Finn felt fantastic. He had never been so calm. So in control. So free from the constant buzz of fear and anxiety charging through his bones.
It was more than two weeks since Ashley had given him his first benzo. Its effects were miraculous. Within an hour, the sensation of being on hyper alert for the next threat had disappeared. It was as though he was hooked up to a power plug that had been turned from maximum voltage down to half its capacity. He still had enough energy to manage life, but he no longer felt the exhaustion of being forever vigilant. It was so liberating that he would have cursed himself for not doing this earlier, except that wasn’t how he thought anymore. The benzos had changed everything.
What’s done is done. And what will be will be.
Ashley came out of her bedroom in a trademark skin-tight black dress. She was fastening an earring. ‘Almost ready?’ she asked Finn, who was seated at her breakfast bar.
Finn smiled at his saviour, this beauty who had rescued him. ‘Born ready.’
Ashley chuckled, a throaty, provocative sound. She finished with her earring and grabbed her purse from the kitchen bench. She fished inside for a moment and took out a packet of white powder. She tipped it carefully onto a compact mirror and then split it into two lines with her credit card.
Finn watched her closely. Everything she did was enchanting. Even the way she dragged her hair back over her shoulder so it wouldn’t fall through the lines of cocaine, which she deftly snorted through a rolled-up twenty dollar note, one straight after the other.
Ashley stood up, sucked in a deep breath through her nostrils and smiled with the wild eyes of a zealot. ‘Now we’re ready to go.’
Finn hadn’t been particularly surprised the first time Ashley had brought out cocaine before a party. He worked in the entertainment industry; snorting cocaine was as common as drinking red wine. He’d never done it himself, of course. Far too many ways that could go horribly sideways in his mind. Plus, it was illegal, which made it wrong. And every time you did something wrong, there were consequences.
But that was before Finn had found his healing. Now, as he watched Ashley’s pupils widen, he wondered if perhaps he’d been living his life wrong all along. Actually, he didn’t need to wonder about that – it was patently fucking obvious. He’d spent most of his time anxious, catatonic or suicidal. Of course he’d done it all wrong. Acting was the only part of him that brought peace, but even that was gone the moment he stepped out of character.
‘You got any more of that?’ Finn asked.
Ashley beamed. ‘Finley Walsh, you naughty boy. You told me cocaine was dangerous.’
‘No reward without risk.’ It was something Finn had heard but never believed until now.
Ashley giggled and hurriedly fished around in her purse for another bag. Her movements were quick and erratic, and she had to concentrate intensely to pour the coke onto the mirror again. Just one line this time.
She handed Finn the rolled-up twenty. ‘Are you sure?’
He didn’t respond. He just took the note, leaned in and sucked the cocaine into his nostril like his life depended on it.
The powder tickled his nose and made his eyes water. He shook his head like a dog emerging from the waves, then a burst of power surged through his body. He saw everything around him in crisp, high definition. ‘Whoa!’
Ashley laughed and clapped her hands. ‘Are you ready to party now?’
Finn looked at this beautiful young woman with her caramel skin and shining eyes. He was consumed by a hunger for her that ached deep inside him. He gently stroked her cheek with his thumb and forefinger. ‘You are unimaginably magnificent,’ he whispered.
Ashley narrowed her eyes and dipped her head. She bit her bottom lip. ‘Come on, the party can wait.’ She walked towards her bedroom, pushing her dress off her shoulders and sliding it down her body. Then she kicked it off as she disappeared from view.
Finn’s tongue and throat were numb but every other cell in his body was supercharged. Finally, he knew what it was like to be fully alive.
***
The music in the club was loud. So loud, it pulsated through Finn’s body. When they’d arrived a couple of hours ago, each beat had filled him with strength. Boom, boom, boom went the music in time with his thundering heart. Now, though, it was just too loud. And the laser lights were too bright as they burst sporadically across the dance floor. And the dancing … that had exhausted him. His legs ached and his feet were on fire. Who were all these people, anyway? And where was Ashley? Had she abandoned him? Fuck, what if someone was filming him to sell a video to the online tabloids? He had to get out of there.
A young woman pressed up against his body. ‘Finn Walsh,’ she shouted. ‘Let’s get a selfie!’ She extended her arm and waited for Finn to lean in for the pic. But he bailed. Fast.
He’d been recognised all night. With Ashley on his arm, he’d felt like a fucking king. Pic after pic. Smile after smile. He didn’t care. The fans loved it. Mostly young women, hot and horny and not shy about what they would do if Ashley was out of sight. Finn had laughed off their offers and hit the dance floor hard.
He now fled from the same dance floor like it was a minefield. He pushed through the crowd, trying to find Ash. He scanned the room desperately, his heart racing, body burning up. Sweat ran down his neck and back. He needed water. Litres of water. He altered his course for the bar and crashed into it like a head-on collision. ‘Water!’ Finn shouted at the bartender.
She took a bottle from the fridge, removed the lid and placed it down in front of him. ‘On the house for you, honey.’ She winked at him, but he barely registered the action. Instead, he slammed the bottle to his lips and poured it down his throat so wildly that water ran down his chin and onto his shirt.
There was a hand on his shoulder. Ashley’s voice. ‘Finn, are you all right?’
He finished the bottle, wiped his mouth and gasped. His head was spinning and he couldn’t hold onto the bottle. It slipped out of his grip and onto the floor. ‘Ash, thank God you’re here. We’ve got to go. I don’t feel right.’
Ash stroked his hair, which was sodden with sweat. ‘Sshh,’ she soothed. ‘You’re okay. You just need a bump. It was only a small hit you took.’ She led him by the hand through the crowd and up a small set of stairs to a cordoned-off area. It was the VIP section where they’d started the night.
