“Because I want to play with you,” she said, giving me a big smile. “Hurry up.”
Excited now, I tossed the slippery soap into the sink and turned off the tap before jumping down. Drying my hands on my pajamas, I followed my sister across the landing and into her room.
Caoimhe was almost twelve, which meant she had a big bed like our parents. I was four and still had to sleep in a small bed, but I didn’t mind because I still got to sleep with all my teddies.
“Are you okay?” she asked, waiting for me to come inside before closing the door behind us. “You weren’t listening to that, were you?”
“Mammy’s cross,” I replied, making a beeline for her giant bed. Caoimhe never let me go into her room anymore, not since I started junior infants and she was always cross with me, so I was excited to be here now. “Daddy’s cross, too.”
“Yeah, I know.” She walked over to her boom box and switched it on. When the familiar song drifted from the speakers, I smiled.
“This one’s my favorite,” I told her, sitting cross-legged in the middle of her bed. Before I started big school, she used to let me hang out with her all the time. That’s how I knew about all the pop stars and singers.
“I know.” She looked over her shoulder and smiled at me. “You remember the name of the band, don’t you?” Her tone was teasing now. “You better not have forgotten the name of the best band in the world.”
“Fleetwood Mac,” I said proudly before pointing at the stereo. “And that’s their album calledRumours.” She played it all the time and I knew the words of the songs better than the prayers I learned at school.
“Excellent,” she praised, turning up the volume when the shouting from downstairs got louder. “And who is our witchy queen?”
“Stevie.”
“And our guitar king?”
“Lindsey.”
Caoimhe’s smile grew bigger. “And what’s my favorite song?”
“‘Landslide.’”
“And Mam’s?”
“‘The Chain.’”
“And what’s yours?”
“‘Silver Springs.’”
“And who else do we love?” My sister pointed to the T-shirt she was wearing, the one with the smiley face on it. She waswearing a pair of baggy jeans with holes in the knees, too, and her wrists were covered with bangles and bracelets. She also had a silver, moon-shaped necklace pendant around her neck, and I wanted to look just like her when I was bigger. “I’ll give you a hint,” Caoimhe said, still pointing to her shirt. “It starts with Nir…”
“Nirvana!” I filled in, feeling excited because she looked so happy with me. I liked it when people were happy with me. It made me feel warm in my belly, not like the burning-hot feeling when I made them sad. Like Daddy. He was always sad when he looked at me, and that didn’t feel good. Not good at all.
“Am I bad, Caoimhe?”
“What?” My sister’s brows scrunched together, and she gave me a funny look. “Where did you hear that?”
I shrugged. “Don’t know.”
“No, Liz.” Caoimhe heaved out a big breath and climbed onto the bed with me. “You’re not bad.” Her hands were warm when they pulled me onto her lap, but her voice was sad. It made the burning feeling grow. The one that made me want to scream. The one that made me want to scratch my skin. “You’re just complicated.”
“How come you don’t want me in your school?” I turned in her lap to look at her. “Do you hate me?”
“No,” she whispered, sounding super sad. “I just get frustrated, that’s all.”
“Because of me?”
She nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
