Her mother shook her head.
“No. We are to attend this evening, just as we have planned.”
Sara’s head shot up.
“Mama, I cannot. It is much too soon for me, given that I have only just heard this dreadful news. My heart is still too sick with pain.”
Her mother tossed her head.
“Nonsense. It will appear that you are greatly affected by his betrothal if you remain at home, and then a more gossip would be said about you. That would not be a wise decision to take, my dear. We must show society that you are not affected by this in any way whatsoever.”
“But Iamaffected. Deeply,deeply,affected.”
“Be that as it may, you will hide that from everyone,” her mother instructed firmly. “I know that thetonwill be fully aware of his betrothal and there will be whispers about you already, of course. We cannot allow them to grow, so therefore, you must present a happy front to make certain that everyone believes there was nothing of any consequence between you. Only then will I be satisfied. Your heart may be broken, my dear, but your reputation must be protected.”
Sara looked away. She could do nothing but agree with her mother. The lady would not stand for any sort of refusal on her part. Despite her own misgivings, and in spite of her own wishes, she would have to attend the ball this evening, putting on as many pretty smiles as she could, hoping that society would accept the lie that she was presenting them.
“Very well.”
Her mother beamed as this was the end of her troubles, as if this single agreement would resolve her difficulties and send light into her future.
“Good. This is exactly what we need at this moment. Do not allow his behavior to ruin your chances of future happiness.” Wiggling one finger at Sara, her mother rose to ring the bell for tea. “You know very well that gentlemen in society will not be eager to court a young lady whose heart still belongs to another.”
“Lord Coatbridge did not steal my heart, mama.” Sitting up a little straighter, Sara shot a firm look towards her mother. “I will not pretend that my heart has not been affected, but I certainly did not love him. I cared for him, at least, but it was nothing more than that.”
Although I believe it came very close to it.
“I am glad to hear it,” her mother replied spiritedly. “We shall certainly have no cause at all to remain at home this evening. I expect you to be ready and prepared at the expected time. We willnotbe tardy.”
Sara nodded, mute. Try as she might, she could not get rid of the feeling that her reputation should be of lesser importance than her heart. There was certainly a good deal of anger and upset lingering within her heart, but there was also a great weight of pain. Pain that she had been discarded without even a hint of consideration.
“I think I should like to take a short walk in the garden. Perhaps I will rest for a time in the arbor.”
“An excellent idea,” her mother replied, a warm encouragement in her voice. “I look forward to seeing you this evening - oh, and make sure to wear one of your finest gowns.”
“Yes, Mama.”
Managing a quick smile, Sara walked to the door, her heart pounding furiously as she fought against a cresting wave of emotion. It was not until she reached her bedchamber, however, that she broke down completely. Tears ran down her cheeks and she made no effort to dash any of them away. Her mother was sympathetic, certainly, but she was too concerned with reputation and was eager to do all that she could to preserve it and have Sara restored to society as quickly as possible.
Had Sara been given the choice, she would have remained at home, resting quietly under the heavy load of sadness and sorrow. Instead, she would be forced to push away everything that she felt so that she might instead focus on appearing happy and contented in front of those she cared very little about.
“I shall see him there this evening.” As she spoke aloud, the misery cut to the very heart of the matter. She would be forced to see, and perhaps even speak with, Lord Coatbridge. Perhaps he might seek her out, wanting to make sure that there were no particularly damaging rumors running through society that might injure his newly betrothed. “I do not know if I will be able to speak with him.”
The memory of her laughing and speaking with Lord Coatbridge struck a jarring pain through her again, but Sara dried her eyes on her handkerchief and set it in her lap, her fingers playing with the lace edge.
It had been true, what she had said to her mother - she wasnotin love with him. Having never experienced such a great emotion, she was quite certain that she could not be so, for there was no great intensity of feeling which had risen up within her whenever she had laid eyes on him. Her heart was broken, yes, but that was due to the future he had offered her being torn away; the promises that he had given her now completely broken. All of his words were made meaningless, and her perception of his character was now entirely shattered and would never be able to be restored again. She would have to attend this evening, and see him with this new young lady, knowing that everything he had ever told her, everything she had ever believed, had been nothing more than a lie.
Yet despite my wish to stay at home, my mother insists that I attend this evening so that I am forced to be in his company once more.
Taking a deep breath, she set her shoulders and lifted her chin as a flame of anger lit the edge of her sadness and upset. Her mother should not be forcing her into this, but neither should Lord Coatbridge have treated her with such disdain. Somehow, she was going to have to find enough grace and courage to get through the evening without losing either her composure or her temper… and that might prove very difficult indeed.
* * *
The senseof being quite at odds with everyone else in the room was a rather unsettling one and Sara drew in great gulps of air in the hope that she might be able to keep her emotions in check. Her face was already sore from her fixed smile, and her hands were clenching and unclenching as she walked around the room, hoping to keep to the shadows. She was wearing her finest gown - at her mother’s existence, of course - but her hair had taken so long to style that she had almost fallen asleep in the chair. One large braid curved from one side of her head to the other just above her forehead, whilst smaller braids came from under it, pulling back until long curls exploded, rushing down against her shoulders. Her eyes were clear, but her smile remained forced. Sara was certain that she looked well and certainly, no one would be able to state that Lady Sara had been pale and wan.
“Good evening. Lady Sara.”
Sara started, whirling around and fully expecting to see some gossip of theton, eager to get to know exactly how she was feeling at the news of Lord Coatbridge’s betrothal, but much to her relief, that was none other than her dear friend, Miss Hannah Cartwright.
