SPARED BIRTHDAYparties for her children. Because her son was born on Halloween, their house had always been the place to be on the spookiest night of the year.
