She drew her head back. ‘Well, that’s one hell of an Aussie accent you’ve got there, Finn Walsh. You sure you’re going to be able to keep up with a southern girl like me?’ Her eyes flashed a challenge and Finn realised he’d underestimated her. Perhaps she was kind. But she was also ruthless.
Thankfully, one of the quirks of Finn’s acting abilities was that his accents were absolutely flawless. He kept this to himself and nodded politely. She obviously hadn’t seen his audition tape.
The casting director called the room to attention, issued some directions to the actors and gave the telltale ‘action’ instruction.
Finn died and Augustine Pilberek was born.
Jessica was standing now and she delivered her first line with an intensity and deep characterisation that might have intimidated another actor, but not Finn. It steeled him, reassured him, motivated him. Gus and Molly were together again.
‘I would have thought a man like you could find a way to make this work,’ she said, challenge in her eyes, hand on her jutting hip. Wardrobe would probably have her in a summer dress for this scene, but for the audition she wore blue jeans and a white T-shirt.
‘Well, I would have thought a woman like you could find a man who could find a way to make this work.’ Following Esme’s expert directions, he injected just the right level of absurdity to make an audience laugh but not so much that they stopped believing his character was a real person.
Finn felt the energy in the room lift. Even Jessica betrayed her character with an almost imperceptible eye twitch. It seemed that nobody besides the casting director had expected Finn to perfectly deliver the line and the accent.
Jessica advanced on him slowly, wagging a finger that she eventually jabbed into his chest. ‘You, Augustine Pilberek, are the most worthless man God ever deigned to place on His good green earth.’
And then they were off and running. Cutting each other down with the witty repartee that was mandatory for a romantic comedy before the leads finally get together. The scene ended with them storming out of frame in frustration. There was a round of applause and the casting director congratulated them. Then she gave some additional directions and asked them to reset.
So they did the scene again.
Then another scene that Finn hadn’t rehearsed.
Then some improvisation to see if they could be spontaneous when put on the spot.
And Finn nailed every single second of it.
***
He hurried home after the audition, knowing what was coming. Already the base of his skull had started to ache and his muscles had tightened to breaking point. His thoughts were desperately spiralling, his mind was replaying all the things he’d ever done wrong in his life. All the times he’d hurt somebody, let somebody down, been unkind.
He couldn’t be around the casting team when he hit rock bottom. He had achieved an incredible feat: the perfect audition with an A-list Hollywood actress. He was certain he would get another callback for the part – a part that would change his life forever. He was as high now as he had ever been in his profession.
But what goes up must come down. And Finn knew he didn’t deserve that level of success. Wouldn’t deserve the money they’d be paying him. Or the adulation, the acclaim, the hordes of fans. He didn’t deserve any of it. He was a bad person. He had failed Kelly this week, failed others in the past and would fail again in the future. He knew, in his heart, that he didn’t deserve to live. But a little part of him was still hanging on.
Finn parked his car and ran to the lift. He was breathing heavily and could feel the panic rising. What if he’d read it all wrong? What if they were all laughing at him back there? That stupid Australian who thought he could do an American accent. What if he had completely wasted their time and denied someone with real talent an opportunity to audition, denied them the chance to ever make it as an actor? Someone who would end up overdosing on prescription pills? What if? What if?What if?
Finn burst out of the lift and bolted to his door. He unlocked it, barrelled into his apartment and strode to the bathroom to wash his hands. He stripped to his underwear and threw himself onto his bed, where he curled up like a defenceless child to take the beating he deserved. He imagined dying. Imagined it all being over. He longed for it.
But he longed for life as well. Longed for Kelly to tell him everything would be okay. For her sensible eyes and rational mind. Then he longed to escape to a place where nobody knew who he was or what he had done. A small European village, perhaps. Or a home in the outback wilderness where he was completely alone, only able to hurt himself and nobody else. His mind explored these options, aching with the pain of it all.
He knew that if he could just hold on long enough, it would pass. The trouble was, Finn could never predict how long it would take. He’d been so close to the edge so many times that he was sure he would one day slip over; it was almost an inevitability. A gentle slide off the cliff and into the deep darkness beyond where he could do nothing that mattered because he would no longer exist.
When he saw the world in these moments, the trauma of simply being alive was presented in black and white. Nothing but grainy black and white. The only thing that drew him back was the sliver of colour that came from the future and penetrated the present. In twenty years, thirty years, one hundred years, none of this will matter, he thought. Nobody I hurt will still exist. All the pain will be over.
A shard of coloured light broke through the darkness.
At the same time, Finn heard a banging on his door. Not a knock – not the first attempt. An insistent, worried hammering.
‘Finn!’ Ashley called. ‘Finn, you’re scaring me!’
He slowly unravelled his body. He was dazed, his muscles ached, his head was a dead weight. He staggered towards the door and opened it blindly.
Ashley stood on the other side, her face a mask of anguish, tears rolling down her cheeks. She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his naked torso. ‘Damn it, Finn, why didn’t you answer me? I called you a dozen times and hammered on your door. What the hell is going on?’
Finn closed his eyes and held her. Inhaled the scent of her. Felt the warmth of her. Bathed in the colour she brought back to the world. ‘I’m sorry, Ash,’ he whispered. ‘But there’s something I need to tell you.’
***
