Lord Sherbourne’s eyes flared as he looked toward her. Cassandra let her hand drift to his fingers, keeping it hidden from Lord Alderton and Lady Yardley’s view. Her fingers found his, wrapping gently around them, and after a few moments, Lord Sherbourne finally squeezed them back.
“I do not know what you want from me.”
Cassandra could not answer his question. The truth was, she was not certain what she wanted from Lord Sherbourne either, but the thought of this being their acquaintance, this strange confusing, awkward connection, was not something she could accept.
“I want to understand. I do not know why you have this diamond bracelet, but even if the rumors begin to circulate through society, I shall be found standing by your side, trusting you and your word.” Trying to encourage him, she smiled into his eyes. “I still need your advice and your guidance when it comes to the gentlemen of thetonand pray, do not think that I am settled on Lord Alderton, for I assure you that I am not. Do not give in to fear, Lord Sherbourne, and please do not step away from me. I do not think that I could bear it.”
It was only as she spoke those words that Cassandra released the depths of pain she would sink to, should she be set apart from Lord Sherbourne for the remainder of the Season. The gentleman held her gaze for some minutes and after a few seconds, let out a heavy breath, dropped his head forward, and allowed his fingers to rub gently across the back of her hand.
“Go to Lord Alderton, Lady Cassandra.” His shoulders stooped low as if weighted and Cassandra’s eyes flooded with sharp, unexpected tears. “If I do decide an explanation for what has happened is worthwhile, I shall inform you of it, of course. But for the moment, I find myself filled with very little hope.”
“Then allow me to help you,” Cassandra begged, still a little uncertain as to what he meant, only for Lord Sherbourne to shake his head. Without another word, he released her hand and gestured for her to go to Lord Alderton once more. With tears still burning in the corners of her eyes, Cassandra found herself turning away from him and instead, her steps going towards the gentleman she did not want to be in company with. Her heart seemed to stay behind her, close to Lord Sherbourne, and the further away she went from him, the more it began to break.
Chapter Thirteen
“And did you say that your father would be abroad for some time?” Cassandra only nodded as she and Lord Alderton made their way around London. This was the second time in some four days that he had called on her and this time, they were taking a ride in his phaeton. Lord Sherbourne still had not come to call, and Cassandra’s feelings were still very much confused. “You have very little knowledge as to when he will return?”
Cassandra looked up at him, her frustration firing a sudden boldness within her, for he was asking the same questions about her father as he had done before, without any real explanation as to why.
“As I have said before, Lord Alderton, I have very little knowledge of my father’s plans. I am to stay with Lady Yardley for as long as it is required, even when the Season ends.” She took a breath. “Is there a reason that you have asked me these things when my father has already been the topic of our discussions once before?
Lord Alderton flushed a little and turned his gaze away from her.
“Forgive me my persistent questions. They are well meant.”
“In what way?”
Again, Cassandra did not hold herself back, asking questions that Lord Alderton could not simply ignore. Lord Alderton smiled and touched her hand lightly for a moment before taking the reins again.
“I ask it because I must consider my future,” he told her, his voice rather loud over the din of the phaeton wheels on the cobbled streets. “And if someone’s father is on the continent, then I will not be able to ask him directly whether or not I might pursue his daughter.”
At this, Cassandra caught her breath, her frustrations flooding away. In only a matter of days, Lord Alderton had gone from speaking of them both as a practical match and now, here he was speaking about going to her father. Had there been some great change within his own heart? Had he only just realized the depths of his affection? He had not used words of love as yet, but perhaps it was simply because he had not the words for it, given how unused to it he was.
“You appear a little surprised.” Lord Alderton chuckled. “I will not hold that against you. It is mayhap a little sudden, but we have spent a great deal of time together these last few weeks.” His smile dipped. “I confess to you, my feelings – now unguarded and no longer hidden – are a good deal more than I ever expected.”
No thrill of excitement nor happiness warmed Cassandra’s heart. She was not overcome by a sudden joy, she did not want to clap her hands and cry aloud for the sheer relief of it. She had opened her heart to him, yes, but now it seemed that her heart was not responding to his words in any way. Cassandra bit her lip, her brow furrowing. She had silently believed that, once words of affection were spoken, she would fall in love easily with Lord Alderton - except now, she realized, she felt nothing in particular at all.
“You have said nothing these last few minutes.” Lord Alderton touched her hand for the second time, but no jolt of feeling ran through her. “I had hoped it would bring you a little joy to hear such a declaration.”
“Of course it does.” Murmuring softly, Cassandra fought to bring any sense of happiness to her expression. “It is a little surprising, as you have said.”
As she spoke, Cassandra felt invisible chains slip themselves around her wrist, tying her to Lord Alderton. She had been the one who had spoken of love, had told him how much she sought a love match and now he was declaring his feelings for her, she felt nothing in response. But if she had asked for such a thing, if she had expected to fall in love with him, could she really reject him now? To do so would be shameful, would it not, not after everything he now offered her?
“I must also apologize for the trials I have brought you as regards Lord Sherbourne,” Lord Alderton continued, fiercely striking a stake through her already pained heart simply by mentioning his name. “I can imagine it would have been very difficult indeed to hear such things, given that he is so closely acquainted with you.”
“He is my friend.” Cassandra spoke without thinking, seeing how he frowned, eyes flaring. “I still consider him as such.”
“Even though you know he has stolen a diamond bracelet?”
Gritting her teeth for a moment, Cassandra turned her head away. Lord Sherbourne had not given her an explanation as yet, and certainly did not seem to want to, either, given both his absence and his silence. In fact, did it not appear as though he was deliberately separating himself from her? The pain from thinking such a thing sent a fresh wave of agony through her, to the point that Cassandra was forced to bend forward a little, one hand pressed lightly against her heart.
“Such things do not matter, I suppose,” Lord Alderton continued with a shrug. “Once we are courting, your acquaintance with the gentleman need not continue.” A fierce indignation took hold of her, and a sharp response sprang to her lips, but she turned her head away instead, holding the words back. Resentment and exasperation rolled together into a heavy ball, settling into the pit of her stomach. How dare he tell her whom she could keep as an acquaintance? This could not be genuine affection, for surely a gentleman did not seek to control his lady, did not require that she do as he demanded, nor expect her to take on his opinions as her own? And yet, in stating such a thing as that, was it not precisely what Lord Alderton expected of her? “Alas, our time is at an end and I suppose I must now return you to Lady Yardley.”
Lord Alderton did not appear to notice how little she’d spoken and, with relief, Cassandra looked to the footman who drew near, ready to help her down from the phaeton, one hand outstretched. Both her mind and her heart were pushing her from Lord Alderton’s company, urging her away from him as fast as she could go. When her feet touched the ground, it was as though they wanted her to fly from him and into the townhouse, and it was only when she rolled her hands into fists and forced in slow breaths, that she was able to remain exactly where she was. Lord Alderton had also jumped down from the phaeton, coming around to stand next to her. He reached for her hand, but Cassandra did not give it.
“A very pleasant ride, was it not?” His hand remained stretched out towards her, as he looked at her with one brow slightly lifted. Feeling more than awkward, Cassandra eventually relented and accepted his hand. When he bowed over it, his lips brushing the back of her hand, she did nothing but shudder. Evidently mistaking this for a thrill of delight, Lord Alderton grinned, his eyes dancing.
“I am glad to see that you feel much the same as I.” Murmuring a little more quietly, he took a step closer to her, clutching at her hand still. “I believe I shall write to your father soon, Lady Cassandra. My feelings are growing with such significance, I do not think that it would be prudent to wait much longer.”
