Chapter 37
It was the thirty-first of December, the end of the year, and New Year’s Eve, finally. It was past eleven and Alice stood with Lola and Vanessa on Vanessa’s balcony, flutes filled with bubbles in their gloved hands, looking at the stars above and the rest of the Mürren celebrations below. They wore gold paper hats that Alice had found in the Coop, and inside the boys, including Bear, were taking polaroid photos with comedy New Year’s props and glasses that Vanessa had brought back with her.
‘This is so beautiful,’ Lola breathed. ‘I love your house, Vanessa.’
‘It’s literally the nicest place I’ve ever lived in,’ Alice agreed.
‘My house is your house, both of you, you know that.’ Vanessa had been adamant she wanted to host New Year’s, despite hosting them all in Zurich only a few weeks back. ‘From my balcony you can see all the other houses with all the other people on their balconies, and it makes the celebrations that much richer to be able to toast the neighbours,’ she had said. ‘From next door you just look at the back of my house.’
‘Goodbye, past,’ Lola said into the night sky.
‘Yes, good riddance to this year. Hello future,’ added Alice to the mountain peaks. ‘I’ve got a lot of hope pinned on you, don’t let me down.’
Lola cheersed her. ‘I think next year will be kind to you. You’ve got another four months here, with us, and that’s a good start. Your pup is only going to get bigger, which is cool, and it means even more of him to love. You’ve got a guy in there who’s besotted with you, and I don’t see you complaining . . . ’
Alice tried to bat the comment away but Lola went on, moving past the subject quickly.
‘And you’re going to keep recovering, keep making it through each day a little better than the day before.’
‘You’re very sweet. I hope for that as well. I just need to be a bit braver next year.’
‘Does that mean you’re going to try and take on a red run with your snowboard?’ Lola asked.
‘Yes,’ said Alice, and laughed. ‘I suppose it does. But braver in everything. I used to have less fear because I could always see the funny side of things, or if not funny I always had hope and could think, “Well, of course this is just a blip.” I had hope in humanity. Then I lost it all – I lost the will to try, and so then I lost hope, and I lost myself. If I could have one thing next year, it would be to be brave enough to get up and try again.’
‘I want to be brave too,’ said Vanessa. ‘I doubt myself too much after redundancy, like I will not be good enough again. Shut up, Vanessa!’
‘Yes, shut up Vanessa indeed,’ Alice said, heartily. ‘You are so good at what you do, don’t you dare tell yourself otherwise.’
‘I won’t. In your words, hello future!’
‘Wait wait wait, I want to be brave as well,’ Lola added.
‘You have more bravery in your little finger than anyone I know,’ said Alice. ‘I think you don’t have blood, just pure adrenaline.’
‘I am pretty brave,’ she agreed with a laugh. ‘Even so, it’s a scary world out there, no harm in always working on the warrior queen within.’
The three women raised their glasses.
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the stars, maybe it was the end of the toughest year of her life, but in that moment it felt like everything stilled, and Jill was by her side.
‘I like your new friends,’ Alice imagined her saying.
Alice turned her face from the others as if she were looking at the view, when actually she was looking at the spot on the balcony where Jill stood, in her mind. She gave a small nod.
‘Do they make you feel less lonely?’
Alice let a single tear fall from her eye, trailing down her cheek, finding its way over her skin ever so gently. She nodded again.
‘You should be happy. And you were right – I would always want you to choose adventure.’
Her heart ached with the pain of missing Jill. She opened her mouth, wanting to say out loud how much she wanted to see her again, how much she missed her, how sorry she was, but no words came out.
‘Remember what they told you, that I felt almost no pain. Your face was the last thing I saw when I looked up. What a send-off.’
In her mind Jill smiled the smile that Alice knew so well, then shivered; she’d never liked the cold.
‘I have to go. But there’s a lot of love here for you, not least from Bear. Enjoy it.’
