“No.” The answer comes out faster than I would have thought, and it takes me by surprise. “I don’t know if I remember the last time I was content. There’s always this … friction. Like a constant need to set the next goal, except the goal post is always moving.”
“I don’t remember you being that way. You were always so carefree. That’s what I loved about you.” My brain snags on his use of the wordloved, how he’s used it so casually here, unlike the bomb he dropped on me the other day.
“I just … grew up, I guess. I made the responsible choice, got a well-regarded career with high earning potential.”
“But why engineering? Couldn’t you have done something else if that’s what you were looking for?”
“Yeah, but there was nothing else I wanted to do. All I wanted to do was draw and paint, but that wasn’t going toget me anywhere in life. It certainly wasn’t going to satisfy my father.” Hudson nods, and I don’t miss the hint of an eye roll at the mention of my dad. “My dad means well—he wants what’s best for me.”
“At the expense of your happiness.” My spine stiffens in defiance at this truth.
“I can be happy after I get this promotion,” I say. But now I hear it, my awareness of my own faults sharpening. I’m always moving the goal post. Then, a wave of nausea hits me. There may not be a goal post to move. I won’t even be in the running for the promotion. Not after tonight.
“When will you know?”
“My boss wanted to know what the results of the vote would be, so probably tomorrow after it’s announced. If he hasn’t already given it to Brody.” Hudson makes a silentahh. “I don’t even want to think about it tonight. I can already feel my blood pressure rising again.”
I set my empty mug down on the nightstand and snuggle further under the covers.
“You should get some sleep,” Hudson suggests.
“I don’t even feel tired. I’m still a little wired.”
“I might be able to help you relax.”
“Keep your pants on, Landry,” I say. His eyes search my face for a moment.
“Interesting,” he says, all his attention homed in on my mouth.
“What?”
“Based on the moaning coming from the bathroom earlier, I wouldn’t have thought you’d want me to keep mypants on.” I squint at him, but a warmth slithers down my centre at the way he’s looking at me right now. He smirks, and his goddamned dimple pops, and I’m so fucking weak when it comes to Hudson. “Turn over.”
I flash him a suspicious glare, but reluctantly turn over onto my side, facing away from him.
His body shifts, the covers moving around us and his warmth radiating on my back.
“This is something my mom used to do with us when we were little. If we had a nightmare or something. It might help here,” he explains, and I relax further into the mattress. “Guess what I’m drawing on your back,” he instructs, so I focus on the line his finger makes on my back, mentally imagining the picture he’s creating.
The picture is simple, but still, not being able to see it means I have to focus my mental energy on it, and not whatever I was thinking about before. He creates a curved line, and then across the bottom, what feels like a bunch of curves with little points at the top. Two straight lines vertically, and then a bunch of jagged ones jutting out from the top of it.
“I know,” I say, piecing it together.
“Okay, make your guess, Miller.”
“A tropical island.”
“Yes, good guess.”
“Do another.” I like this game. It feels like a game I can win at, and by winning, I’m somehow lowering my stress levels. I almost offer a wager, but I decide it would defeat the purpose. So instead, I enjoy the process.
This time Hudson’s finger draws two circles side by side, andthen a long …
“No penises, perv!” I cry, laughing as I turn and smack him. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”
“You went there, Miller. Not me.”
I stick my tongue out at him and turn around again, letting out ahmphnoise as I sink back down under the covers. But now the penis drawing has me thinking about other … penises. Namely the one close enough to graze my ass, and I back my hips up slightly, almost subconsciously. Like my ass is being magnetically pulled towards him. His hand pauses for a moment, and he takes a sharp inhale of breath at my proximity.
