Granted, it had been a stressful day. They all had to go down to the FBI office, where those in the know were given stories to parrot to journalists, and poor Gretchen was put into an interview room by herself and given the rundown about time travel by Agent Thornwood. The last Thelma saw her, Gretchen ran down the hallway. She refused to answer any of Thelma’s texts, and she stopped trying after two days.
But it was lonely. And Gretchen’s avoidance meant she was gone before dawn broke and didn’t park her truck in her driveway until well after dusk. Thelma didn’t go over to talk. She was too busy spiraling with her own drama.
The FBI highly recommended she get out of town for a couple of weeks. Pauline and Ethan knew of a cheaper cabin not too high up in the mountains. Pauline was able to join her for a few days, but not for long. By then, Thelma had made herself at home in the two-bedroom cabin that was surrounded by evergreen trees and talkative critters.I feel like Snow White up here.She had access to streaming services that she and Pauline played all of their favorite ‘30s movies on, from KatharineHepburn to Bette Davis. No news. Hardly any phone service. Megan was back in Van Nuys focusing on her studies, and Robbie could pretend that his mother hadn’t come back from the dead.
I miss Gretchen.
It was one of the only serious things she and Pauline discussed while locked up in the mountain cabin during those dry December days. While Thelma should have been planning for her first Christmas in the future, she was instead hiding away, pining after a woman she had only slept with once.
“Sandy would say this is a classic case of First Date-itis.” Thelma sat in front of the living room window, gazing out at the swaying treetops and the dead grass in the driveway. She and Pauline had already started a fire that day, the scents of smoke and ash filtering through the window from the outside world.I love it. I just wish I enjoyed it more right now.She should be with family. She should be with Gretchen—or Sandy—cuddling beneath a large quilt and musing about the old and new years.
“You talk about Sandy a lot,” Pauline pointed out from the couch by the fireplace.
“Because I loved her. All these months later, and I’m still coming to terms with her being gone from my life. It’s been harder than losing Bill.”
“What would Sandy say about you moving on with some modern woman so quickly?”
Thelma folded her arms on the windowsill. She liked to imagine that Sandy was now an angel, looking down from Heaven with either a pleased countenance or a heavytskin her throat.Which would she be giving me right now?
“She would say, ‘Typical girl, rushing into the arms of the next paramour.’”
“Ooh, paramour. They don’t use that word enough these days.”
“Right? So many good words that I get two looks for using.”
“Well…” Pauline adjusted herself on the couch and pulled the blanket over her lap. “Everything you’ve ever said about Sandy is that she was a ‘go with the flow’ type who wanted you to be happy. She was even the maid of honor at yourwedding,honey. That’s love.”
“I suppose you’re right. At the time, I thought nothing of her helping give me away toBill.” It was ludicrous to think about now, right? With all of the hindsight Thelma had gained those past few months…What was it like to be Sandy in those moments?Decades later, she had been thinking about Thelma, the best friend and lover who disappeared one otherwise noneventful night. She even raged against Bill until capitulating to there being no evidence of any wrongdoing on his behalf. But by then, it didn’t matter. Thelma was never going back. Shecouldn’tgo back.
“That woman loved you. She would want you to be happy, right?”
“Which is why she went along with me marrying Bill… guess I thought she wasn’t that attached to me if she didn’t show me a broken heart.”
“Being with you when you were married was more important to her than losing you.”
“That’s just how she was. She was always honest about her lot in life.” How many nights had they spent talking of a fanciful future where queers could be openly themselves without fear of reprisal? When their hangouts weren’t raided by the police? When she could hold Sandy’s hand and steal a kiss beneath a low-hanging tree branch by the lake?
But Sandy knew that wouldn’t happen anytime soon. She had cultivated a life that allowed her great independence in a male-dominated society. She would never have to rely on anyone—including another woman.
She was already preparing for life without me.
Wouldn’t it be something if Sandy were still alive? If she could look into Thelma’s soul with those aged eyes and see everything she had been through in just one year?
“You’re doing great, honey. Just embrace the life you still have left to live. Have fun. Fall in love and eat some damn good food.”
Thelma went into the kitchen to grab something to drink. When she opened the fridge, she encountered the gallon of milk she had bought for cooking her meals that fortnight.
She used it ineverything.
Cereal. Mashed potatoes. Casserole. Macaroni and cheese. Shepherd’s pie. Cake.
For little boys who weren’t feeling well.
“You okay?” Pauline hustled off the couch when she noticed Thelma standing in front of the open fridge, crying. “Oh, sweetie.” She was one of the few who had learned the full story of the night Thelma disappeared, all the way down to Robbie being too sick for school… and Thelma skipping out on running to the store so she could have her afternoon delight at home.
“It’s my fault. All of their misery is my fault.”
Pauline said nothing. She merely put a hand on Thelma’s arm.
