Finn screwed his eyes shut and breathed deeply. ‘You can’t help me, Ash. I’m too fucked up.’
‘Let me try.’
Finn stood up. The world swayed but she held him steady. ‘You can’t,’ he said. ‘I’d only make you fucked up as well.’
She placed her hands on his shoulders. He gently took them in his own hands and placed them at her side. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said.
Ashley started to cry.
Finn ran away, as fast and as hard as he could.
***
With every step, he thought about what could have gone wrong. Every conceivable catastrophe and all the reasons why it was his fault. He shouldn’t have gone out tonight with Ashley when Kelly needed him. He shouldn’t have been with Ashley’s family on Easter Sunday when he always spent it with the O’Maras. He should have gone to her yesterday even though she told him she was fine. He should have called her straight after the hearing instead of meeting with his agent to rehearse his upcoming audition. He should have taken her to the hearing himself. Fuck. What was he thinking? How could he have been so selfish? Whatever had gone wrong was his fault. This was all his fault.
Finn didn’t even knock, just unlocked the door and flung it open. A secret part of him had expected to open the door and find everything in order, Kelly watching TV or hunched over her books. But the apartment was dark and quiet, and it made his stomach drop even further.
‘Kelly! Kelly, are you here?’
He raced from room to room. Empty bathroom, empty bedrooms. There was nowhere else she could be and yet it was like he could feel her. Like he knew by some sixth sense that she was there. He stood at the entrance and scanned the open-plan living area again. Nothing.
The narrow kitchen was on his left behind a high breakfast bar. A small body was propped up against the wall there, hidden in the shadows.
‘Kelly!’
Finn slid to his knees beside her. He took her face in his hands but she stared at him with vacant eyes.
‘Talk to me, Kel. Are you all right?’
Still, the vacant stare.
He drew her close. She breathed softly and without conviction, as though her body’s instinct for survival was the only thing keeping her alive.
‘What happened?’ he said. ‘Tell me, Kel. What happened?’
No response.
He sat her back up and looked hard into her eyes. A wave of panic seized him. Had she taken something?
‘It’s over,’ Kelly whispered, the words laboured and dull. ‘I’ve been stood down from the hospital. Suspended from the Society.’
Finn clenched his jaw until it felt like it would shatter with the pressure. ‘I’m so sorry, Kel. This is all my fault. I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve done more after you told me about the video. Fuck! I shouldn’t have gone on the telethon with you or posted on your Instagram. I should have helped you prepare for the hearing instead of being with Ashley. If it wasn’t for me, everything would be fine.’
Kelly lolled her head towards him. ‘Don’t.’
‘What?’
‘Don’t make this about you. I don’t have it in me.’ Kelly’s hands were resting beside her thighs. She moved her left hand slightly and Finn noticed, for the first time, that she was holding a large kitchen knife. ‘What’s left when they take it all away, Finn?’
‘I don’t know what you mean. Please, Kel. Let’s get up now.’
She lifted the knife and placed its sharp tip on her thigh, halfway between her hip and knee where her skirt had ridden up and left her skin exposed and vulnerable. ‘Just pain,’ she whispered.
‘Give me the knife, Kel.’
She held it still and a small bead of blood formed around the tip. She dragged the knife slowly up her leg, blood running freely down the inside of her thigh.
Dark spots appeared in Finn’s vision. The blood, the knife, the wilful destruction of the one he cared for most in all the world.
