Good. Relaxing, surprisingly. Thank you for the music you sent me – it really helped.
Anytime.
I’ll let you get some sleep,she wrote.Night night, both of you.
Marco took a few minutes to reply. She kept seeing the three dots of somebody composing a message appear and disappear. Finally it came through.Miss you.
He followed it quickly with a gif of a Bernese puppy bouncing in the snow wearing a Santa hat, and a kiss.
A kiss. Was this just a bit of fun? Was a bit of fun what she desperately, down in her core, needed? Maybe it could be so much more.
Alice snuggled down under her covers and thought about all the things she was grateful for, until the fairy lights on her miniature tree began to swim in front of her eyes, and they eventually closed.
Christmas Day was as it should be; a day of harmony and of family, and for her parents’ sake Alice tucked thoughts of Jill away into her memory box just for today.
Her parents gifted her with thoughtful items she could take back to Switzerland with her – thick, cosy socks, a new set of drawing pencils, a sweet necklace with a silver snowflake and some of her mum’s home-baked biscuits. In return she gave them wooden handicrafts and candles she’d bought at the Christmas market in Zurich, a bottle of the yummiest Glühwein which she’d managed to pick up in Geneva airport at the duty free, and a framed photo of her and Bear on their balcony in Mürren.
After feasting on the biggest turkey probably ever bought for three people, even more pigs in blankets and a fat bowlful of Christmas pudding, the family retired to the sofas to rub their tummies and watch the Queen’s Speech.
Alice reached down to rest a hand on Bear’s body only to remember with a start that he wasn’t there. How nice it would be to have his heavy lean against her body right now. She was surprised how much she missed him. She’d been with him daily for four months so she probably needed a break, but she felt the loss more than she expected. Maybe because of the other losses she’d suffered this year, it felt more heightened.
‘You all right, love?’ Ed asked, looking over and stifling a burp.
‘Just missing Bear,’ she replied.And Marco, she thought, surprising herself, not intending to have even been thinking of him. ‘It’s very silly.’
‘No it’s not, he’s your companion,’ said Liz. ‘And you miss him just like we miss you.’
‘Mmm . . . ’ Alice closed her eyes, just for a moment, the warmth of the fire, the heaviness of her food and the midday glasses of port and wine settling inside her head.
A few minutes later, Liz and Ed exchanged a glance and whispered, ‘Merry Christmas’ to each other. Ed turned the TV off, Liz crept over and draped a blanket on her daughter and they both reached for their books. But neither read the words in front of them. Instead their eyes kept trailing back to Alice’s face, peaceful sleep behind her eyes, her skin looking brighter, her breathing more controlled. They knew she was trying to put on a front of getting better for them, but in this moment they could see she really was.
Before you could say ‘January sales’ it was Boxing Day and Alice was back at Heathrow Airport. Ed and Liz had filled her bag with homemade treats to keep her going and the kind presents they’d given her. They promised that they would visit soon and reminded her that she could come home any time, even if just for a couple of days.
Alice felt bad leaving them, and she’d truly enjoyed herself far more than she thought she would. But the thought of wrapping herself around her big soft Bear again was almost pulling her to the plane like a magnet.
Up on the departures board her gate was announced, and although there was no rush to board (the gate wouldn’t actually open for another half hour) she took the opportunity to say her goodbyes.
‘I’d better make tracks, security can sometimes take yonks,’ she said.
‘Okay, honey, well – thank you again for coming.’ Liz gave her yet another hug, but that was fine with Alice.
‘Thank you for a perfect Christmas,’ Alice replied. ‘See you soon, okay?’
‘Text us when you get back to Vanessa’s and send us a picture of Bear,’ said her dad. ‘Let me know if he likes his toy from Hamleys.’
‘I will,’ Alice promised. ‘Love you both a lot. Bye bye.’ She waved and walked through security, turning back to wave once again before she had to go out of sight. How lucky she was to have them.
After passing through security she stopped at one of the departure terminal bars for one last drink of Baileys. She drank, and people-watched, and it dawned on her as she looked around at the people dragging their ski equipment, the WHSmith with piles of cosy hardbacks on tables by the door, the duty-free sales assistants with their tinsel-garnished uniforms, that she was looking at everything through different eyes than when she had arrived two sleeps ago. Then it had felt cramped and busy and too hectic in comparison to peaceful Mürren. Now she didn’t feel that, and she wondered if it had all been in her head before, that she hadn’t been allowing herself to see the happiness because she was so convinced it would be the opposite.
Alice checked the time on her phone, picked up her bag and knocked back the remaining slug of Baileys, crunching on an ice cube just like Bear would have done.
