This silence is one between strangers, and it’s cold. So, yes, I am cold.
‘So . . .’
That was such a loaded ‘so’ that I brace myself.
‘You don’t mind being away from Luke over Christmas? The other one, I mean. Your boyfriend?’
Oh, Lord. ‘No, no, he’s really chilled.’ I wave my hand in the air, proving that I, too, am really chill.
‘Yeah? Tell me about him.’
‘There’s not much to tell.’
‘That’s a rave review,’ Luke comments. I heard that smirk in his voice, and I look to him.
‘What?’
He laughs, but it doesn’t sound natural. ‘I’m just kidding. Eight months, seriously, that’s great.’
‘Yeah, it is great.’ I nod. ‘He’s really lovely, and we’re thinking of moving in together in the new year.’ What the fuck am I talking about?
‘Sounds serious.’
‘It is. Everything’s great.’ I look away again and nod at the dark forests I can’t see. Everything is just great. ‘Work is good, London life is good, my boyfriend and I are good. All is merry and bright.’
‘So, you’re happy.’ He says it quietly, a statement rather than a question, but one that demands an answer, and when my gaze is drawn back to him like a magnet, locking into place with his, his head tilted just a little, his lips parted just a little, his brow furrowed, just a little, I forget for a moment what he even asked. Or stated. Then he says it again. ‘You’re happy.’
‘Yes,’ I answer. ‘Are you?’
He shrugs. ‘Sure.’
Sure is not an answer, but a whistle blows somewhere down the track and it’s time to get back on board.
I want to ask him about her, about what they’re like together. Is he the type of boyfriend I always imagined? Is he tender and funny? My eyes flicker to his lips and, from the lack of vapour smoking the air, I think he’s holding his breath.
Five years I’ve wanted to be this close to him again. That’s a long time to hold onto the idea of someone.
The whistle blows again, and Luke breathes out, and only then do I realise I was holding my breath as well.
Luke stands aside and gestures for me to climb aboard before him, and he follows me down towards our cabin. I could invite him to come to the celestial carriage, talk with me, clear the air a little. Or to the restaurant car for some dinner. But when I reach my cabin door and turn back to see what his plans are for the rest of the evening, he’s already halfway inside his own compartment.
Oh.
Fake Luke would never.
Chapter 15
Joe
Once upon a time, a brother and a sister, who were never very close, managed to not kill each other despite renting a flat together in the capital city, and then starting a business together. Perhaps they could be one of those loving sibling duos, like you see on TV, they thought. Then everything went tits up, and they fled to different ends of the country, for the sake of the family, and not wanting to put their mum through a double homicide trial. Now, it looks like the knives might come out again.
‘Top or bottom bunk?’
My sister shrugs, and it’s like we’re back at primary school again and she’s mad at me because I scratched my name across her metallic Westlife pencil case. I rub my aching forehead with the palm of my hand.
Joss is famous, at least in our family, for holding onto a grudge. She ekes it out, lets it lay over everything like a weighted blanket, and if you try and move from under it, she’ll pin the corners down.
I’m making her sound like a monster, but it’s just that her pride is her downfall. I’ve seen it be a strength, too. When she has a goal in mind she’s determined and confident and will strive to make it happen. When she’s proud of her friends or family she’ll sing it from the rooftops. She doesn’t take nonsense or belittling from anyone. But also, she will never, ever, admit when she might be in the wrong.
