Ouch. That was a stinger and I almost feel bad. Joss always had a bond with Luke, I wondered often if she saw him like the brother she always wanted. But I also felt bad for her because it was never as strong as his one with Cali, and she always seemed to be outside, waving in. Metaphorically.
She shuts up temporarily, and I take the opportunity to leave the compartment. Or am I just being the same old Joe, and passively running away?
Chapter 18
Cali
I slept fine. I slept fine! I probably snored more than Sara did, anyway. The cabin was cosy, like my flat in London, and the bunk beds made it feel like camping, and the train moving along was like being rocked to sleep.
And I only went into a spiral of resentment once as I lay there awake, thinking about how in the hell Luke had ended up getting a compartment to himself when the rest of us had to share.
None of us are really talking yet, on this trip. It’s fine. It’s like the past five years, really, so I guess no big deal. The corners of my mouth droop at that thought, though.
Actually, two of us are talking, in a way. Through the wall are the unmistakeable voices of Joe and Joss bickering. It’s been like that for the last hour, and I could get up and go to the celestial carriage, but Sara’s gone up there with her book so I’m enjoying the solitude and the view from the window.
We’re still moving through the forests of Ontario today, the sunlight low in the sky and streaming through tree branches, sparkling against the white snow which seems to thicken the further we get into Canada. It’s beautiful, like the glittering lights of Regent Street at Christmastime.
Click. Was that Luke’s compartment door opening, behind the other wall? I sit up like a meerkat. Where’s he off to? Maybe I need to take a walk too?
Don’t you dare get off this seat, Cali. Glue those butt cheeks to the chair if you have to.
I wonder how he slept. Did he take the top or bottom bunk? Probably the bottom. I remember he used to sleep all drapey, arms and legs melting off the sides of the mattress, breathing slow and relaxed.
That first morning, after all those months (years?) of flirting and eye contact and imagining scenarios, when we woke up together in my bed it was summer and the sun was already up and streaming around buildings and through my window even though it was early, and I just watched him sleep like a delirious little weirdo.
The night before we’d been doing something so insignificant, so ‘normal’ for us, just reading books on the sofa, leaning together, him smelling of vanilla, me probably smelling of the raspberry ripple ice cream I was eating straight from the tub. Then I remember he just put down his book on his lap, lost in thought. I asked him what it was, what was happening in those pages? And he just turned in his seat, reached over, and put his fingers behind my neck. I remember sucking in my breath, my hands clasping the ice cream tub, and unable to keep the smile off my face as he came in for a kiss.
Reader, I dropped the ice cream.
We were inseparable that week in a way we’d never been before, and the icing on the cake was supposed to be the fact that at the weekend we’d be going on holiday with all our best friends and we could tell them and they’d be all supportive and we’d be like Ross and Rachel and happily ever after would begin.
‘How’s Luke?’ Sara asks, coming back into our cabin and looking like she’s too cool to care less how Luke is.
‘What? I don’t know. He’s only just left his room, I think. I heard something, it could have been any door really. How was the celestial car?’
‘Not our Luke, your Luke. Weren’t you going to call him?’
Bollocks. ‘Oh yeah, he’s fine. Great, actually.’
‘What did you get him for Christmas?’ She sits down on her bed, now folded back into a chair.
‘Just the usual boyfriend stuff,’ I answer. Am I blushing? I’m definitely blushing. Perhaps now would be a good time to go for a walk around the train. ‘You mentioned you were seeing someone, but nothing serious?’ I deflect.
She’s about to answer when an announcement comes over the speakers to say the train is about to stop at Sioux Lookout and that we all need to get off, which I don’t mind because who doesn’t love a lookout?
Sara and I cease conversing and busy ourselves converting our cabin back into its seats for the day and putting our belongings back in our bags. I go to clean my teeth in the shared bathroom down at the end of the carriage. She goes to make a call.
I scrub my gnashers slowly, lazily, observing my chin spots as I do so, that same heaviness coming out of me in the form of a long, frothy sigh.
Once my dramatic exhale has completed, the sound of a mumbling voice outside the bathroom door fills any quiet.
Is that Luke’s voice? It sounds like Luke . . . I press my ear against the door, my toothbrush dangling from my hand.
‘Yep, alright. Will do. Yep. Buh-bye. Love you.’
He loves her! Well, obviously. I’m not jealous.
I lean over the sink and let the minty foam dribble from my mouth. Everything in me feels heavy.
