Finn took her hand and squeezed it tight. ‘You’re going to be all right, Kel.’
She turned to look at him. His huge, dilated pupils. His confident smile. They didn’t reassure her. ‘Can you wait just a little while?’ she asked.
‘What do you mean?’
‘After I first go in. Can you just wait here for a bit?’
‘To make sure you don’t try to escape?’
He’d read her mind. There was a real possibility that, before she even made it to the exam preparation room, she would turn and run away from it all.
‘Yes,’ she said quietly.
Finn smiled. ‘I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you pass this exam, Kel.’
Whatever it takes.
That’s what he said.
That’s what she had said.
That’s how she hadlived.
And look where she was now. She’d left a trail of destruction, deceit and despair in her wake. The person she cared most about in the world was a broken shell beside her. Eli, Michael, even the man in the supermarket, they had all suffered at the hands of her commitment to do whatever it takes.
The words stuck in her heart like a barb. And now Michael’s words from months earlier rang in her ears:The best doctors are the best humans first.
There was no objective measure of what made someone the best human, but Kelly knew she was nowhere near it. She had sacrificed everything and everyone around her for her own goals, her own selfish pursuit of excellence. What kind of specialist would that make her? One who values winning every argument above actually caring for her patients? One who was trying to fix sick children when she was so sick and broken herself?
Kelly closed her eyes and exhaled. ‘I’m not ready,’ she whispered.
And the instant the words left her lips, the pressure broke and crumbled around her. An unearthly peace settled on her soul and, for the first time she could ever remember, she felt calm.
Finn misinterpreted her words. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Kel. There’s never been anyone more ready for this exam. You were born ready.’
She chuckled. ‘I think that’s part of the problem, Finn. I was born for the exams and I forgot how to live.’
Finn eyed her suspiciously. ‘What are you talking about?’
She took his hands. ‘I assaulted a man in a supermarket because I’m always one trigger away from a complete explosion. I wore a disguise so I could break into a hospital. I abandoned you in your darkest hour. I’ll do whatever it takes to be the best, no matter who it hurts, and that’s not going to stop when I’m an Advanced Trainee. If anything, it’s only going to get worse.’
Finn shook his head vigorously. ‘You can’t think like that. You’re going to go in and pass this exam and you’re going to be an amazing trainee.’
She squeezed his hands. ‘No, no, you don’t understand. I’m not worried about the exam. I know I’m going to pass.’
The confusion in Finn’s expression was almost comical: mouth agape, no words forming.
She placed her hand on Finn’s face and gently stroked the stubble on his shrunken cheeks; there was almost nothing between her flesh and his bones. ‘I need help, Finn. And you need help. We need each other.’
Finn took her hand from his face and clasped it between his own, intertwining their fingers. ‘What are you saying, Kel?’
‘I’m saying that we need to be better at this before we can move forward.’
‘Better at what?’
‘Being humans.’
They stared at each other and she saw everything in those wide, bright eyes. Eyes that comforted, tormented and promised so much.
