Chapter 40
Alice returned home that afternoon buzzing. Shewantedto be brave again. Shewantedto celebrate the good, despite the bad. She wanted to rise up stronger.
‘You’re a clingy Bear, aren’t you?’ Alice said to her shadow, after she’d warmed up in the shower. He padded about after her, watching her every move and giving her his paw every time she tried to pass him, in case she went out without him again. ‘No need to worry, it’s me and you for the rest of the day today. No more going out, apart from your walk, no more house guests. Just me and my dog. Okay?’
Alice looked at her phone and saw a voicemail message.
‘Happy New Year!’ cried three voices in unison down the phone. ‘Ali, it’s Bahira, Kem and T’rees, and we miss having you here.’
It was Bahira talking now, and Alice smiled at the familiar sound of her voice.
‘Listen, we missed you at Christmas, your mum said you were back but for a really short time, so we werethinking . . . ’ Bahira paused, and Theresa took the opportunity to shout into the receiver, in her girlish voice, ‘We want to come and see you in Switzerland!’
Alice’s face fell. But . . . this was her hideout.
Bahira continued. ‘It’s a madhouse over here in my home and I can’t bloody wait for back to school so I can have some peace and quiet. We were wondering, the first week back at work in January is always quiet for all three of us, so how would it suit you if we all flew over next Tuesday for, what did we say, two, three nights?’ There was a short discussion before Bahira said: ‘Two or three nights, depending on flight times and prices. It’s been way too long and your mum said you’re doing really well and that your friend is happy for you to have visitors come and stay, so let us know as soon as you can if that would work out for you, timing wise, and we’ll make the arrangements.’
Alice hung up the phone.
She was making good steps forward, she was on the upward climb now, on her way out of the valley of darkness, but there was something about being pushed, even by well-meaning friends, that made her lose her footing and stumble back.
‘I thought you were being brave,’ she scolded herself. ‘They’re your friends, of course you should say yes.’
Alice couldn’t seem to focus her mind over the next couple of days. She was building quite a collection of illustrations to sell at the café, and an idea was forming under the surface about making a whole portfolio of cartoons that documented Bear’s early life to send to a publishing house. But something in her resisted, refusing to think any more about the future until she stopped running away from the past. Alice’s thoughts kept drifting back to her friends from the UK coming out to visit her. She wanted to be okay about it, to be excited, but the pressure and the expectations made her want to hammer a slat of wood across the door with every day it drew closer.
‘Knock, knock.’ Lola appeared at the entrance to her chalet. ‘Oh sorry, you’re working.’
‘Barely,’ Alice replied. ‘I could use a distraction from myself actually. Do you want a cup of tea?’
‘Sure, thanks. Hey, man.’ Lola came into the chalet and crouched to greet Bear, whose tail wagged on the floor but he couldn’t quite be bothered to get up. Lola took off her gloves and hat and sat down at the table. ‘Sorry, I just tramped snow through your living room.’
‘Considering we bat that exact line back and forth to each other almost daily, don’t worry about it. I thought you guys all had a really intense week this week? I wasn’t expecting to see much of any of you.’
‘Yeah, my eleven a.m. sprained her ankle so I’ve got an unexpected hour free.’
‘Ouch, sorry to hear that.’
‘I’m not! Are these all cartoons to sell here?’ Lola sat at the table and picked up a couple of Alice’s Bear pictures, treating them with care.
Alice finished making the drinks and carried them back to the table. ‘Some of them. I was thinking maybe of sending off a bunch of the dog ones to a few publishers back in the UK. I’m not really sure if anyone will be interested, but I’m beginning to run out of savings so I’m hoping someone might. I need to get the whole collection done and put together before I know the best approach to take, but today I am just not feeling it.’
‘Ugh, hate days like that. What’s this one of?’ Lola picked up a sheet of paper with darker ink and harder lines than the others, and scrutinised it.
‘Oh that’s nothing, just a doodle from this morning.’
‘Is that little person in the corner supposed to be you?’
Alice leaned over to look at the drawing. It didn’t mean much, really, it was just a quick sketch of her old living room back in her London flat. The curtains were closed so the walls were dark. It was a pretty grim drawing really, she was just trying to keep her pen moving, but with all of the thoughts of Kemi, Theresa and Bahira visiting the memory of those three months after the concert and before Switzerland kept returning.
‘Yeah, that’s me hiding out in my flat. It’s really just junk.’
‘It’s powerful. This is how you felt after the concert, huh?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Do you still feel like that?’
‘Not here,’ Alice said, honestly. ‘It feels really different here, but then more time has passed and I’m much further away from the situation. It’s like two different worlds.’
